I've only really become to shape my person into something of positivity over the last few years. As the youngest son to a highly disabled monther and a loving yet damaged father... growing up was somewhat convoluted. An older bipolar sister in the mix and things get weird.
What do i want to acheive in this world? What will i become? How to make positive out of a dark light.
This is not a cry for help, for i am happy. It just seemed a long time in the making, as an angsty teenager i abused drugs, was quite dark and anti social. I discovered i had severe scoliosis at 17 and without an operation would be in a wheelchair by 30.
With this came not really despair, just hatred for others. Perhaps sub concious jealousy, who knows. At 19 surgery was done, took a good year to recover, still pains me daily.
In my early 20's i no longer smoked pot but met the wrong crowd and began heroin abuse. Watched two best friends die in my arms over the next 4 years. The pain was never felt or real until i got clean (cold turkey).
As i've gotten older and experienced drugs i got over it, became an artist. Started playing guitar, trying to search for somethimg in this world other then instant gratification. Nothing good comes from an instant, but from years of hard work and dedication.
Perhaps its just growing up that the mind begins to mature and change. Or maybe the things i've seen and experienced in life. The killing feilds in cambodia, death in my arms. The faces of my brothers as they take their last breath turn blue and wash away like the ocean.
These days I'm about to turn 28 and im happy for once. Im drug free, i study osteopathic medicine to better my own scoliosis and help others in need. I have a lovely partner a nice little car. Im not rich or well known. that angsty little me died with my friends, left in the abyss.
As lame as it sounds, a healthy diet and regular exercise really seems to be the answer. Dont rely on anything that gives instant gratification. Its a lie. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Alex.
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