It is Time to Try to Move On

My son died last week.

I still am not sure where I am or where I am going. But I know I need to deal with it. Since I love writing, I decided to deal with it this way. I will not write about how he died. I think there is too much fixation on that and I do not think it is important at this moment. I barely even think of that though I do make phone calls every day and look for new articles on the Internet. But I know I must accept that any answers out there will not satisfy me or bring him back. So, I will just deal with it. Accept it. And mourn.

But I think the best way to deal with this is to keep writing so I can know where I am. Which means my readers will also know where I am. And I hope you folks respond and talk to me. It is helpful. Every Monday, I am going to bring this up. I know it will be rather long-winded at times. But I need this. And I hope that someone out there will read this and it may help or someone may have gone through this before and can help me. I never know.

What Happened

I heard from my sister-in-law last Tuesday night. The text came from my ex-wife, but I was having a great birthday and did not want to deal with it. So I ignored the call and texted her. My sister-in-law told me that Joey was missing and his friends were saying he had died. Of course I did not believe it but was worried. I called his cell phone a few times and he did not answer. I had talked to him the day before and he sounded fine. I sat and thought. And I broke down. I knew it could have happened (I won't get into that). I called my daughters. I was dizzy and numb. I fell on the floor again but barely remember it. I did not cry. I went on the Internet a found that there was an "unattended death" at the same college he attended. I called the police station. I called the police spokesman. I called everyone. Nothing.

His body was identified the next day. No one from the family had seen him. He was identified by fingerprints. Josie, who spent the night with me, had to go to work. When the news arrived, I was numb. I did not cry. I did not fall to the ground. I just sat there. I really don't remember anything from that day. I had no emotion. I think I made some calls to settle my daughters and check on my father but I'm just not sure.

Aftermath

As one can imagine, there is a lot of suffering. I could not cry but I was very tense. My jaw was continually clinched. Josie and my parents kept in touch with me, my ex-wife and my children. My children are in such pain. When I saw them, it hit me. I started crying and I could not stop. It lasted for hours. But, when finally done, I felt better, more at peace. I know things are going to change, there are those stages one goes through when dealing with this. Maybe I'll blog about that later because I do not know what they are.

I must admit that I did not want to cry in front of my girls because I felt I needed to be strong for them. I failed a few times. But I needed to and I would feel much better after I recovered (though sometimes it could take me an hour to recover). Now, I am angry and have very little focus. I am having issues working.