In my last post I gave an introduction to Clinical Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder and told a story about my life in highschool years, you can check my last post clicking here.
Despite my highschool years not being the best years, I still was close to the feelings of happiness and hope, these feelings would later dissipate and sometimes stay as a background noise.
Year after highschool, Pre-college & College years.
There isn't really that much to tell of the events right after highschool, everything went decently until early 2011, I was just a freshman studying architecture, the drug use became more of a common thing to do, as I got into a toxic relationship with a party girl, things were fun and everything went fine, until we broke up, I couldn't handle the rejection but still swallowed my feelings. I wasn't even in love, I just couldn't bear to be alone.
College overall wasn't that hard, I just didn't pay enough attention in the beginning, still, it made me the most socially anxious I've ever was until that point.
Then she came, This girl that seemed to be a nice girl, we didn't have much in common but somehow we ended up together, Have you ever had memories blocked?, I don't remember a lot of the 2 years, almost 3 I wasted on that relationship, It tore me apart on a psychological level, I don't wanna picture myself as the victim here, she had her own problems, but mine at the moment is that I had literally no self-esteem and couldn't really stand up for myself. She was a control freak, pathological liar, and extremely manipulative.
I felt stressed out most of the time around her.
I couldn't share my ideas, my feelings, anything, I would just feel crushed. all the time, with seemingly no one to back me up. She made me be a person I was not, I was only a drone. I had to lie even about the most mundane stuff, everything was a spark to a fight, a fight where I was always the loser and I never was right. I became more and more impulsive, Getting stressed out of nothing, yelling for no reason, and thinking about suicide was an everyday thing, and she even wanted to antagonize my family for everything.
I don't really wanna dig up more into that, but it was a fucking hard time in my life. We broke up because of reasons I don't (want to) remember. And I felt happy for a while, just because thanks to her I got interested in taking Bartender classes, which opened a lot of doors for me in the future.
Or At least I thought so...
My coping mechanisms were not healthy, I smoked weed every day, I became a sex addict, loved going to parties at least 2 times a week for the sole reason of getting extremely drunk or high in whatever drug was available at the party. I just wanted to be disconnected from reality.
I knew my next girlfriend in classes, she was innocent and pure, compared to me, a misfit of society.
Despite being happy with her, I couldn't help but lie to her about stuff I did, how much drugs I consumed, where I spent my time, and I stopped being faithful to her.
Somehow I stopped going to classes, and I prefered to stay in bed the most time possible, going out of my house was an idea that started to terrify me.
During all of this time Depression hit me with a lot of strength, and I couln't vent out. I felt most people I talked to didn't care or couldn't understand what I was talking about. I left collegue back in 2014 and continued with this relationship that was going nowhere for a year more. She broke up with me after she found I was having sex with other girl, she only knew about one.
In the mean time I was dedicated to be a bartender and had several jobs where I felt I was finally good at something, still, working at nights let me to know certain circles of people. And It was easier to me to get into bad habits, like alcoholism, eating disorders, cocaine and other recreational drugs use.
I continued working as a bartender for a long time and knew a lot of amazing people, yet the feeling of despair never left.
This is a fast re-cap of everything that happened from 2011-2015 without much personal details. Still, despite having Ups and Downs in my life, It was pretty much a regular life of a young adult.
And Most of the time I felt all of my feelings were normal for this age, I didn't know I was feeding this black savage beast called Depression this whole time.
__ -Have you ever felt drowned in your own feelings and thoughts?__
- Have you ever felt a knot in your throat that doesn't let you speak?-
-Have you ever felt the need of running away naked to the most isolated place in the world?
-Have you ever felt the need of Killing yourself for no concrete reason?
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