Here today is my first real on-line post in what feels to be three, possibly four years...
Theres nothing particularly fascinating about it.... or life changing...just a small attempt at making a new years resolution perhaps. So over the passed few weeks I've attempted to keep writing a few entries tracking my day to day activities in the middle of nowhere.
60km outside Durban, South Africa... I send you notes from "out in the sticks" in the middle of a beautiful rural zulu community named Eskelikethlenhi, Inchanga, Ximba, Outer West Durban, South Africa. Sheesh thats a mouth full....
Without further ado, my life entries to you from RSA :-)
The Roller....
This is a document relating to the life and times of Wayne Moses, going by the alias of Whet Maverick.
A 36 year old “cape coloured” skater from South Africa, Cape Town... Cape Flats.
Having a somewhat sheltered/ privileged existence... born in the years of apartheid, having my family torn apart by the state/ government and in later years by myself. Have I unwittingly become a product of my environment?
These are my journal entries.... which will include whatsapp, email, social media (Later) communication... also random research which I pursued out of curiosity & the need to find solutions. Either way, I left everything behind to seek the truth of all which plagues my being. ...From the near religious choice of monetary slavery to the pschycological tyranny of peoples drama, ego, vanity and so forth. In a sense to vent, rant, reason with myself so I may gain some insight of my experiences or overcome the stupidity of others. (in the wise words of Bob Marley, time will tell)
Where to start, I gues there’s no better time that the present... and I’ll work back from there...partly because certain issues are currently more pressing than others. And also due to my memory fading, whether from age, smoking weed, hitting my head against the road one to many times while skating or because the pain the circumstances/ experiences have caused me....the truth of my memory however is not from the above mentioned. It stems from my relentless pursuit/ search for love. Or at least that’s what I told myself at the age of 27.
Having many suitors, too many I’d say... although I’m not much to look at, I am my fathers son. Filled with charisma, charm and what a few of my ex-bosses call the gift of the gab. I have the ability to talk my way into and out of almost any situation I choose to be a part of, or influence. Getting back to the point though. I’m one of those people who have pursued love relentlessly, giving all I have, all I am in hope that my partner would do the same for me. Alas, life does not work like that, niether does love. My expectations of others was always high, sometimes too high. Doing things for them as I would for myself, holding high expectations of myself knowing that I will keep to them and not realising that those I love or loved would not see or hold to those same expectations.
The longest any of my relationships lasted was 3...maybe 4 years... three years, with my last serious partner, who I broke up with because she lied to me. And the one of 4 years because she was so straight forward, she broke up to me, giving me the ultimatum that she can either be honest, or truthful, but not both.... she was pretty smart, life smart and book smart.
Nonetheless it was due to a string of terrible choices of partners, or maybe a terribly poor judge of character that I ended up deciding to not hold onto the memories we shared...I actively chose to forget the beautiful moments we shared, because those moments were attached to agreements we made... They hurt so much that if I didn’t forget those moments, I would surely commit suicide. The depression was so painful, I could literally not speak for months on end. Only really being able to greet when greeted, say yes please, no thank you, ok, and goodbye.... purely out of respect or acknowledgment of the other persons presence.
So...today! Tooooo Dayyyy. I awoke late and chose to sleep in, fortunately because I only work three days a week, unfortunately because I spent all of yesterday walking from an area named botha’s hill to the place where I currently stay. Roughly I’d say felt like 50km of walking. Which is also kinda good because I’m currently having a step challenge with my cousin in Cape Town via an app called “S Health”....needless to say after yesterdays walk I’m way ahead in the challenge.
Day 2
13 January 2018
I called in sick today after being kept awake by mosquitoes, jippo guts (not a pretty sight, I was running to the long drop toilet all night and throwing up while walking to work this morning) Although my job is menial and insignificant, it’s kept me surviving for the past year after leaving the Indigo “Msomi” Skate Camp.
Anyway....while walking up to Monteseel which is a white suburb on a mountain above the village I stay in. I sent a text message to the managers who I thought was on duty at the restaurant I wait at....only to find out that neither of them were working today.
Day 3
14 January 2018
I keep thinking back to all those times when I was Daddy’s boy...Running with him to the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints (Mormon church) of dominantly white American missionaries.... and conservatively naughty Mormon teens and their either crazy rich prescriotion pill popping parents. Constantly to drilled about keeping a journal/ diary. Kinda writing to your future self. Basically valuing the existence of the self in your own family bible...(family tree. With pretty heavy masonry stone building temple standards.
How that was all so easy to deal with and be part of, before puberty hit... Holy shit I became a proper social recluse with a vengeful disdain for authority, no matter who it came from.
Work wise... it was crap. I didn’t go to work on Wednesday earlier this week because Jason’s messed up behavior and attitude has really disrupted my chi. I spent all of the previous night cramped up in bed with mosquitoes constantly buzzing into me all night. Having to pull the blanket overhead but those mozzies (mosquitoes) proper piss you off here....constantly buzzing into the blanket around your head. ....the next morning I was literally coughing and hurling my guts out while walking up the mountain. He honestly had tooo much negativity.
I think I should try to design a bending wire overhead bed net frame that can hover over the body. And a net tarp with light curtain material....cool outdoor camping idea mission... I should share that with Lunga.
I’m actually writing this a day late... because I would like to nurture some form of record keeping....but I feel so busy constantly. I do not make time for myself at all. Yip I’m an idiot. Intentionally sleeping late and letting my day lag away... not out of laziness at all.... just overall exhaustion.
Oh today I managed to get a new plastic tap and fit it to Nonthanthla’s sisters house.... and they are able to use their water supply....which happens to be free, and constant. Nice way to keep the locals docile and chilled out by giving free water and electricity.
But terrible water management... I need to do something about that too. So I fitted a hosepipe too and secured them both with hose clamps.
Random question... why do I intentionally loose myself in the service of others while not advancing efficiently enough.
Third world countries suck at data usage.... and since they so used the the countries shocking history... we/ they are all cool with it. Some peeps making serious cash for nothing. While majority of the country is still under a sort of “corporate responsibility post colonial behavior reflected, amplified in every facet of our lives.
Man, Cape Courleds had some fucked up scenarios (hahahaha, I still suck at typing and spelling)
I’m out for now, this will Just have to suffice at making up for some part of today as well....So I don’t want to submit a piece for the 15th...todays late entry :-(
I used to type to my foreign white girlfriends ...it was fun... but I just don’t know how to return to some balanced for of that disciplined state but also with more sort of selfish constructive free time... like writing a damn sucky entry into a electronic word document. And liking and sharing the virtual reality until it entirely consumes our being... and it being all about us... the dramas, egos, persona's, attitudes, vanity, status, desire, material possession . . . All these negative things, How do we enjoy life when it feels so short, and different.
Both my mother and father past away more than a decade ago...in fact they’ve been dead for so long that I never actually commemorated their passing day... I remember the funerals... I remember how I felt... But I had no sense of the time I lost in grieving and grudging the loss of their lives and how they died.
I do miss them dearly though....even though the inside of me feels numbing state of pshco”sys”
Man I miss drawing yet I haven't painted or drawn anything in a creative manner. I should honestly make some time to do that too. How far lost should I be in the loss of my time whole in the service of others.... slave work hospitality service, tourism service...slave work hours in the production of these elaborate TV commercials of what we imagine our lives to be like.
I’m now earning minimum wage and I need to prove purpose in my life. But does it come to the loss of service to others...and loosing yourself in their processes really all that worth it in the bigger picture. The locals here are calm because the low general income status is better in the regard of humanitarian government policy giving free water and electricity to Traditional Tribal communities while creating a workable environment... BUT ONLY IF YOU WAKE UP EARLY AND GO TO BED AT 20h00.
So I’m out....man I miss my night time skate sessions.
Day 4
17 January 2018
I seem to be making a habit out of skipping a day with my journal writing... I don’t know if the act of writing would aid my being in any way....but I’ll continue trying to be consistent, whether in writing to myself, every second day or just writing in general.
Today I awoke late again.... I sure do appreciate being able to sleep in. But I spent yesterday feeling nauseous while visiting a friend who I felt was cross examining me on behalf of someone else about what I’m paying on rent here at Nonhanhala Mbanjwa’s place and Ganzeen Mariska Jaqui Dickson, a friend I was trying to help a few months ago (Jaqui has lost her mind, I’ll go into this a bit more later)... but this is just a feeling. She’s a cute girl who I wouldn’t mind dating/ being with. Yesterday however was the first time she offered me something to eat, and I’ve known her for about 6 months now. Also, the sandwich she gave me to eat, was so oily it made me nauseous. Later yesterday evening I threw up all of it. It’s the first time that I've vomited from eating greasy potato fries and processed polony on bread, hence my suspicion of her. Either way I have no hard proof, so I’ll have to give it some time to see her true intent.
In my constant contradictions which occurs through my life... my aimless existence to help others because I have no wish to help myself. I’ve spent all my energy, funds and time over the past 8 years now, helping everyone do what they wish to pursue. My realization that you truly can’t help other, you can only guide them. Kinda goes with the saying that you can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
I must now help myself!
Day 5
18 January 2018
It’s funny how I label my entries day 5....lol... and I keep skipping a day. Today I’m going to attempt to post these journal entries online. On a website named steemit however I’m also two minded about it as the site itself states that it’s like facebook on steroids. Allowing you to earn from your comments, input, photos posts etc.
This makes me a little worries because they would essentially be purchasing my content which would be voted up or down by the other site users or bots who happen to upvote or comment on my posts.
Would it maybe not be better to first post this to my wordpress blog and transfer/ cross-post it afterwards?
Today is another of my off days, I was supposed to go to get my wisdom tooth extracted today... that didn’t happen because I binge watched a anime series last night and completed the season when I awoke this morning.
Why is it that I feel more productive at night when I spend my day relaxing? Maybe it’s the silence.
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