You're verbalizing something I wholeheartedly agree with. To some extent, we can control how we react to something. And to the greater degree we are able to do so, the more control we have over ourselves and the situation we're in. The ability to stay centered and serene can be difficult when being provoked but not doing so IS giving away your power. Additionally, some people provoke as a tactic, it is how they attempt to control situations. Remaining calm, collected and measured in response not only maintains your own power but nullifies that of this combatant.
However, this is easier said than done. And we truly do have chemical reactions when attacked even verbally (surges of adrenaline) as self-defense mechanisms. The body launches into action and gives the brain a couple of seconds to assess the situation and decide the next response. It's those couple of seconds and what you do with them that makes all the difference.
Studies have shown that when our fight or flight or freeze responses are triggered the brain activity in our prefrontal cortex decreases and further hurts our ability to make rational decisions. Fortunately, there is a technique is called “distancing”, which is designed to remove yourself, even momentarily from the moment as the rush of self-preservation is setting in.
And you hit this on the head too. The words you hear, whether hurtful or aggressive are not your own, and they often represent more about the person making them then do about you. In fact, it's proven that that people react strongly when they see their own flaws reflected in other people. And those reactions are about how they judge themselves.
If you can imagine that they ARE speaking about themselves, and the hurt attempted is actually hurt reflected. And if you can then try to show compassion it's totally disarming. "I'm sorry you feel this way." "This must be hard for you." "How can I help you to feel better about this?"
If you do not accept an attack as valid or a fact. Then you are choosing how you want to react.
All you need to do is give yourself a few extra seconds.
Wow, that got longer than I was expecting.
Thank you for the generous acknowledgment.