Sometimes I wonder if my mom prayed for my future husband when I was small. I pray for Hayden’s someday husband.
I wonder this because if she did, God heard her.
But sometimes fairytales collide with real life – in a “I just totaled my car and everyone died” kinda way.
You see, I am a hot mess …often, it seems.
I had a wonderful childhood growing up in a nuclear family with parents and siblings who were wonderful. Friends that all grew up together in school and church. You could have made a feel good movie from my childhood.
Got good grades and went to a great college and earned two bachelor’s degrees. Met a guy and liked him. Grew comfortable and when he proposed, I accepted. I was happy with the idea of getting married, excited with planning and dreaming about it. All the while, I wasn’t happy with him – you know, the guy I was marrying – the one thing that should be driving all the happiness.
Here comes the ugly…I cheated.
Before we got married. Right after we got married.
It is painful even to write that. It makes the ugly seem more real somehow.
I knew in my gut that I wasn’t supposed to marry him. I knew I was comfortable, but not in love. Love, by definition, is self-sacrificing and that is certainly not where I was. I grew up in a strong Christian family and knew that what I was doing was incredibly wrong. Why didn’t I listen to my gut?
Because I listened to my head instead. He’s a great guy -a Christian man who will lead my family. He has a great job. He will provide for me and our kids (thank God we didn’t have any!) So many logical reasons to go through with it, but I left out the most important part – what did my heart have to say about it? I know that sounds fru fru, but if we make decisions only from our head we are left with an empty shell of an outcome.
I married him. Then two years later I walked into a store and met a man who worked there who seemed pretty cool. I ended up going back a few times and we had lunch. Then we had more lunches. Then it became more.
Obviously I wasn’t happy at home, and finding my husband watching porn at midnight or when I came home early didn’t help the situation. But what was I doing? Was this guy just filling the empty spot in my heart? Can that be filled by a man at all? Were my feelings for real?
This part of my life is a swirling typhoon of emotions – almost as if I can’t quite delineate where reality lies. I really, really wanted to be with this guy. He didn’t have the ridiculously paying government contract job or the master’s education, the $250k house, but he had something else – he had my heart.
Can you even say that when a relationship if borne out of adultery?
Then it happened. We were found out. A kiss in public betrayed our secrecy and my husband knew. Then it was all like, “Do we go to marriage counseling?” “The Bible says I am SO wrong here.” “How can I ever face my family?” “I know you want to work things out, but….BUT….”.
Then it hit me. The end to that thought was, “…but I don’t.”
I don’t want to just live life being comfortable, but never blissful.
I don’t want to dread seeing my husband every day.... Every. Day.
I don’t want to wonder if he is home watching porn.
I don’t want to have children with him.
I don’t want to just be with him because he is a good Christian man.
I don’t want to grow old and unhappy with every passing day.
I don’t want this house to be the best thing in my marriage.
I don’t want to live in a secret anymore.
How selfish am I? How can I put my own selfish desires over what I know to be right? I know divorce and adultery are awful. How do I reconcile what I want with what is right? (I still don’t know the answer to this – I only know my own outcome.)
I told him where I stood. Then I went home to my parents to think. (Not to tell them, because he beat me to that.)
I remember being at home and feeling an excruciating amount of guilt. This was my Baptist, Bible- believing family (I am one of six children so my brothers and sisters were some of the people I had to face), and they were heartbroken at my actions. Heartbroken and maybe a little angry. I was heartbroken, too – I just wanted them to love me.
As I write this, I just broke down. I don’t think I have been honest enough with myself to say this before now. I have been too swallowed up with guilt to venture into how I felt. Is it okay to feel this way? Is this whole part of my life nothing but my making one selfish move after another? Maybe this is still a part of my struggle.
My parents were sad, but they were the ones that stood beside me. They didn’t want my life to be marred by divorce, but I think they could sense how unhappy I was.
They also were concerned – about this guy. Who was this guy? What kind of man fools around with a married woman?
It gets worse.
He was married, too -with a 5 year old daughter. Honestly, she was the only reason the marriage still existed. I think he and his wife had found different paths years before. (His ex-wife is pretty great, actually. We get along wonderfully and we try to support each other in every way we can. I am so blessed.)
So now I am a home-wrecker. Just add it to the list.
And while we are at it, I am going to come clean on the other men I cheated with. Might as well air ALL the dirty laundry. So I told them: my family, my friends who were close enough to care, my husband. I needed to feel free again – not to be held down by this stone of dark, crippling lies one more minute.
I drove back to Ohio to tell my husband I was going to file for dissolution, and I met with Jay (the new guy – now my husband of 10 years). I told him I couldn’t go through with the relationship. I was so confused about who I was and what I wanted, what is right and wrong, where I put down my next footprint, what the next step looks like. Then I headed back to PA and my parents. During that drive I felt a hollowness I haven’t felt before or since.
It took a few days of alone of filtering through my feelings to realize what I wanted. I wanted to be with Jay. He was willing to fight to make it happen. He was completely devastated the day I told him I didn’t think I could make the next move. That day still sits in my memory as sad, but also the day my feelings might have been solidified. Losing something might be just what one needs to realize they can’t be without it.
Back to Ohio. Rented a crappy hotel room on the wrong side of the tracks and waited. Within a few days Jay and I were living in a hotel purchased with my credit. Ugh.
Then friends swooped in to save the day. Actually, they weren’t even close friends, but people Jay worked with. They offered to let us sleep on the floor in their spare room for as long as we needed. The room smelled of cat litter and we were covered in hair each morning, but it was free. They were so amazingly giving to us, buying us the occasional pizza and honestly, just loving on us. It was like food for our souls. I remember days of eating a bag of chips for lunch because we were so short on money. Eventually we saved up enough for the down payment on an apartment and finished up everyone’s dissolution paperwork.
It was me and him against the world. That was a very honest feeling.
Friends saw the ugly and bailed. Family became distant, as they felt the need to take sides (my parents showed concern, but were always there for me).
I saw my ex’s mother one day and she told me that I would never be happy again. This still bothers me a bit – not because I am unhappy, but because she truly believed it. It weighed on me for a time. Why do we let the actions/words of others influence us so deeply?
We eventually got on our feet enough that he decided to propose. He asked my dad beforehand, but my mom didn’t know. I don’t know what he and my dad talked about, but I’m sure it was an interesting conversation. As he was on one knee my mom blurted out, “NO!” – something Jay and I giggle about to this day. She was a little mortified because of the circumstance.
Wedding day. Just a few friends, his mom, my parents and two of my siblings. Small, but meaningful to the both of us. A new start was something desperately needed.
Fast forward 10 years.
I have a step-daughter that is sixteen and looking for a job. She is an amazing person. I don’t usually tell people that I didn’t give birth to her – I don’t use the term “step” unless people look confused and I need to explain.
My family has mostly healed from the chaos I incurred. It has taken all of 10 years, though. Sometimes there is still an awkward silence or sad feeling on my part. I’m not sure if it feels sad on their end, or angry, upset? Maybe there isn’t a complete healing in this circumstance – I have left a scar.
Jay and I have a daughter who just turned nine. She is incredible. Being a mom to these two has made my heart happy in ways I couldn’t imagine.
The kids nine years ago.
I have my soul mate. I know, it sounds so shallow, but it’s true. This man is better for me than if I had created him myself. He honestly knows me better than I do.
He is kind, even when I am a jerk.
He sees so much good in me, even when I feel like a disaster.
He builds me up, especially when I am tearing myself apart. This happens daily.
He listens, even when I have repeated myself three times.
He leads. He is incredibly motivated, and it motivates our family.
He imagines. His vision is insightful and has no boundaries. It is the reason we accomplish all we do.
He brings God’s words to me – usually exactly when I need to hear them.
He fights for us.
He shows his love for me when I feel undeserving of love.
He is the example I want our daughters to see.
I watch a lot of people go through this life unhappy with the marriage decision they made. I was almost one of them. I can’t imagine my life without Jay. It is so refreshing to feel that wave of butterflies in my tummy when I see his truck pull in at night instead of a wave of dread. He has shown me more love than I can imagine and helped me become a more loving person. He, and this life we built, is better than I thought it could be.
Funny, but the biggest question for me has been where do I stand with Christ?
I know in my head that He forgives. He IS love.
We are a part of a great church now – have been for about nine years. We have grown in love and faith together over those years. Our daughters are being raised in a family that loves Jesus.
Most of the time I don’t wonder about it, worry about it. Prodigal son and all that. He loves me. I love him.
But I know I hurt him.
Maybe that is the scar I have to carry until this journey is complete.
PS. .. I just finished this in time for my friend to come over. She read it and the first thing she says is, “That is a scar what Satan wants you to carry, not God.”
I burst into tears.
As far as the East is from the West.
Maybe writing this was all just so I could hear those words.
Wow, to be honest this was hard for me to read as I come from a broken home and have experienced adultery with my parents as a kid. From those experiences I have developed serious trust issues. This story is feeding that which made it difficult to get through.
I am still working on trying to find trust in the higher truth of if you truly love someone wanting them to be happy even if it is not with you. Throwing kids into the mix further complicates things as their well being is tied to those decisions. I like to hold on to my idealist version of reality where two people can work it out for the sake of the children.
Thank you for sharing this though, must have taken a lot to put it in writing. Maybe one day I will be able to do the same with what I experienced on the subject growing up.
Thanks. :)
I think if you wrote about your experience it might help......just delve in.
Hello, @organicrecreate,
I appreciate that you've had the courage to post such an open, raw to the point of bleeding, account of your own experience and feelings.
The entire topic of marrying the right person is such a significant one. As a follower of Jesus myself, I've been overwhelmingly influenced by my baptistic upbringing and I continue to have strong opinions about marriage and divorce. Your story reminds me strongly of the widely publicly known story of Amy Grant.
The "take-aways" that I have from your telling?
We need to strongly encourage our children to not settle simply because they are anxious to be married, or even comfortable with the thought.
Jesus' love and grace transcend all, and no matter how much of a hot mess we may become, if we belong to Him, the face He presents to us is always compassion, grace, and overwhelming love, forgiveness and acceptance. How can we do any less in relation to our brothers and sisters?
Marriage is a "temporary" condition, highly symbolic, and limited (in its present form) to this lifetime. That gives it great importance, but like anything else in this life, is is subject to error and epic fails. Thank Jesus for his grace!
@creatr,
I haven't written back right away because I still needed some time to process....
Thank you for honestly digging in with me on this.
Sometimes its hard to see past the self guilt to see ourselves the way Jesus does.
Writing this; helping to heal; this will help me love overs....it's a difficult but good process.
Thanks. :)
Thank you, friend @organicrecreate, for taking the time and energy to read and respond to my comment. I've been planning to write some articles on this topic from a perspective I've never seen presented anywhere else. Reading your story has encouraged me to get going on those. God bless you and yours. 😄😇😄
I will be on the lookout for them....sounds great! :)
I pray God gives you wisdom on your endeavor!
Thank you so much for your encouragement! :)
An amazing read! By the way, it sounds to me like your first husband had already 'checked out' of the marriage. One such way was with the porn. Your own needs weren't being met. If you had REALLY felt loved and valued, you would not have ended up in a 'temporarily' but difficult situation. It all worked out for the best and you are Blessed for it. You are really being too hard on yourself. We are on Earth to Learn, to Evolve, to Teach, and to LOVE. You have accomplished them All! And still doing it! Thank You.
Thank you so much for the insight and kind words. I have discovered that I am consistently too hard on myself - and that plays out in how I treat others as well. Learning to forgive me is helping me learn to love all. This was a part of the process. Thanks for helping me heal!
This post has been ranked within the top 80 most undervalued posts in the second half of Feb 10. We estimate that this post is undervalued by $6.28 as compared to a scenario in which every voter had an equal say.
See the full rankings and details in The Daily Tribune: Feb 10 - Part II. You can also read about some of our methodology, data analysis and technical details in our initial post.
If you are the author and would prefer not to receive these comments, simply reply "Stop" to this comment.
Wow, I don't remember reading such honest and well written personal story in my 5 months on Steemit as this one. It must have been so hard for you to write it. We all make mistakes and poor choices, but everyone should have freedom to step away from the wrong path and start over. Thanks so much for sharing this and enjoy your new life!
@alcibiades,
Thank you so much for the kind words. I didn't respond quickly, honestly, because I needed to rest my mind on it for a while.
It was difficult to write, so your words are very appreciated. There is always the underlying fear that someone will think you are an awful person when you air something like this. I wrote it, then thought about not posting it. Then decided it might help someone else in some way, so might as well.
Not gonna lie, I had butterflies in my tummy when I hit the post button.
I believe it's a good thing that you let it out. It's a vent for you and everyone reading it can learn something from your experience. I knew from the moment I saw your introduction that I'll enjoy this blog. Keep it up!
Thank you so much! It consistently amazes me how kind the people the people are here.