Fear of surrendering complete control of my life. Fear of the loss of freedom to do what I want when I want. Fear of the kids being unhealthy. Fear of being pushed over the edge of insanity at having committed to something I actually didn’t want that could potentially turn out as a hell. Fear of the absolute worst of rage, hatred, resentment, and evil in myself coming out. Fear of being entrapped in a situation I can’t walk away from without compromising integrity. Etc, etc.
This seems to be coming from something more deep, way beneath the surface. A not so shiny childhood?
Oddly, there’s alot of my childhood I don’t remember. Bits and pieces, sure. But quite a bit of emotional detachment and lots of memory I haven’t had access to.
Yet, nothing in particular that stands out as being all that bad. Parents weren’t perfect - mom depressed, dad easily irritable and kind of emotionally-abusive/hard on my mom, but nothing extreme. We’re both fairly loving parents as far as I recall.
Dug up an incident in my last ayahuasca ceremony - not 100% sure if actually happened or pieced together fragments of memory - of some “metoo” shit that happened when 8 and would have fragmented my psyche if did happen. Though I dunno if that alone would account for the totality of all the fears listed above...