Kaia and the Dragonfly

We got married on a gorgeous August day among many friends and family. Dancing, eating, and merriment was had for all. Every thing seemed so perfect and sublime. We both wanted children and it was not long before we had our first pregnancy. We are both in our early 40's and we knew we were high risk perspective parents but we were so hopeful. Our hope was squashed when we learned there was no heartbeat during our third ultrasound.

First look photo from out wedding day.

So when our second pregnancy started unexpectedly 8 months later, we were excited but also worried and stressed about the possibility of it happening again. We did are best to remain cautiously optimistic. Days became weeks, weeks became months. It really felt like this was going to happen.

I was working in the evenings at a spa doing massage at this time. I finished my last appointment of the evening and and was looking forward to heading home. I cleaned up my room to leave it ready for whoever was to use it next and headed for the front desk to say goodnight.

"Your wife called" the girl at the front desk said. "She asked me to tell you she is at the Hospital. I hope everything is okay."

"I.. " I paused, partly from shock and partly to process what she just told me, "I hope so too." I blurted as I quickly said goodbye and tried to call my wife.

She told me she was at the ER cause she was having contractions but she was only 18 weeks along. They told her everything seemed to be okay but they were keeping her for observation. I was relieved and thought everything was probably fine and that we just needed to wait for them to confirm. There is a phenomenon called braxton-hicks contractions or "false labor" and I assumed that that must be what it was. I could not image, or didn't want, any other possibility.

I quickly made my way to the ER and joined her there. We stayed there together nervous and stressed. We waited and waited for hours to get some sort of update. The doctor and that everything seems to be fine and that we should go home. It was midnight at this point and I was happy to hear that. My wife was not as she still was feeling what she was sure were contractions and she was still concerned.

We drove home in our separate cars. She told me she was have contractions all the way home. I tried to reassure here it was going to be okay and that we should try to get some rest.

I fell asleep very quickly and was woke by my wife at 4am, "We need to go back to ER" she said. She had been monitoring the contractions and they had kept going all night and getting worse. We quickly got in the car and I started driving us back. I was a mess of emotions. I was irritated at only 4 hours sleep, scared for the baby and my wife, but also kind of pissed as I still felt she might be over reacting but also feeling like maybe she wasn't at this point. I was a tornado of mixed emotions.'

We were just a minute from the hospital and just about to get on the off romp when she suddenly said "My water just broke". At this point I almost lost it, I broke into sobs and barely managed to drive us the last of the way to the ER. I was in shock and felt like all my hopes and dreams were ending.

Kaia was born shortly after, nonviable and premature. She died a few minutes later. It was a dark time and almost impossible for me to relay the depth of it. The hospital was great and was very supportive and helpful of ushering and guiding us through such a horribly difficult time.

We were able to spend time with Kaia and mourn our loss. They had a social worker there that came and talked to us and guided us through what we might be expecting to go through as a result of our loss. She also gave us some information printouts and a basket of goodies. In the printouts there was some information on how Dragonflies and Butterflies are considered, by many parents of infant loss, to be symbols of our little angels.

Taken from my phone on that dark and miraculous day.

Eventually I headed home to get my wife a change of clothes and feed our animals. On my way home I decided to stop and get some food at a supermarket. It was a hot August day and I had left my window open. When I returned to the car there was a little blue dragonfly just sitting on my steering wheel. As I got into the car it stayed there. Just sitting on the wheel and did not move. I was overcome with love and surprise as it was obvious to me that this was Kaia reaching out across the void to try and comfort me. I don't know how I new this other then having the bit of info from the print out and that I had always had felt a fascination and affinity for dragonflies.

I had been a mess of emotions and not finding a way to stabilize and relax, but after coming to find the dragonfly in the car I was washed over with a level of calm. It was not perfect but it was enough to get me out of the place I had been. I made my way home and the dragonfly moved from the wheel to the dashboard and just hung out there while I drove home.

It was one of the darkest moments of my life eased by such a miraculous sign of divine presence. This experience has guided and given me the strength to hold such a dark time in my memory with such a bright shard of light within it.

Sincerely,
Old Jobobo