My heart hugs you.
I can feel through your words what is happening to you. During the duel we experience so many emotions and our mind never stops, we will always find reasons to blame ourselves "and if I had done" or "because I did not do that" Why now just when ... ".
With the departure of a loved one, suffer those who remain here. Crying helps us release these emotions. Live your duel, this is good.
It is also good to move the pelvis.
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Try to forgive yourself for what your mind tries to accuse you. Be good to yourself. We are humans. "Permitted errors" ¿remember?
Your mother has always been proud of you. The mistakes, if they existed, for her do not count. The love of sons is all that a mother needs. You love her very much.
You and your mother will always be united, only now she are in different forms. You do not need your physical body, whenever you need it, just feel that she is there, next to you. She hugs you, kisses you and takes care of you.
Remember that your mother wants you to be well, attends to this desire.
And this includes not only the mind, but also the body, sleep, eat well etc.
Tqm.