You inevitably lose that which you hold too tightly before realizing what you were clinging to was never real, but merely a figment of the imagination, a belief, or expectation.
When we let go we free ourselves from the pain of being let down. We can then appreciate the beauty in diversity, we become more patient and more flexible. We see new opportunities where previously our options appeared limited. Surrender, and gain the world.
Learning occurs by a process of linking of ideas. The more connections an idea has to other ideas, the more credence it is given, and the harder it is to counteract. Beliefs are these types of ideas. You could say the strength of a belief depends on how many people agree with it or how much evidence supports it, but this says nothing about whether that belief reflects any objective truth. What even is truth? It seems we create our own truths irrespective of the beliefs of other people (previously discussed here). Sometimes learning new things requires unlearning of old things, and purposefully unlearning is necessary for growth. A belief is real insofar as it occupies a particular channel of your neurophysiology but one must ask, to what degree does reality operate on the supposed truth of this belief? The discovery of a single counterexample can jeopardize the whole paradigm.
When faced with cognitive dissonance many will either question the validity of a source of information, or deny the information outright, but a few, the insatiably curious and fervently courageous, will turn inward and ask, where do I see a need to modify my own paradigm to accommodate some new insight?
Eventually one holds such a diversity of ideas, some of which contradict other ideas, that one may instead choose to entertain a variety of possibilities and refrain from holding one particular notion above another. A Zen practitioner is someone who does exactly that by unlearning as much as possible. How can anyone live seemingly without certainty, no compass, and no direction for making decisions? Indeed, quite simply. The homework is to distinguish between the beliefs you create for yourself and the ones you have inherited by default. It is a shedding of peripheral ideas and a focusing of energy into the few ideas which serve to guide the actions that bring you the most joy, peace, happiness, and contentment. Identify your core values and vow to act only in accordance with those values. Your values need to be specific and they need to be continuously refined and revised. For example you might say, "I value love, acceptance, inclusion, and cooperation. I will honor others' pursuits of happiness just as highly as my own." Or you may say, "I value a healthy body and mind and will engage in behaviors that promote health while diminishing those that create disease."
I find that the less I expect from people the less I am disappointed and the more often I am pleasantly surprised. This is a much easier way of living than repeatedly having my hopes dashed. Most people you know do not intentionally aim to hurt you; the pain of being let down comes from your own ego. The practice of managing expectations is an effective approach to relationships and better for your own peace of mind. Expecting little is not the same as pessimism or doubt; it is the willingness to be open to all possibilities. It is liberating in the moment and therefore more ultimately fulfilling. My question is: with regard to romantic relationships, can we maintain a healthy level of detachment for our own wellbeing while cultivating the conditions for continued attraction? Your thoughts?
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