For me this is what full sobriety feels like. I am so used to finding calm from the anxiety that haunts me by using substances that allow me to escape myself, even for a couple minutes. I am an over-thinker, a self hater, and ultimately an anxious person. By removing myself from the mental equation at least my full force can drastically improve my anxiety and help me find solutions without spiralling into panic. Ultimately, it is also easier than just living through every moment forced to be yourself. By allowing myself an escape, I can create emotional distance from a situation and suppress dark feelings of destruction. Unfortunately, there is always two sides to a coin and sometimes your methods of release can hurt those around you and create problems that are far worse than they were originally. I am beginning to try to find methods of distraction or of interaction with my anxiety in an attempt to avoid the blowback caused by feeding into my need for control. Sometimes control comes as a joint, a cigarette or a bottle, sometimes it comes as starvation or binging. I am trying to find control within writing, by calming my anxiety by addressing its concerns and validating its opinions.
So that is what this is. A desperate attempt to quiet myself by expressing myself.
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