A distant friend and I made an arrangement to meet on a Thursday and like most promises are, this one got broken.
I was quiet for a few days, trying to account for all I set aside to meet up, mulling over the disappointment and getting used to people failing all over again.
So I got a voice note after two weeks with the words "I'm sorry"
It was the kind of apology that hadn't done justice to the disappointment I felt so I waited for more chats and it didn't come.
I nudged her on by saying "I am unhappy with you".
No replies. Not even an annoying one lettered 'k' or any scrambled expletive to fill in the deafening silence between my bitterness and her truce breaking
I got offline and after a month, I realized I had held her to a unique standard of apology that was quite personal to me and it hurt me deeply that she had failed to meet that standard.
It was precisely why I was bitter--the fact that I didnt feel "I'm sorry" was enough of an apology. I wanted more than that because I would have done more than that. I would have suggested we fixed another date to meet,after explaining why I didn't make the first arrangement work.
That's a proper apology as I know it!
While these thoughts wafted through my mind, I got an innocuous chat. She asked if I was bearing a grudge...
"Yes!"
But I felt so ashamed about it.
She had been free and friendly since she said the "I'm sorry" phrase and I had been fiendish-- shackled by my opinion of what a true apology is that I couldn't breathe fresh air.
"What a waste of bitterness!" I thought.
Many times, it is not what people do to us that weigh us down. It is the tall standards we hold them to and they fail at, that make us most disappointed.
So I learned to judge people's actions by their standards and not mine. If "I'm sorry" is genuine enough for her, so be it even if it doesn't scrape the surface of what I really want to hear.
This is the kind of philosophy you adopt when dealing with people who hurt you with their behavior when you hardly think they'd be able to. You don't have to bear a grudge...at least not for long. You just understand the rules they play by and move on.
You have a boss who normally hurls insults at you. Don't sit with a can of popcorn after work bearing a grudge. Understand that's the rule he plays by and move on.
You have parents who curse you out during every phone conversation. You can't change them! Understand that's the standard they live by. You can't judge them by your standards.
You can't change those who do things to hurt you but you can change how you respond to the pain they cause.
If the point of being displeased is to cause a positive change, you might be caught being unhappy with those who won't change.
What a waste of unhappiness!
Don't sit and groan. Lift your butt and grow.