As time moves on I find it more difficult to engage with others in meaningful ways. Outside of my core group (wife, kids, mom) I often find myself feeling as an outsider. Even within my core group I often find feelings of exclusion. Though no one in my family excludes me from a thing (emotionally, socially, physically) I still find myself with this feeling. I am known as the outgoing one, the one that can always be looked to for a laugh or smile. This is part of who I am. However, I often find myself saying things that do not fulfill who I am as a person.
My mother tells me that I need to bring myself closer to God (she doesn't understand that I put God first in everything I do). My therapist has told me to explore new things and find what is important to me. My wife just asks me to be happy with who I am.
I have come to the conclusion that my happiness is not something that is easily figured out. My mind must stay in the right set and my soul must stay aligned with what God wants. The part of enlightenment is that I know my mind is not corrupt. I feel that my soul is stands where it should. I find that my heart belongs to my God and wife.
Always place your God before yourself and life will always be worth living.
I am Ryan and this is my family.
