Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash
I am living in Chiang Mai at the moment. I was out with a bunch of girlfriends, and they kept on teasing me, because a good-looking Brazilian man seemed to be interested in me. He was hot, that was a given. And he had a smile that could melt your toes off, if that happened anywhere besides romance novels.
I stood there, looking at him and thinking about him. I poked around in my heart, and in my nether regions to see if any of my body parts perked up at the sight of him.
Nada.
I mean, not even a little twitch.
What is going on with me? It has to be me that is the problem here, because the men here in Chiang Mai are smart, well-travelled, entrepreneurs, non-conformists, and mostly well-spoken. So what the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I feel anything?
Why am I sitting here wondering when I will be able to go back home, and spend time with my laptop and writing?
All I Want To Do Is Create
Nothing entices me anymore. Nothing, except the pure act of creation. I just want to sit all day in my pyjamas, and write words. Only the act of writing makes me come alive anymore.
In the past, I used to be a major nymphomaniac. I spent a lot of my energy, time, and money on chasing after men who weren't as interested in me, or were interested at first, but then lost interest once I became interested. The cycle of modern love, as it seems.
But, now that I have my creative endeavours to take my time, money, and energy, I just don't have anything left over to give to men. I don't have the time for them. Nor the space, mental, or physical. I also don't have the inclination to waste time on something that has only a 50/50 chance, when I could spend time at home creating something that would have a 100% chance of coming to fruition and giving me pleasure.
I Might Be The Uninteresting One
It might be me that's the problem or perhaps, I have had the misfortune to meet only terrible men. Men who are uninteresting, and uninterested in anything, except the physical act of sex.
Sex to me is so much more important and deeper than just the physical act of it. That is pleasurable to be sure, but there is so much more that can be and needs to be experienced for two people to come together in the most powerful of ways.
Most people don't want to see that, or are too lazy to see that, or don't want to be bothered with it.
If I am going to let a man into the sacred space that is me and my body, and spirit, then, there have to be rules laid down. There has to be a certain level of respect and knowledge there, that unfortunately most people (not just men) do not possess.
What do you think of sex and all of its intricacies? Do you think I'm crazy?
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I know you are in the flow because of your honesty! That's a great thing, the fearlessness that comes and confidence to be utterly transparent. May I submit this to you, that the flow is not merely a mode that turns on or off (although I understand how it feels that way). Rather it is like a river of life taking you somewhere to a destination. You are eating the fruits along the way and learning and growing rapidly! So much so, at times that the people around you don't understand :P It's like someone on the shore watching as someone else floats down a river... you can only connect briefly before the current/flow takes you around the next bend. The only way to have meaningful, lasting connections/relationships is for the two of you to BOTH be in the river/flow together. I believe you will find that person along your way! But whatever the case, never stop flowing~ :)
I liked the honesty of your post. There is probably nothing wrong with you. You are cerebral, in essence, and so, to turn you on, a guy is going to have to stimulate your brain, not your genitals. He is also going to have to stimulate your heart. Be choosy! It doesn't matter what somebody looks like. What matters is whether they can connect with your soul.
Thanks!! Your comment about intellectual stimulation being the way into my heart was spot-on. Sometimes, being smart has its disadvantages. Have a great day!
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There's nothing wrong with having standards when it comes to men. But I think your mistake with the guy in Chiang Mai was that you only considered whether he made you lust or pine after him. You might have missed the perfect opportunity to meet an interesting person or even make a new friend!
Sex is great, but it's not necessarily something people should chase just for the sake of it. What most people are seeking is connection.
I agree! Absolutely. I'm not just looking for sex, but, I have lots of friends already. I really do. Lots of people that I love and admire and want to hang out with. I want a deeper connection. With a man that I care about. That's what's missing. Thanks for your comment, though. I appreciated it!
I totally understand that desire for a deeper connection. Do you believe that a romantic relationship can develop over time out of a platonic friendship?
Yes, I do. But I find that most people are just not interested in taking the time to see it develop. There is impatience on both sides, I'm afraid.