In the subsequent post, I will be sharing the word which played a big role in my self definition and life experience during that time alongside the word lost: hope.
All of us can relate to the familiar experiences of lostness and hope. Experiencing hope even whilst feeling absolutely lost within yourself and your life…I was no different.
The inner conflict between lostness and hope within me became ever the more progressive as I aged when it came to the time when I was 18 (eighteen) and having to find my own feet and independence in this world. I didn't know who I was nor what I wanted to be and do with my life - yet, had the safety net of hope existing within me, on a realistic level, due to my father having had savings for me to be able to further my studies when I finally decide what I want to do / become.
I will continue with the story of how lost I felt during the final years when it came to deciding how I was to further my studies in University / College - for the moment, I would like to share some background context regarding who I was as a person:
I only had a handful of friends in high school. Reflecting on the person that I was, especially after my mother passed and what had become of my emotions and actions towards myself and others: is not something I was proud of and have walked a lengthy, deep process within myself to eventually understand WHY and HOW it is that I changed to the extent that I did after my mother's death. I thought I knew who I was when everything in my life was the same, ordinary and routine. It was easy to know all that I am and capable of given that everything was safe, secure and comforting…so was I in my comfort-zone of self-definition. What I would ultimately realize is that the death of my mother was to be the greatest challenge of my self-definition I came to face (in my life thus far). With not understanding the mind and emotions as I do now, with not understanding how to change and that I am capable of changing myself, together with what is really involved with self change: this time became all the more difficult for me and others in my life.
We don't comprehend nor take into account, with not understanding our own mind and so ourselves - the extent to which it impacts others in our lives. I only came to truly realize the depth of consequence I created for myself and others during the time of my mothers death and thenceforth, until I came to truly understand myself, my own mind in this process of writing, self forgiveness and change have lived these past years. I cannot change the self and life I created for myself and was responsible for - even with not being 'aware and innocent' during the period after my mother's passing and before meeting Bernard. However, I was able to ensure not to make the same mistakes and facilitate change in individuals, families and relationships by sharing what I have come to realize throughout my life and process to prevent such life-long consequence one has to live with.
It is the difficult thing in life: knowing I did not know better - YET knowing or not knowing, you still gotta live with the consequence inside yourself and the reminder of it in your daily life. I would want better for others as I know I would have wanted better for myself if I just understood how the mind, emotions and life works when it comes to challenges. I'd say we take for granted the extent and depth to which life events challenges us on many levels we may not immediately be aware of, yet seeps through in time. How the shock, trauma and emotion of, for example, a death in the family can creep through into your behavior and decisions later in life.
I believed I dealt with my mother's death when I was 16 - even up into the time when meeting Bernard. I was a pro at suppression, even from the day my mother passed believing I should be the 'strong one'. It was an automatic thought entering my mind, reasoning that because I was the eldest - I had to be "the strong one". Not realising how this suppression would come an bite me in the ass as shown by my behaviour and actions during the time after her death and before meeting Bernard. I would come to understand later in my life how my suppressions came to define my behaviour and decisions, made unconsciously via all my suppression emotions related to my mother's death. This part of the story I will continue with in a next post.
During my waitressing years I thought of my mother less with keeping so busy all the time. Getting lost in the hustle and bustle of tables - running from one table to the next the entire day. Bringing out the best of (do you mean to say “the best of me”?) to serve people as this guaranteed satisfied and returning customers offering valued tips on which my income depended.
This being one of the reasons I came to see waitressing as a sanctuary of sorts: the one place not reminding me of my mother. I could stay away and get away from my own emotions by doing everything else but spend time in my emotions with her loss.
I have come to realise that suppression leads to the inevitable breakdown and tearing open of the old wounds I would so fervently attempt to band aid with suppression. Realising that it is easier to be brutally self honest with your emotions, get to the heart of your self forgiveness, gift yourself the time to mourn and realise the loss of such an important individual in your life that will partially always be with you.
Yet the greatest gift I could give to myself and my mother was to transform my relationship with her, her life, into my gifts and take with me as life lessons she has taught me, into the rest of my life. I would never have known how to do this if I did not make the decision to start a journey with Bernard, to essentially start a new chapter in my life with Bernard. I would have lived ignorant and naïve with suppression seeping through into my emotions and actions - god knows where my life would have gone with the state it was already in during my waitressing years before meeting Bernard.
We all can relate to that moment / a couple moments in our lives where we look back and go: "My goodness, if I did not make that choice in the moment - things would have gone downhill forevermore. This was the best ever decision I could have made for myself. I never knew my life could turn out so fulfilling." The above choice was one of them.
This background I shared is important to understand as I dive into my story of why I do what I do. With understanding how things for me, my relationships in life could have been different if I knew how to deal with my mother's death at the time on ALL levels of SPECIFICALLY (is this supposed to read ‘specificity?), IN DETAIL; being able to work through how my self definition was challenged by my thoughts and emotions triggering: I am on all levels of me, through and through dedicated to assist and support people to understand their own mind and so themselves. If you do not understand your own mind - you cannot understand yourself and so your entire life becomes one huge heap of misunderstanding and mistakes. I would not want this for me in who I was back then - I would have wanted the education and understanding I have now. Therefore, for those who are ready to change, which is where I was at when I met Bernard and ME, MYSELF AND I decided to walk a process with him: this sharing of myself I dedicate to you and hold to it inspiring you in some way or another to dedicate yourself and your life to you to understanding yourself and mind and realising how you are capable of changing it.
I will continue in the next post of my decision to take a gap year, starting waitressing and my emotional personality within considering the dimensions of lost and hope. With all of us being able to relate to lostness and hope, I will share with you my story within these all too familiar themes and what I came to realise when I enabled myself to empower myself within my own lostness and hope…to eventually stumble upon myself in a way (lol!).
Enjoy
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