My voice seems to be lost these days.
It hasn’t been once but twice already that I’ve written something out anger or despair only to stop myself midway. Why have I stopped? Because it isn’t fair for me to spread these feelings. Everyone around me is experiencing their own hardships and I don’t want to become a burden. Instead I’ve been hanging onto my words and they’re being stored in my own private journal. Will they ever see the light of day? Who knows.
Bottling up my feelings has had a negative effect on my relationships. I’d like to pretend that I’m great at concealing my feelings but I’m actually really sensitive so it’s hard. I’ve been told that I’m acting ‘moody’ ....I fucking hate that. Sometimes I get a little dramatic when I’m being called out for my behavior. I start thumping around like an angry bunny. I suck at apologizing because I’m stubborn. It can be frustrating, even for me but it eventually sorts itself out. I have been lashing out since I’m not able to fully express myself. So far the solution is to immerse myself in the things I enjoy and to express myself in other art forms. Maybe that’s the reason why I’ve circled back to photography.
I got a few great shots from today’s shoot. I don’t know how it is for everyone else but I never know how long my photo sessions will be. Sometimes they’ll last hours and other times they’re over in an instant. It all depends on my mood. If I feel like I’m done then I won’t push it and I’ll immediately pack things up. It’s very similar to how it is when I’m working on set with @kommienezuspadt. You’re only able to get the best poses from your model when they’re focused and immersed in the work. Location, styling and makeup doesn’t really matter when you’re not able to convey the right feeling. My best advice is to work swiftly to keep the momentum high.
These are the types of photos I enjoyed taking as reference material for future drawings. I like how the shadow in the image appears to be leaving or suddenly embracing me.
That feeling of wanting to scream, but one does not! Many times one is very closed by putting all of that in a locked box that you do not want to open, maybe because you do not want to or because maybe you think they will not understand you.
the changes of emotions are very frequent, maybe we do not feel well with ourselves some insecurities and that's why we do not want to talk.
Ralmene you look very beautiful in the photo! It's something that I loved, the shadow behind you looks like you're an angel.
that's very useful to use the photo for your references of drawings, that works pretty well. <3
Usually I’m able to channel my energy into something positive but on rare occasions my usual patience is gone and I need a break to hold onto the darkness within.
Thanks your words and for loving the photo! That makes me really happy. :)
That is very good! I'm glad you can channel everything!
It would be impossible that I did not like that picture!
I feel that bottled up - ness as well. I often would like to purge it all out, like I used to.
Unfortunately, because I am more known it just results in more of a perceived pity fest, where people are concerned for me, instead of me just purging the emotions and I can move on from them.
It is good to have people that are close, it's true.
BUT
Having people analyze an emotional purge can be quite annoying as people that care about you will take it personally that you are unhappy. (and sometimes you know... maybe they should feel shitty for hurting you.)
So instead of feeling happy you let it all out - you feel guilt in it's place. I think this scenario fucking sucks.
My emotions are in a box, constructed to shield people from their emotions about my emotions.
Basically- the truth should not be known.
Basically- my true emotions don't matter because of other people's emotions.
I have to put on a mask and eat the pain. It feels great... My cheeks hurt from all these fake smiles. Eat shit and grin - is the jist of what I feel from this, I guess. The thing is... nobody can keep shit down for very long. It always comes back up, if we don't deal with it. It's why we go through dark nights of the soul. It all gets purged whether we like it or not. We can choose to purge healthily or let the emotions fester inside us until the boil pops on it's own.
Fewww that was a good purge comment - thank you. I feel lighter already.
I felt lighter reading this purge comment!
I hope you feel better.
I actually find it helpful to write down the negative things or my bad mood and then NOT share it as it sort of let's me vent, get it out, but not dwell on it and put it out there for others to feel mixed into it. It's probably not a popular theory but for me I find it's best to look at evaluate the negative and then try to move it aside and find the positive. It doesn't always work but it helps often as it gives you perspective to the moment and the feelings.
Really lovely photographs and a much better way to deal with the blues: Put it into your artwork as you are here with your photos.
I did feel better...maybe, two days after I wrote this and my private words down. You and I are so similar because after I write down my venting words I spend a great deal of time analyzing them until I’m able to let it go. It brings me a sense of peace knowing that I was able to overcome my troubles on my own.
What this picture looks like to me is like the shadow is either wings coming out of your back, or something dark inside you releasing, maybe the negative emotions you've been having. A gorgeous and powerful picture, regardless of the interpretation.
Thanks Eve. You were actually pretty spot on with the interpretation.
That's a beautiful picture, it does reflects the emotion of your post. It's funny (and sad) that you say you stop yourself from writing emotionally because you don't want to spread those feelings. I get your point. But also, writing is a great way to let it all out when you can't say the stuff you want to the person you need. Maybe I am biased. I tend to write way more when I'm not in my best moods because I take what I feel and transform it. All the shizz I write is probably way too emotional and I've had too accept overtime that that's just who I am. I don't want to spread it, I want to transform it into something beautiful that helps me express myself.
Also, that's the kind of photos I also like to use for drawings because of the shadows. Beautiful work, as usual.
Thank you. I was really happy to see that this idea I had photographed beautifully.
I don’t exactly stop writing. I simply stop writing for the eyes of others. To me, certain thoughts become more precious to me when they are mine alone. Like a secret moment that you share with a lover. I treat melancholy in the same fashion.
I understand, I like the idea. There are some things that, indeed, are for ourselves alone. I guess that I have some of that too, when everything I write is too raw, I'm the only one that understands what's going on.
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Bottling emotions, best way to destroy yourself at first place...Been there, done that, and learned ..It took years of self understanding to stop doing that..Easier to say than to do, but somehow you can get there if you start nursing yourself ..it's not selfishness, it's just understanding yourself, and excepting..than you start to speak and show when something is wrong..
Oooo ,I sound like 100 years old person hahaha :(
100 years old!? Not at all!
I know that bottling up emotions are bad for your mental health but for me. Sometimes I need a few days to think things through and clearly. Younger me would instantly purge all thoughts out for everyone to hear but I’ve learned my lesson from those days.
OH MY. I had to comment. oh my.
Gee thanks. My reply. Thanks.
To be true...most of us go through a time when we finally feel the urge to understand our roles in this continuity...It sure does make you go through a hard time....but one thing I've learnt from all these is that there lies a certain beauty in resiliency...We're not really supposed to just discover that in an instance....but when you'll finally reach that moment, then you'll realize that the little cherished memories that still makes you smile inside owes it's birth to these moments of agony....& thank u for sharing your emotions with us...It's a small world...just appreciate the love inside you.....hope it helps...
Thank you for your enlightening words. They did help. :)