I know a lot of my sadness and depression is due to the unprocessed grief in my heart since you passed. Your death was almost 3 years ago, quite sudden and due to the ridiculous "Covid Restrictions" in place at the time I did not get to say goodbye. Hell, there was no funeral only a burial at sea limited to 4 people (once again due to restrictions) on another coast on top of that.
When restrictions were lifted, you said you wanted to go visit my brother and his family in Miami. The travel bug had bit you and you were probably tired of being cooped up and me being on you all the time because I took extra precautions with you due to your COPD and heart conditions. It was time to go back to being "normal" in a still un-normal world. Have we ever gone back to being normal though? Hmmm....
You left early that day to catch your flight. I was in the shower and I heard you yell out that you were leaving and the door closed behind you. I tried to dry off and get dressed quickly to at least get to wave goodbye from the window but you were gone.
You arrived to your destination safely, you were having the time of your life walking to the beach daily, taking your grandkids fishing and you even got to celebrate your birthday there! You looked so happy! You even were excited to watch your grand babies while my brother and his wife attended a festival.
A couple of days later you called me saying you were not feeling well. That everyone was sick. I could tell in your voice you were not well. I asked you to please ask my brother to take you to the hospital, but I know you and I know you hate asking for favors. I told you to take please take it easy, you said you had got some cough medicine but now your leg was hurting too. I told you to rest.
I asked my brother to please take you to get tested for covid. He said lines were long and you didn't want to go. I was worried sick for you.
You finally texted me to tell me you were going to the hospital, the pain in your calf was getting worse and your COPD was acting up. My brother dropped you off and you forgot your phone charger. They wouldn't let him in so he gave a nurse your charger and she made sure you got it.
You left me a voicemail (I was working) that they found out what was wrong, you had a clot and it was in the early stages and they were treating you for it and you'd be home the next day. You even called my brother's wife and asked her to buy you some lottery scratchers. I talked to you that night but your sounded tired and excited at the same time. I told you to come home as soon as you felt better please.
That night you went into respiratory arrest. You were put on a ventilator and it was then your heart failed. They tried to resuscitate you but too much time had passed without proper oxygen and you were put on life support.
They only allowed my brother to see you. The Navy arranged for my little brother to be flown in from overseas via emergency Red Cross something or other. They would not let him in to see you but somehow he managed to go in. He put his phone on speaker even though phones were not allowed and I told you I loved you and to please not go. I don't remember much else other than a couple days later a scan and brain activity test was performed but you were unresponsive. You were transferred to hospice. I called and asked them if they could please play oldies for you. The kind nurse found a radio and did this for him. My brother made the decision of taking him off of life support. Then his burial at sea came. I really wanted to have his ashes sent to me, but I don't think any of us were right of mind during that time and for some reason or another my brother went through with the sea ceremony......
Before you left on your trip I found out my husband was cheating on me. I was crying in the kitchen washing dishes. You were never much of a hugger but you hugged me then. You promised me I would never feel alone or be alone because I've always would have you. After your death I felt so betrayed, I felt you had lied to me because I'm not close to other family and you were all I had and you promised me I'd never be alone and well, here I was. I know it's not your fault. It's life. C'est la vie right? (I'm still mad a little bit though haha)
So much has happened in my life since your passing. I know if you were here many of the decisions I was forced into making, many of the abrupt transitions of my life would not have happened. I miss you dearly, I don't think I ever will stop missing you Dad. You were the only one ever proud of me. You were the only family to offer me and my son a home when we needed it most. I couldn't have asked for a better father. I love you Viejo. Till we meet again.
Your Little Girl Always,
Tachi