There was no diagnose for that back then.
So I grew up just to be me, more or less.
Sometimes that does work out fine
For some reason I can feel quite restless, yet sit still for hours on a chair behind a screen. Working with my current tools: keyboard, mouse and tablet. The one with a pen, pressure sensitive, that kind of thing. Already an old one, but in some way I get attached to things. It has the drawing area of an A6 postcard, just fine for the things I am using it for. Computer hardware became tools for me. And I do like to retreat to create, some do that well when they have lots of people around. Way too much impulses for me. It is just that. Sometimes I even wonder how I manage to get about on Social Media platforms. So much information to keep up with.
Really, I am so amazed when I see other people respond to posts like 1-2-3-done... While I am still reading the piece, or looking at a photo, taking time to view the art. Then I feel like a turtle, slowly moving forward, while everybody else is on the fast lane. Recently I started to notice a lot of posts on my Steem feed. Not even following 500 yet, and I already cannot follow all that gets posted. And then I want to post myself, reply as often as possible, upvote and reply on others their posts. So, I start to lose track very quickly, me the chaotic turtle slowly moving on. Too much information. And I still want to create, give a voice to my being. And there is the real life too, you know. While I am working on a masterpiece, getting disturbed, after that:... CLEAR!
What is it like
Recently I came to understand how I have managed to adapt, how it became like a second nature. When I try to make people understand how that works I tell it like this: Imagine you are in a supermarket, there are lots of people there shopping and they are constantly changing their bodies. Becoming large, bowing in every way, like elastic. Then all of a sudden faces get in front of your face, very upclose and they are shouting, moving quickly up and about. Words, shouted out like bullets coming out off a machine gun. Ratatatatatata, information, impressions and then I still have to wait in line. It can be pretty exchausting. Luckily it is not always like that. But it can be quite a challlenge at times.
When I want to get things done I mostly need a spot of my own, a place with a door, that needs to be knocked to enter. Because there in the solitude of my mind, I can focus, almost obsessively and work on whatever has gotten my attention. In the past when I worked for an advertising company, I used to turn up the music very loud, just to keep the other bombardment of impressions out. These days in my own one person office, I have silence and I can hear the birds tjilping. No more loud music, no more TV, no more radio. That I also filtered out, because it comes with an overload of information for me. And then what it can trigger. And I am really okay with that. Because when the worst news would be spread, I'd only be able to witness bright flashes of light, mushroom clouds and...
The image with this post
It shows a pub here in Winschoten, Cafe Hoppe. One of the former owners I know very well personally. It was a place where I went after a friday work from nine to nine. Sitting at the tribal table with some friends, drinking whiskey and beer. And then after that, there still was a saturdays work. But somehow I was able to do all that and still function. Anyway, this digital work got printed out with a large inkjet. And it is always great to see the result and it is still nice to see it in a frame. But why even put it in this post?
Well, this is one of those works that I became obsessively focused on. Every time I worked on it I could spent hours and hours just moving about the digital tools to create this. In a solitary excistence, where my chaotic brain still would do its busy thing, but somehow these times it is almost like I am in an inner sanctuary. A place where I want to stay as long as possible, because I like it there. And then there is all these different things I am interested in.
My posts reflect my reality
One moment I am focussed on creating a digital painting to find peace of mind, next it is forking a 'coin' or creating a new one. Next you know I am analysing cryptocurrency markets and writing about it. All within a limited life span. It keeps the balance between things that better be done and the time to be free to create. And sometimes these things come together in a nice way. While at the end of the day I go for a stroll, at least for an hour, to clear my mind a bit more from all the impressions during the day. It is getting tougher though to find places where cars are out of sound and sight, but I still manage.
Until recently I was still a bit unaware on how I managed to cope with some of my personal challenges. It tends to become perceived as 'normal'. And I have been examined, had talks with specialist and so on, even got medicine prescribed that actually made me depressed and suicidal... So I quit using that all together, and the only medicine I rarely take is a painkiller. What really helped was a thing called 'mindfullness', focus on the here and now. And I guess it is about accepting things the way they are, including myself.
Basicly it is about being who you are and dealing with that in a balanced manor. And I am not saying my life is always great, awesome in every way, and people I love and care about live forever. Or that I am in the best of health, no, in fact I have my health challenges, like many others do too. But I learned how to live life as it is, with what it gives, in the here and now. And there was a time when I found it difficult that I had a chaotic obsessive focused brain. That one moment made me do artistic creations and the next inspired me to write about humans being equivalent and unique. Being busy with a cryptocurrency the next moment, photographing for days, cooking is fun too and then diving into trading BitMoney.
And I can really state here that so far life is a thrill to me, there is always something interesting to dive into. The tough parts of life will come anyway, and some of them can be hard to deal with and that is okay too. That is a given, the other part is the adventure, the wonder, the joy, the suprise, the new to explore and somewhere there is a balance in there.
Have a good one!
Cafe Hoppe, Winschoten, Oldambt
artwork cc-by-sa @oaldamster
EDIT: text corrections.
This is quite interesting, if you think about the psychology behind it. Im no expert in "conditions" or anything but i do have above average knowledge i would say. And i find it somewhat interesting how you experience things. Some things like the going back and forth seems to me like a bit of ADD while you also say you are highly focused on each task and very dedicated which seems a little like Aspergers (High functioning autism) BUT Of course only a few indicators of each, BUT it may aswell be just your personality. I dont know, I just find your post interesting. Hope you dont take any of this in an offensive way :)
Thank you for you extended reply @jeppex1.
This might indeed hint towards Aspegers / ADD. Yet at the time I grew up these things were not taken into consideration, at all. So I think I learned to deal with it the way I am. Some way I managed to adapt. ;-)
And I do appreciate your feedback, absolutely, thanks!
Glad you apreciate it :). Im not especially old so i dont know how it was but i have heard similar things that you are saying that they Kind of "didnt excist" back then.
True, that is being said: "Back then it did not excist." :-)
Wow! I relate so much. I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) coupled with OCD. In my youth too there was no diagnosis for it, and my father found me rather strange. I am a film editor, a creative like yourself. I too shy away from the crowds as the onslaught on the senses can be overwhelming. I very much like how you described it, as bullets being fired at you. I think we are blessed and cursed at the time. Our super sensitivity makes us great intuitive and creative people, able to focus on something for hours on end. The other side of the coin is exhausting ourselves by overthinking,analysing,projecting into the future and examining the past. I like listening to Eckhart Tolle and practicing as you said, being present. Your work is beautiful btw. Great to meet a kindred spirit. I will follow you. All the best.
Glad to read you reply @hattorihanzo!
What you wrote about overthinking, analysing, projecting... Made me actually smile, for the recognition I got from that. And there are indeed two sides of the blade. The creative part being a blessing, absolutely. The other part being something to learn how to deal with.
Eckhart is also into the power of the now. Where I use mindfullness techniques that really helped me a lot and still does. It was good to read about youre experiences, thank you for that and for your compliment.
All the best in return!
This is interesting :))
It is indeed. ;-)
Hi :)) and yes :))
Hello, my friend @oaldamster,
My thoughts resonate with much of what you've said in your post.
Time is running down. I like your supermarket analogy with what it's like trying to keep up with the feed here. Being torn between wanting to write, working on creative efforts, and wanting to interact with the community.
As I age, I find similar thoughts and motivations to make my time count.
And your image of the cafe is lovely! :)
😄😇😄
Thank you for your kind reply @creatr,
It is great to read that what I write is recognised, that you can relate to that. And I do value that my friend. :-)
Thank you for your compliments and feedback, I do appreciate it very much.
Have a nice day to experience life!
Thank you for posting @oaldamster.
Lovely missive and expression of how your mind functions.
It is very real...this flashing and dashing about....and the wanting for a still moment. The Eagles have a song....Learn To Be Still....a favorite.
An approach to the chaos for some is to come up with a scale of values and then proceed to determine that which is important and that which is inconsequential so that at any time something attempts to interfere with the workings of a moment is easily determined to be important enough to stop what one is doing.
However in creative process....that moment is lost forever...so your idea of door is good idea.....preferably with a sign on it.....Busy as a Bee......do not disturb.
The feed business is always a work in progress....however the mute button is a life saver......Steemit life that is.
Principle: Routine and order establish stability.
Wishing you and yours all the best. Abientotlater.
Thank you @bleujay for your extended reply, I do appreciate it very much.
Up to a certain point I was kind of unaware of how this worked for me. Writing it down helps and getting feedback is very valuable.
Holding on to a certain routine and order of things is important. Yet, it can become obsessive too, hahaha. Over the years I learned to manage that better. It is the art of finding a balance in the here and now.
Communicating what is in my mind, like:"Please leave me to be for a while, I am working on something that needs all of my focus and time.", is important. Especially to remind myself of that part in contact with others.
Learn to be still, just listening to it, new to me, thank you for mentioning it. Beautifull song... And I can enjoy the still when I am in nature, amonst the trees, being eye in eye with a roe or a fox. Balance...
The scale is a good suggestion
And you are right, in a creative proces that works opposite. Somehow I can enjoy the chaos when it inspires to create. Instead of doing routine things, that have the order of the day, like getting up, having dinner and so on.
What is important now, and what weight can be added to it, that is a good way to keep a balance. Because some do function great on the unknown. Yet I need those anchors, the beacons in a day, the sense of balance and that relates to feeling safe and sound, I guess.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
All the best in return,
Abientotlater.