So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life – “Goodbye Alice In Wonderland”, Jewel
#Approval #Attention #Appease #Alike #Advice #Acceptance
I want you, specifically you, to approve my self-worth. Do you think I am fun, awesome, smart, beautiful and sexy?
Give me attention, so I feel safe. Appease me and tickle my ego. Discover how much we are alike!
What a relief that we like the same things! No danger on the horizon.
Tell me what to do because I am fragile.
Mistakes provoke such shame that brings me to my knees. And accept me! While in my head, the essence of me starts every day in the negative territory on the measuring stick. I scheme and plan, work so hard, and do ALL THESE stuffs to win you over, so you can view me positively. Forgive me for my manipulation.
This is my 6As play. It takes me on a merry-go-around of emotions:
Happiness. “I want to believe. God, we are so alike!”
Elation (when I’m praised and admired.)
I am eager to work for more attention and admiration.
Suspicious that my charm no longer works on you. I am anxious and depressed.
“I am not getting what I want.” I am angry and full of rage. Tears coming down my face, “I can’t believe this!” “Who the f**k do you think you are?” You can’t hurt me! So here goes contempt.
I am heartbroken. I just can’t do this anymore.
Exhausted, I hear the silence after a big cry while feeling quite peaceful.
“Hmm. I feel like myself again. Maybe the devil has left?”
One can wear this 6-A play like a reversible jacket. When you flip it over. It works like this:
I need to approve of what you do or plan to do. You must notify me, better with news I like. If it’s not good news, you’d better explain in a way that still makes me feel important, loved, and respected.
I need you to appease me and want to make me happy. This is how I gauge if you like and love me. I like to see you elated! So I can finally live the moment and say “I have finally arrived! The movie moment is finally happening to me!”
Let’s do more of everything that feels good. If one feels good, a thousand will feel super awesome!
I want to see you acting eager. This is the indicator for where I stand in your heart. And it seems as you longer love me..
I want to make you angry to regain my power. “You don’t always get to be the person who provokes!” I WANT YOU TO FEEL JUST AS BAD! I want you to feel my pain when I am in tears and rage.
o.k. so you hate me? Oh well. I would take being hated over being neglected any day!
Now you are tired?! Hey! Relationships take work, you know?
Great. You are getting this. Now, let’s enjoy some lovey-dovey time. Only, before the next storm!
So it goes on like a never-ending polka.
Without this, what would I be instead? A void? A bore? Or maybe just uninteresting and unimportant existence to you? This is my deepest fear.
THIS IS NOT ME, but the ghosts of my past. # 
I gave thanks to the ghosts of my past. “Thank you for watching out for me. I have got this from here,” I said.
Today’s Affirmation: I am not my fear, my anxiety, my insecurity, and even my desperation – I am all the possibilities my desires call for. I care and love myself, and treat myself like the most important, fun, smart, awesome, beautiful, sexy woman I know.