When Your Life is Not Your Own

Significant events (as the cause) and the effect it had on who I was, leading to creating the path I walked in my life are:

· My mother's cancer diagnosis

· My father relocating our family due to career

· My mother's passing

· which lead to my father remarrying, with the woman he married being the one to suggest I start working at the very coffee shop where I would make the decision that at that time was to potentially change my life, and eventually did with all the decisions I made thereafter

Through Portalling I would come to see how an innumerable amount of 'lines' from my mother's individual life path, my father's, mine, my stepmother's and everyone/everything involved in our lifetimes that would come together in that moment of meeting Bernard at the coffee shop where I was waitressing. Interdimensionally, through Portalling, the lines represent cause and effect, decisions, ripple effects and domino's falling through time. Appearing chaotic, yet there is order. Representing how we unequivocally create our own paths in life within the moments of who we are and the decisions we make.

Overall, our lives are like a path. Concurrently, we are ping-pong balls in constant, unceasing flux when it comes to everyday life consisting of abounding moments of cause and effect, leading to decision making and consequence when it comes to our relationship with ourselves in our minds and everyday life.

For example, in a day - looking at our inner/mind world: we're constantly stimulated by our own thoughts, reactions (cause) creating an experience inside of us (effect) leading to a decision of who we are / how we're handling our own minds and then creating a consequence (how we speak / behave). Looking at our outside world: we're triggered by people, moments, experiences, visual and sensory stimilus etc. - creating the same equation as we experience in our mind worlds. Our inner and outer worlds are relentlessly flicking us, the ping-pong, into a myriad of directions within and without - all of which coming down to one thing: challenging who we are and how we'll live who we are in thought, word and deed.

It's compelling reflecting on my day through Portalling and seeing my inside and outside world as a constant chaotic ping pong, yet within the chaos there is order. The order that is me - me in who I am and me in who I am becoming. We are always in a process of becoming. I'd say it is this 'becomingness' that I'd define as the steadfast force within all the chaos anchoring our life processes this life.

All the mini ping-pongs throughout our days, eventually lead to the self and life defining ping-pongs when it comes to significant events / people who become a part of our lives. This is why I strive, to this day, to do my utmost in walking my everyday life process to the best of my ability. I cannot foresee the immediate outcome of my thoughts, words and deeds in the present - yet know they will one day determine, define and create the future I walk into someway or another.

Being cognizant of all of the above now, who I was when I started waitressing was an altogether different story.

Many can relate to the experience of feeling as though life is happening to you, other people are more in control of your life than you are of your own, everyone is doing things FOR YOU and you are just following according to who / what is saying / doing something for you next or whatever seems to be better. As though you are walking your life in a dream - half awake, half asleep, just following, doing, dragging your feet through life. I have one word for this experience: lost. Where you have no anchor in who you are, what you want to do with yourself, your life. Nor have you really got to grips with yourself and your life in a way where you decided to create yourself, your life through developing skills, techniques and/or talents etc.

Lost is exactly what I felt for most of my life, even before my mother died. I always tried to fit in, find out where I belong and when I did - it didn't last for long and I was back where I was before: lost. It felt like I was being thrown by life from one point, person, event, experience to the next. When my mother died - this lostness in me became more pronounced and accentuated. This was me as the living experience and definition of the word 'lost'.

We can all relate to this experience of lostness in one way or another. Can relate to having felt this all your life / it being a part of you and the experience of yourself all your life. Some can only generally relate. However you personally relate, lostness is something that exists in everyone to some extent or degree. I have come to learn in my process that this lostness had to do with understanding myself, creating a purpose / reason for myself this life and how I would give myself and my life meaning. I have come to learn that when you experience this sense of lostness within yourself, to whatever degree, several factors / dimensions could be contributing:

· Not having a defined purpose

· Misunderstanding something about yourself, your thoughts, your behaviours / reactions

· Not giving yourself meaning and waiting for others / life itself to give it to you

· Waiting for a purpose / reason instead of taking initiative and deciding to create your own

· Not yet realising your potential when it comes to skills, talents and abilities you may have that are unexplored by yourself due to not trying / testing things out and challenging yourself

In the subsequent post, I will be sharing the word which played a big role in my self definition and life experience during that time alongside the word lost: hope.

See all in the next!