Welcome! Thanks for looking in today!
If you’re back again and caught up on my TryThis! Articles, please skip this…
Intro
If you’re new here, the sessions l write each week build on all the weeks before, in important ways. So today's session will be more helpful if you begin with my Introduceyourself article, then move through each week's session, until you reach today’s. They are numbered!
But here’s the idea that I hope describes all our ‘Try This!’ sessions:
‘What if each day, you reflected on your relationship, then intentionally did something simple with your partner to keep your relationship fresh, and positive? If you read your relationship well and chose to do this, then you'd stay the most exciting person your partner could ever find! And eventually, your partner probably would learn to ‘do likewise!’
Today’s Session: The Rubber Band Principle, and How To Make It Work for You!
Let’s review last week’s ‘homework.’
I asked you to:
Get an unbroken rubber band and hook it over one finger in each hand. Straighten your arms out in front of you, pull the rubber band tight, really stretch and hold it! See how much energy it takes to keep your hands apart?
Now slowly relax both your hands & arms to let the tight rubber band pull both your hands closer together. See how much less energy it takes when the distance between your hands equals the relaxed length of your relaxed rubber band?
OK, just one more step. Now pull your hands apart and stretch your rubber band again. Hold it! But this time, keep one arm and hand rigid and gradually relax your other arm and hand.
What happens? The relaxing side should move in towards the 'frozen' side without any effort, until the tension on your rubber band is gone!
Today’s ‘See This!’: There’s an Invisible Rubber Band Between You & Your Partner!
As a Counselor watching Relationships over the years, it’s become clear that,
You and your partner might as well be connected by an invisible Rubber Band.
So is everyone else, connected by their own ‘Rubber Band’ with their partner.
It has always been this way between Partners.
Every ‘connection’ between people is elastic, like a ‘Rubber Band.’
When Your Relationship began, the Rubber Band just ‘happened.’
Once created, it’s always there.
And married or not, it usually survives until ‘to death do we part!’
Like the Rubber Band between your hands, your invisible Rubber Band works to pull you and your partner back together,
whenever the actions or inactions of one of you stretch the Rubber Band out too tightly.
Another way to say it is, when things feel perfect ‘between you,’
there is a comfortable distance between you and your partner,
created by your history together, you trust, and familiar routines.
But when one of you does something that brings you uncomfortably close for too long, your partner will pull back to re-establish that comfortable distance.
And vice versa.
On the other hand, when one of you does something that separates you further than usual for too long,
either you or your partner will do something in an attempt to re-establish that comfortable distance between you.
Usually the ‘left behind’ partner will pursue.
But sometimes if they don’t, the ‘distancing partner’ will return, usually because the ‘left behind’ partner doesn’t pursue and the tension in the Rubber Band pulls them back.
And so, because of the way this dynamic happens in every Relationship,
so consistently and unconsciously,
You definitely need to see the Rubber Band Principle happening, understand it, trust it, and make it work for you and your partner…
Because like every other couple that ever existed,
The Truth is,
the two of you might as well be connected by an invisible Rubber Band!
What About Last Week’s ‘Do This?’
OK, so let’s use your own ‘Seed-planting’ experience to illustrate the Rubber Band Principle at work in your Relationship.
The Note I asked you to write last week and deliver to your Partner was a ‘Seed,’
something you did that brought your Partner’s attention back to you, even if just for a moment.
As a ‘Seed,’ it was something unusual, positive, unrequired, unexpected and unexplained.
Like many (but not all) ‘Seeds,’ the net impact of your words was to invite your Partner to come closer (“come home”) to you.
In Rubber Band terms, that ‘Seed’ invited your distant Partner to respond in a way that would ‘relax’ your Relationship’s Rubber Band for a while.
And also in Rubber Band terms, as you sent your invitation,
I asked you to remain still temporarily on your relationships's Rubber Band,
to not chase your partner with prompts, questions or explanations,
but to simply wait to see their responding, authentic ‘movement,’
whether it was either closer to you or further away on your Relationship’s Rubber Band.
Think a moment;
By not explaining or justifying your Note to your partner, you acted exactly like your rigid hand and arm in Session #1's ‘Homework,’
knowing and trusting that, because that real Rubber Band stretched between your hands was unbroken,
eventually it either would pull your hands back together,
or add to the tension on your Rubber Band as the energy-draining distance continued!
When you sent your Note in Session #1, I directed you to ‘wait your partner out’ because I believed you could afford to wait rather than ‘force things.’
I didn’t need to know you and your partner at all.
But I did understand and trust in the power of your Relationship’s Rubber Band!
Learning to see your Rubber Band work in your relationship isn’t hard.
But the variations are constant and many, because each Partner unconsciously stretches or relaxes their Rubber Band each time they make any ‘movement’ closer or further away from their partner.
The tension on the Rubber Band is always increasing or decreasing as the distance between Partners increases or decreases.
That’s normal, it has to be…
Because there’s no such thing as a ‘Frozen’ Rubber Band.
But What Did My Partner’s Response Mean?
Whatever they did or didn’t do while you waited, now I want you to label their response one way or the other.
Think beyond what they actually said or did.
Think whether their response either moved them closer to you emotionally or physically, or further away.
Closer or further, which was it?
Your feelings about their response probably will say which one.
Now's the time to Trust your feelings!
Let’s label some possibilities together.
Suppose your partner called/texted back and mentioned your note, or brought it up when they came home.
Well, then you knew that they got your message, that planting your ‘Seed’ re-connected you to them for the moment, at the very least.
If their words were positive, then they moved Closer emotionally to you.
If their words masked their true response (with a quip or joke), then their movement was delayed while they decided what to do. You probably felt uncomfortable, because the the tension on your Rubber Band continued.
If their words were negative, then they ‘chose’ to maintain their
distance, or even increase it Further. That probably felt bad, as the tension increased.
Suppose your partner responded more positively and actively when you were together again, with a hug, a gift, a ‘date’ or even, something more romantic. How did that feel? Where would you say they’d moved temporarily on your relationship’s Rubber Band?
On the other hand, suppose your partner rebuffed you, or ignored your note completely, that when you eventually asked whether they saw it, they said they had, and by the way, they were too busy to respond? Where would you say they’d moved on your relationship’s Rubber Band? What did your feelings prompt you to do?
Do You Need An Encouraging Word, About Now?
I don’t know you or your partner, your personalities or history together.
So it’s very possible your Note from Session #1 didn’t ‘pay off’ in a way you may have hoped for.
If it didn’t, don’t give up.
Let’s go ahead and plant a different kind of ‘Seed’ this week, and see what your partner’s response can tell us about your relationship.
This Week’s ‘Do This!’ : ‘The Suitcase!’
While your partner’s away, get your largest, most recently used suitcase or backpack out… make sure it’s yours, and not your partners!
Open it and put it right in the middle of the first room they’ll re-enter when they come home, perhaps in front of your TV where they’ll have to notice it.
Once again, don’t alter their natural response by influencing it with a prompt, comment or explanation.
Just let your partner's response happen!
If you feel uncomfortable planting this ‘Seed,’ your instincts are good!
This kind of ‘Seed’ is less obviously positive than your Session #1 note, isn’t it?
In fact, your unexpected suitcase is very ambiguous.
Your partner may assume you might be going somewhere without them (a distancing move made even more so because they weren’t informed).
Or your partner may think you’ll be traveling together (another invitation to move closer like your Note in Session #1, but perhaps too close, if it feels presumptuous to them).
‘Going somewhere?’ might be one response from your partner.
‘Where are we going?' said in an excited or challenging tone, would be another!
Whatever your partner says or does, I’d suggest you respond with a relaxed, reassuring smile.
Looking your partner in the eye, say something like, “You know, I’ve always wanted to go to (wherever you'd really like to go) with you. Maybe someday we will. At least my suitcase will be aired out and ready, if we ever do. ”
Then quietly close the suitcase and go put it away, right away, then come back to your partner without further comment.
We’ll talk about your partner’s response next week!
But in the meantime, reflect on their response to the suitcase, and try to see it in terms of your relationship’s Rubber Band.
Did their assumption about the suitcase increase the tension on your Rubber Band (they reacted as if the Suitcase was a distancing move on your part), or did they see your Suitcase as a positive move (an invitation to come closer together)?
And what about you?
Did your words explaining your viewpoint of the Suitcase work to relax any tension added to your Rubber Band?
Those words suggested that the suitcase represented something shared and positive (a future trip together).
On the other hand, leaving the room immediately with the suitcase quickly added a bit of safe distance between you and your partner as well, in case your partner felt too smothered and pressured by your move.
See how fast the tension can increase and relax on your Rubber Band? And you insightfully made it happen!
I hope you enjoy your week of noticing yours and your partner’s movement closer and further apart on your relationship’s Rubber Band!
It happens all day, every day, in every relationship…
Usually unawares, and randomly.
That’s what you’re learning to understand, and 'lasso,' like a cowboy captures a runaway calf!
Until next week, I wish you Good Luck, and Happy Loving!
Credits: All Images are copyrighted, and provided with permission from my personal, paid 123rf.com image account.
All text content is original, written by me and copyrighted by me, unless otherwise noted.
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