Welcome!
Thanks for looking in today!
If you’re new here, the ideas I'll write each week build on all the weeks before, in important ways.
So today's words will be more helpful if you begin with my TryThis! Introduceyourself article,
then move to this week's session, until you reach today’s. They are numbered!
But here’s two sentences that I hope describe all my ‘Try This!’ sessions:
What if each day, you reflected on your relationship, then intentionally did something simple with your partner to keep your relationship fresh, and positive? If you read your relationship well and chose to do this, then you'd stay the most exciting person your partner could ever find! And eventually, your partner probably would learn to ‘do likewise!’
Today’s Session: On Weeds & Seeds
Every relationship has weeds and seeds. Yes, I said ‘Every’ relationship, with a capital ‘E!'
Weeds are the little irritations you both can't avoid- the wet towels left on the shower hook by your partner, the snores and kicks in bed, the complaints you hear too often, the silences that keep you guessing.
Like weeds, unless something is done, over time these small, tolerated things can crowd out and strangle all the good things you've shared before, and gradually become all you and your partner see.
Seeds are the things you each create and do to add new, positive experiences to the time you spend together.
Each seed is a small, ‘re-connection’ to your partner in an unexpected, hopefully pleasing way.
Seeds are not the expected, required things you do for your partner.
Seeds are fresh and different than status quo, and get noticed!
Each time to plant a seed, your partner notices your ’touch,' and reacts one way or another.
Afterwards, you can reflect on what happened, and you’ll have more to go on to help you understand your relationship.
Then, when you’re ready, you’ll be better able to choose your next seed!
Some seeds you'll plant may never flower, but others may quickly lead to much better things!
The point is, if you decide to plant a new seed often, perhaps each day, over time they'll add up and help keep your relationship growing.
And that's the secret of keeping the weeds we can’t avoid at bay!
Why Is Making Our Relationship Better My Job,
and Not My Partner’s, Too?
OK, great question!
First, I respect your right to choose your own path, including your relationships.
What happens there is your business, and your partner’s.
What you both do and don’t do there made your relationship happen,
and will make your futures happen, together or apart.
When people come to me and say, ‘I’ll pay you to help me make my relationship better,’
they want insight and new tools to create positive change ‘at home.’
If I have both partners together, both eager and willing to try new ideas, it’s the ideal.
But you and I know the ideal rarely happens.
Usually, I have one half of the relationship to work with.
One person wanting something better for themselves and their partner, somehow.
That’s my assumption here;
that you, but not your partner will work with me to create something better between you.
I know it's not fair.
So my 'Try It!’ ideas aren’t ‘ought to’s’ you have to do,
as if it is your responsibility alone to ‘save’ your relationship.
What's truly ‘fair’ would be for you to wait for your partner to get with it,
and do their equal part to help you make things better.
After all, most relationships evolve and gradually change, anyway.
You can hope that, maybe things will get better, naturally?
To wait, or not to wait, that is the question!
Can only one half of any relationship create positive change in their relationship?
Yes!
Are you willing to try, on you own, at this point in your relationship? It’s completely up to you!
If your answer is ‘Yes,’ I’ll be here to help!
A Moment for Jargon, and Blah, Blah, Blah’s
For ‘those in the know,’ I’ll be using a ‘Systems’ approach to relationships,
looking most at the ‘dynamics’ and ‘equilibrium’ between partners.
Teaching those perspectives to readers,
and helping them apply them daily to understand and improve their closest relationships,
is the best ‘therapy' I have to offer.
Because so often, it works!
OK, Let's Get Started!
Today's 'Do This' (Seed) to try out in your relationship:
Write a note to your partner, and leave it where she/he will find it before you meet again.
A text to them while you're apart will work, too (be careful not to send it to the wrong address). ☺
If they reply, wait a bit before answering... let their imagination simmer!
Then play it cool, don't explain yourself at all, act surprised if they insist,
only promise to talk about it when you're back together again.
Don't say too much in your note, only something like this:
I was just thinking of you -
Remembering you,
Imagining you,
Wanting you,
Waiting for you.
Come home to me, soon, OK?
Whatever their reaction turns out be,
you will have re-connected to your partner the second they read it,
by taking this positive, unrequested and voluntary action.
You'll have their complete attention at that moment.
Even if they don't ever respond or acknowledge what you've done,
at least your partner will know beyond doubt that you do want more with them,
that they still matter a lot to you.
And because they can’t forget that, your seed will nudge your relationship
into its new balance & resting place, for a little while.
To follow up when you're back together,
ask your partner whether they got your note (they may bring it up, first).
Whatever they say, don't 'chase them' by explaining yourself, as if asking for their approval.
Keep it very light.
'OK, I was just feeling that way' with a quiet smile is more than enough.
Today's 'See This' About Your Relationship
It's important that you wait for your partner to make the next immediate move, after you've planted any seed to 'reconnect.' When you see what they do or don't do on their own, without you doing something additional to shape their response, you'll have an authentic, current fact to work with. The card they’ll play will be important!
In future sessions, you'll learn how to weigh the meaning of their response, and decide what to do next with the fresh info you've discovered!
Let me compare this to 'going fishing.' The kind of fishing I need you to picture here is 'bobber fishing,' where you drop in your baited line and simply wait. Seeing what the bobber does tells you the difference between a nibble and a strike! If nothing happens, you may need to change your bait!
But if instead of waiting for a response, you are impatient, and keep moving the bobber yourself with your pole, you won’t be able to 'see' that important information!
In future sessions, we’ll list a number of possible responses from your partner, and what they probably mean.
So, You've Got It, Right? So ‘Try It’, see what happens, and then do the following to get ready for next week’s article!
Here's some homework. It will really help you 'get' our next session!
Get an unbroken rubber band and hook it over one finger in each hand. Straighten your arms out in front of you, pull the rubber band tight, really stretch and hold it! See how much energy it takes to keep your hands apart?
Now slowly relax both your hands & arms to let the tight rubber band pull both your hands closer together. See how much less energy it takes when the distance between your hands equals the relaxed length of your relaxed rubber band?
OK, just one more step. Now pull your hands apart and stretch your rubber band again. Hold it! But this time, keep one arm and hand rigid and gradually relax your other arm and hand.
What happens? The relaxing side should move in towards the 'frozen' side without any effort, until the tension on your rubber band is gone!
Mystified? Good!
I hope you drop in next week for Session #2.
I'll explain how your rubber band can help you understand your relationship, we'll discuss how your partner responded to your note, and we'll take a 'next step' together.
Until then, I wish you Good Luck, and Happy Loving!
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