A letter to my younger me. ( Going personal)

Sweet little innocent girl.

I am not writing you this letter to change the path you will take on in your life but to tell you that no matter what choice you make it will turn out okay. While I sit here and think about the words to put down I can feel my eyes burn ready to tear and yet my lips also curl into a huge smile from ear to ear. I am so proud of what you have done, so damn proud. You were born in the cold Winter and for some reason you will feel the coldness in your body for many years but trust me when I tell you that after a hard time the Sun will start to shine and you will become a warm person again.

You look like a little angel with your blonde hair and your bright grey eyes. Right now you look into the world with no fear and expectations for the future that is to come. You are a happy child with parents who love you with their whole being. You are 5 years old while you read this and I know that you are the most curious little thing in this world. You want to learn, see and feel everything and you are so creative. You can make toys from socks, plants and you are happy with every little thing you get. You have learned that money is not something everybody has and that Santa does not always bring big gifts in your house. You already know that Mom and Dad have to turn around every penny but you also learned that a gift made from nothing means so much more than a expensive barbie.

Little angel, you are going to be very proud because in one year from now Daddy will see the light and he will stop drinking his problems away, he will no longer drink beer and get home drunk. Mom will no longer fight with words with him because of his drinking problem. He will break his bad habit and fight for his family and show you and mom that he is a good person. I know you are sometimes scared that daddy won't come home anymore, you already think a bit too much as a grown up. Soon, little one daddy will have his last beer and he will go to meetings of the AA for many more years to come and when you are 36 you will celebrate his 30 years of being sober. You will feel proud and happy!

Sweet angel, You will move to a place they say is much better for children to grow up, a bigger house and you will get lots of friends. You will go to school and have a blast but while you get a bit older the neighbor hood you live in will slowly change to a place not many people want to live. Some of your friends will start to use drugs, soft drugs at first and slowly some of them will grab the harder stuff. I don't have to tell you not to use drugs because you are smart enough to know how bad it is for you. I am so proud that you never started to use drugs in a wrong way. You will blow a joint here and there, maybe 5 times in your young life but that is about it. You will see the pain drugs cause very close. I know you will fight and try to stop it and sadly I know that you will not win. You will lose one of your close friends to drugs, he will overdose and he will die. Just don't feel so bad when it happens, you have tried all you could. There is no use to beat yourself up for months sweet little one.

Innocent girl, you will lose one more friend, a close friend but not to drugs. I wish I could shelter you from this one but I can't because it happened so unexpected. You will lose your sweet friend to murder. He will die too young and at the hands of his own younger brother. You will shed many tears and you will miss him and wonder why and how this could happen. You will learn that you can't handle dead very well. You will notice that you close yourself down and maybe the fact that I point you at this will change your path a little. You will find out that he is buried low budget and you will also find out that you loved him but you kept your feelings to yourself because you were scared. You will remember the day that he looked into your big grey eyes and hear him say the words I want to kiss you. You will remember that you stopped him and turned away because of your own fears. You will, again beat yourself up too long and you will fall into a depression. But you will also find yourself again and grow stronger. Trust me, after all this pain it will all be okay again.

You lose your innocent too early in a fight and beat someone up really bad. You will let out your anger at the wrong time and place. For a moment you will feel proud but soon enough that feeling will fade and you will be able to see what you have done. You will hate yourself for doing that one thing to you that someone else did to you, using your fists. You will see the pain you have caused with your actions and you will face them together with the police. You will sit and listen, you will get a warning but you will never be able to forget what you have done. Because you let others hurt you for so long you took all that out at the wrong person. You will make up for it as good as you can but it will always stay with you and it will keep you from fighting ever again. You will value every life from that moment and you will always try to avoid fighting. You will learn to control your anger and you will learn to walk away.

Dear little mouse, one day something will happen that will make you fear the world and all the humans who live on the planet. You will lay in your bed on a hot Summer night and when you almost fall asleep you will hear a lot of noise and screaming outside. You will jump out of your bed because you can hear that something is not right. You will pull away the curtains and look outside the wide open window. Your eyes will fall upon two grown up males fighting. For some reason I hope you will look away but I know you won't. Your eyes will stay put on the bigger male and you will see him pull a knife. You will gasp for air and you will feel like you are getting a fist in the middle of your stomach. You will see the knife end up in the other male and you will stand frozen for a few minutes until your mom wraps her arms around you and pulls you away from the window. You will have nightmares for many years seeing this over and over. If I can change one moment in your life, it would really be this one.

Honey bear, I wish that this moment would not turn you into a scared little mouse who fears humans. I wish you would not fear everyone and lock yourself down because you are scared to be killed. I wish you would not hide yourself and try to keep your mom and dad inside the house because you are scared something or someone will kill them. I wish I could erase that moment of your life and shield you from the harm it caused to your soul. I wish I could take away the screams that are inside your head, his screams of pain and fear, his fight that changed you forever. But I know that in time, many years after you will be strong enough to break free from that fear and step into the real world again. It will all be okay.

Baby girl, I promise you that one day you will start to believe in a better world and you will start to trust people again. You will open yourself up and you will no longer hide yourself for all others. You will always stay shy but you will find a way to be yourself among others. You will grow up to be a strong woman with a mind of your own. You will keep your head up and you will smile again, I promise.

I tell you this because I know you will reach a point in your life that you no longer want to be alive. You will stand on that tall building, the balcony and look down thinking about jumping and fly to your end with open arms. You will think about the abusive relationship you had for 8 years, you will think about all the pain you had and about all the friends and family you lost in your short life. You will see your life like a movie playing before you. You will see yourself date a drug dealer, a abusive asshole and a few short flirts with guys you would never bring home. You will see that you always picked the wrong dudes to have a relationship with. You will feel that even you made mistakes and that things can also be your own fault. You will realize so many things at that moment but you will not jump. You will find your inner self at the same moment you want to end it all. You will scream and cry for days but you will get up and face all your problems and beat them. You will get medication and the help you need to stay strong. You will again find trust people around you and let them help and guide you without losing yourself ever again.

precious little dove, Please know that you will have to face all of this to become the person you are going to be later. Know that I am so proud of you and that I always want you to be you. Never change for anyone. And please so me one favor, go to art school. You will have that as your biggest wish but you will not act when you have the chance. You will chicken out and run away. Please little one, don't destroy your dreams, keep them and make them true.!

Love always,
Your future.

Image credit : Pinterest.