Why Is finding yourself so damn hard?

All I want to know is what I want to do with my life. I just need to know what type of career I should be pursuing. I want to know if I’m on the right track. I don’t know if I want to be an artist, writer, have a career in IT. I don’t want to me stuck somewhere for the rest of my life and wishing I chose a different path. I thought I would be happy in IT but this new job is testing that. I’m not outgoing or aggressive like my parents and employers tell me to be. I definitely don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not for the rest of my life.I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy.

I mean, I’m happy whenever I’m with my boyfriend of course. And I was happy before I started middle school, before people started asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then telling me I can be anything I want if I try hard enough and get good grades in school. After that happiness just kinda avoided me… I only found happened when I was trying to escape. Playing video games, listening to music, watching anime, reading, making long distance friends etc. Because I didn’t get good grades and my self-worth dropped because I wasn’t smart enough.

I’m sitting here googling “questions to ask yourself to get to know yourself better”. And all I can answer to most of these questions is “I don’t know.” I don’t know who I am. I don’t know my skills other than art, writing and computer skills. I’m not even confident with my art and writing skills. I know I would be more confident in IT but I’m not sure if I even want this career. I don’t know how I’m going to survive in this society. I’m already in debt from student loans. My credit is fucked because of my aunt. I suck at selling my art. I don’t even know what my art style or writer’s voice is. I don’t know how I feel most of the time.This is something I have to work on like right now. I have to answer these questions. I have to find myself. It will take time. I will have to be patient with myself.