Pt 15: I didn't know, what I didn't know:
Our second child was due in May, and after having vacationed in Oregon, Christmas, New Year, and loosing a loved one, there was still much to be done around the house, that I was putting off. We had kicked my grandpa out, and my brother who were living with us at the time because it was time for them to find their own place, and we needed the extra room for the new baby.
When we found out that we were pregnant with our second child, of course we were excited, but that excitement dampened every day for me personally as we got closer to the due date. The ultrasound confirmed we were having a baby girl. Every fiber in my being hated that idea. I absolutely did not want a girl.
After every OB appointment leading up to her delivery, I went home sobbing asking the doctors to check and check again, and each time they'd assured me, that nothing had changed since the last appointment.
Let me explain my journey a tad deeper to help you understand:
The thought of having a daughter terrified me. How was I supposed to raise a daughter, when the very essence of "being a girl" was taken from me the worst way imaginable? How could I raise a daughter when there I was, at just 23, figuring out how to be a woman that late in life? I didn't know how to braid hair, paint toes, and hell, I wore men's clothing majority of the time and grew up a "Tom-Boy" so how was I to even dress her? Clueless and absolutely terrified, I rejected the idea all together. I just could not bring myself to a place to ever accept it. Being a Christian also, I believe that all life is precious from conception, even if it was not the gender I had preferred. Now that doesn't mean that I wasn't pissed off at God. I was livid. I grew more and more bitter and let it fester within me.
In the late hours of the night, I cried out; "God, you have some sick sense of humor to do this to me! How dare you! You know everything I've been through and yet here you are giving me a daughter?! You're the God of everything, and you have to power to change this situation, so why haven't you!? I asked for a second son! If you truly know the desires of my heart like you say, then why? Why is this happening!? Please, God! Give me a second son instead!"
I was so convinced that I wasn't going to be a fit mother, and mad that God didn't change His mind, that I looked into adoption agencies, and started to see which one would be a good fit for her. I began researching how to go about placing a child up for adoption. I figured if I weren't going to be a good enough mother, then I would at least give her a fighting chance to have a better life than that of which I could provide.
On May 17th, at 41 weeks pregnant, I went in to be induced. She had missed her due date by 2 weeks, and it was time. I went into the hospital at 7:30am, and they hooked me up to all their machines and monitors. Checking both our heart rates and doing one last ultrasound to see if she was breach, they confirmed she was in fact still a girl and we would meet each other soon. I laid there watching movies all day, until about 11:30pm and still no baby. Pete and our now, almost 3 year old son Eli went home to get some rest and let the dogs potty, and they would be back in the morning before she was born. The morning of May 18th, came and she was born at 8:37am. I told the nurses I didn't want to see her and to just wait until Pete arrived. They didn't listen to me, and immediately she was placed in my arms. Pete and Eli were still at home asleep when she was born, and I later would come to realize that that was all part of a bigger plan.
It was in that moment that my calloused heart began to shatter. I looked at her, and she looked up at me and in that moment I was filled with what I can only describe as the love of God. Something supernatural had occurred in that moment, and every ounce of bitterness, and hatred toward the idea of having a daughter, vanished. Immediately I cried out to God taking back everything I had ever said leading up to that moment. I began to thank Him and gave Him my trust on how to raise her. I cried out and asked him to forgive my hardened heart, and thanked him for this new blessing.
We agreed on the name Skylar Grace early on, but weren't really sure as to why. We would later find out that the name Skylar is an English derivative of the name of Schuyler, or Scholar which in turn means "wisdom and knowledge". And Grace means: (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor/power of God, and the bestowal of blessings.
It was in that special moment of alone time with just me, God, and my baby girl that I heard the voice of God say to me; "I am giving you the wisdom, knowledge and grace to be her mother and every time you look at her and say her name, you will be reminded of my promise!"
I sat there waiting for Pete, Eli and other guests to arrive in awe of everything that had happened! My daughter smiled at me while I held her in my arms and I knew in that moment my love for her would never be the same. Nothing else mattered. I would figure it out when we got there. Everything that I had felt leading up to that moment needed to happen. It was never a "her issue", it was a me and my heart issue. To this day, my daughter is truly my best friend, and I wouldn't be half the person I am today had I not walked through that. God does have your best interest at heart and mind, and He does hear you when you cry. He is near to the brokenhearted, and knows the things we don't. You might not understand it at the time, but you will in His time.
