One of my earliest memories is standing outside of my friend’s house for about two hours whilst I waited for him to come back from his grandparents so that we could go out and play. Two hours?? That’s like millennia to a kid, and you’d be right. I can remember being bored out of my brain for that whole time, but I waited, like Lassie, until he came back, even after his Mum tried to discourage me a few times.
I was an abandoned child. I didn’t like to miss out.
Actually, I was an abandoned adult too.
Making friends for me as a child was hard. I was a likable kid no doubt but as I’ve stated before in previous posts I’m autistic, so there are some things about people that I just didn’t get. Interactions that friends and other children did that made me think, “Woah, what’s that all about then?”
Then there was the time I told the new Pakistani kid that he smelled of curry. This resulted in me being bullied for at least a year, badly. I hadn’t been educated on niceties yet. In my naivety I was just saying what I thought, I had no clue that it may not have been pleasant for him to hear — but I eventually learned. I was a slow learner.
I had a few friends in childhood. My face fitted so I was always in the cool groups but never enough to be invited to the cool parties. Not that it was a huge deal to me anyway because put me amongst too many people and I became a gibbering wreck. I wasn’t one for huge social gatherings. I have never been.
Being abandoned sucks, especially if it’s from one of your parents. I think in my Dads mind he was doing what was best for me at the time combined with that he didn’t really believe that I was his. Dad had such low self-esteem in his Narcissistic view of the world. Nevertheless, when he went AWOL and the barely present amount of times he was in my life beforehand caused me to reject my life at its core. I rejected me. I always had Mum to cheer my corner yet there was always that side of me that pined for a loving father figure I never had.
Being an abandoned kid threw up some crazy challenges for me. Like trusting that my friends would be where they told me they would be, or be back at the time they said they would be back. Being abandoned threw trust right out of the window and it’s something I had to learn to regain as an adult through diversifying my friendship circles.
I was never a liked kid at High School. I mean I had friends, and perhaps for some, I was a commodity, but I never had popularity or a general following of onlookers that wanted to be me. Yeah, I was just plain old Raymond and I jumped from group to group trying to find a home for myself in a high school click, but I never really gelled with anyone. I had perhaps two really good and true friends all the way through that whole escapade, but then after a crazy decision, I moved to England.
It eventually hit me how important friendships were when I hit a two-year-long depression stage whilst living in England and my friendships broke down and dropped off like dead flies. I had resigned to not leaving the house, and only doing so to go to work.
To my so-called friends I was no fun anymore, and the only two that did visit me regularly did so because I had a free and empty house. I realised by then that I didn’t really have any true friends, not any that I could rely on anyway. It dawned on me that I needed to diversify slightly in the people that I was letting into my inner circle, previously it had been people that were only interested in themselves.
That was about the time I went on a path of tremendous self-discovery and personal change. When I realised that perhaps I wasn’t giving out the right message to people and I began to change that. I met some whacking great people online and offline since then and it’s been an amazing ride.
See, I’ve spent a lifetime of being abandoned and not having many people in my life that were interested in me as a person that I’ve learned to value those that come into my life now and stay for a while. I fiercely protect those closest to me because it’s incredibly valuable to have people like that in my life. I had one friend several years ago that abruptly ended our friendship without an explanation. I cried that night, and it left me wondering whether they were a friend after all. It makes me wonder if many friendships today are paper-thin, hanging scarily over the cliff edge waiting for a gentle breeze to blow them over. Nevertheless, I’ll fight for the people in my life, and I have a spine of steel, so if I’m pissed off in any way, I’ll get over it. I invited them in for a reason and there’s no way I’m going to dump them forever over a silly argument about food (which happened to me).
Call me loyal as fuck, because that’s what I am. Old faithful, always there with a smile on my face.
But you need to know that I’m scarred. I’m scarred by bad fathers, by teachers, by exes, by old friends coming into my life and promising me the world only to leave with destruction and mayhem in their wake, and to drop me when I’m at my most lost. I’m an old battle-hardened war-sword. I’m skeptical, I’m wary, and although you can akin me to old faithful it takes a pillar of trust and integrity for me to let you into my friendship circle. I don’t just let anyone in.
But once you’re in there, if it’s something that interests you, once you’re in my friendship circle then I’ll fiercely defend you until I draw my last breath.
I don’t make friends for something to compliment my time when I’m bored,
I make friends for life.
Wow! This really touched me too. I can imagine your past unhappy experience with friends and your father.
I am happy about your resolution. I know many will be by your side to fight with you. I love this @raymondspeaks.
We need to fight and keep the people we bring closer.
Thanks
Thank you :)
Despite the obvious anguish you've been through, I just want to congratulate you on being an astounding overcomer. Look what you've accomplished just here in this community! Wow.
Friends are a bit over-rated, in my opinion, though I am fortunate to have my wife, and a brother who I get along pretty well with. I suppose that may put me in a much better position than you, potentially right there. But I have lost friends...guys I thought would be my best friends forever as a teenager have completely slipped out of my life. The girl I thought I would marry one day, left me for one of those guys, and messed me up bad for several years.
But we all learn to cope if we are overcomers, and you DEFINITELY, are one of those. I can tell by the power of your writing. No one who had not found coping mechanisms to bring himself sanity and just enough joy to get by could write like you write.
Maybe you've never considered the one true friend that can give you lasting joy...yes, you probably know where I'm going with this, so I won't preach to you.
Just one verse to ponder though...found in Psalm 18:24:
"A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Be well, friend. This world has LOADS of beauty in it. You've found some, but there's more. Never stop looking and loving and enjoying!
All the best,
Steve
Thank you man :) - um, I'm not religious, but I have a high belief that people should be allowed to believe in what they want to believe :)
Absolutely.
Peace.
Sadly, I think in time most of us grow into battered and guarded people. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it is survival. We have to separate ourselves from those who negatively impact us, and selectively choose the ones who are for us.
I think you're right. I think that's all part of the growing cycle. It's up to our parents to give us coping mechanisms :)
Hopefully, but unfortunately some people do not learn healthy coping mechanisms from their parents.