Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, but I do not cling. ― Anthony de Mello
The illusion of romantic love has taken over the society. You have been conditioned to believe that the ones who have found it are the only ones who are fulfilled in life. It is quite understandable though, I myself grew up with the cheesiest afternoon soap operas, Hollywood movies, and Disney fairytales. The happily-ever-after stories, self-help workshops, fancy marriage councilors all reinforce this idea that romantic love is the most important pursuit in life and is the ideal form of love.
The western lifestyle that lives up to this idea of romantic love only cause more divorce and depression in the society. The harsh truth is, the rich are just capitalizing on this false idea of love even more. Because there is profit to be made if you don't achieve that kind of romantic love. When these billion dollar industries cause more emptiness, people would pay more fancy doctors, buy more stuff, eat more unhealthy food and all these desperate attempts to take the easy fix. And there would be few greedy people trying to delude you with all these silly mental or personality disorders in order to make more money off you.
If you take a look at eastern philosophy, it teaches you that happiness does not depend on romantic love. Because that is not what real love is all about. It is more about freedom. But I don't mean you to just have sex with hippies until you get std, and no, not that kind of freedom. It is more about the merging of freedom. It is more about understanding each other - no demands and expectations. It is more about combing two whole and happy individuals.
It is nice to share happiness and to experience the exhilarating feeling of that 'in-love' stage, but you know that it will soon fade, everything is ephemeral. The hard part will soon come out in every relationship - that seeing through each other part. This is the time when you demand your other half to behave according to this illusion in which you have been conditioned all your life. If you want to experience real love, you have to drop this illusion. You have to unlearn what you have been taught. It is not easy but that is the only way to set yourself free. There is no shortcut- pay someone else to cure your own unhappiness or worse - suicide. You have to understand that the unlearning and learning would have to be done by you and you alone. You just have to accept that it is not easy.
All those movies telling you that if you are single still then there's something wrong with you. All that love songs telling you that you must be sad because you are alone. You got to find that prince charming or princess to complete you soon. Follow the predestined pattern - finish school - get a career - make a lot of money - find your soulmate - marry - divorce - find someone else and all that American dream. And that you will never be happy until you find someone to complete you. And all that one-night stands, drugs, alcohol and partying would only leave you feeling empty. People have always been desperately looking for the easy way, shortcut, and all that temporary fill. One has to have the indestructible vagina to face these feelings and recognize that happiness is already there - waiting to be awakened. It is not what your parents, friends, and lover could give you. Love and happiness will come to your life when you drop this illusion.
And of course, it is not as easy as it sounds. I was in a 5-year relationship and this was before I traveled. I thought it was the dead end of my life and I found myself just feeling more unhappy and empty. Until I learned that in order to love someone, I have to first love myself. I have to first recognize that happiness is just within me. It does not mean I have to be hunky-dory or feel excited all the time. It is more about being aware of my feelings - anger, hatred, sadness, anxiety. Then NOT remaining in that state. No matter what I am feeling at the moment, I know for sure that I am already a happy and complete person. It is all about watching myself in the mirror - like ok I have been angry or sad for too long now. It is time to stop. It is all about awareness.
You need to let go of this false belief that you are not complete and that you need someone or something to fill your sense of existential emptiness. Unless you recognize this, you will only find yourself jumping from one relationship to another, feeling not good enough for your partner. You will only demand your partner to fulfill your needs and fit into your ideal.
You don't have to give up anything or lose yourself for your soulmate. This is why I'd rather be alone for a long time than to be with someone who would not love me for who I am. It is the same way for the man - I would love to love him freely. Embrace his freedom so that he can totally be himself with me. There is no need to change each other because that is not what love is all about. Love is not based on lies and all that romantic love pretense.
I am not chasing this romantic idea of Hollywood movies because I know for sure that it is just an illusion. Capitalists make money off addicting love. Depression and emptiness are addicting. The lack of love is a serious business out there and capitalism does not really give a fuck about love. If you don't recognize this early on, then you are only making others richer and you are just perpetuating the sick system and disillusionment in this society even more. It is reaching other parts of the world and infecting the already happy communities - don't let that happen.
You don't need more stuff and romantic movies. You don't need to brainwash your kids with these fairytales. They need to know the truth if you want to save them from depression and grand disillusionment. There is no ideal lover anywhere you go in this world, seeking that person will only mess up your heart. Love is about understanding. You have to meet someone who is more than willing to love and accept you for who you are. But it does not mean that you have to accept someone who is abusive. And it also does not mean you need make this unrealistic demands from your partner. You want to make sure that you are happy with or without each other. The other is just an icing on a cake.
Letting go of those who wronged you - parents, past lovers, friends would set you free. People are not here to make you happy, I'm sorry but you just have to let that shit go. You owe happiness to yourself and living well is the best revenge. Make yourself happy first before welcoming another person into your life. Learn how to see through each other and only through that way you will experience real love. There is no perfect relationship - it does not exist. Everyone has flaws and you need to stop projecting that romantic fairytale on your partner. A relationship is not perfect but it is amazingly beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than sharing the good moments in your short life here on earth. Only by accepting what you have and not worrying about what you don't have is what will make you truly experience real love.
Self-love is not a blessing of the gods, nor is it something that others can achieve for you, and not a stroke of luck you can win. It is a self-will and a unique discovery of the unknown mysteries in your self, recognizing it and then building a love relationship with it, Because others and their love are the reality that shows you how much you love yourself
Nick will know it when you start it.
In simple words, self-love is love that is directed towards various aspects of ourselves: all our thoughts, emotions, feelings, behaviors, physical body, images, etc. Is not this passion what we can call love, but unconditional love? Self-love is acceptance, appreciation, self-esteem, self-confidence and satisfaction.
Individuals who do not like themselves often spend their lives doing things they feel they should not do. How can someone else love us and we do not even love ourselves, and how can we give what we do not have? When many people stumble in trying to improve their quality of life, I feel that they do not have enough self-love, respect and trust in their value in creating a successful life. Self-respect, respect and acceptance are the highest value and foundation or cornerstone in creating a great life for yourself and your loved ones. The outer world mirrors the background of your inner reality, and if you do not like yourself at the core, you will not be loved and can count on you in the outside world. The essence of self-love and respect is an incentive for you to live a life filled with emotions. Live your life better, know who you are, what you want, where you want and what your goals are, as well as using time wisely,
Beautiful message @klasanaj!
We can only be capable of loving others when we recognize first what self-love is.
Your writing style seems so 'stream of consciousness' like and yet, your message still comes across as compact and orderly. I'm really not sure how you pull this off.
Do you spend much time redrafting your posts, or do they simply just pour out this way? Either way, it's truly a gift!
I've noticed this about her posts as well, it seems very natural yet well presented, not very common in "stream of consciousness" type writing.
Exactly!
I just choose a topic every day, sometimes just random - based on my mood. I just recall the teachings I believe in and try to share what's true in my life.
Thank you.
I'm very grateful for this post. I find it to be extremely relevant to how I've been feeling lately. I keep having people come around that seem to want to use my body for their own pleasures. Most times I say no, boundaries are in place. Other times I'm not so smart. But hey, at least I can see what has happened, and that it's not what I want at all. I am learning to be content on my own. Sometimes I truly think I am the only one for me. I am my most beloved lover. I don't need that sh**!
Thank you. I'm glad that this post might be of little help to you...
It is nice to be just grateful for what we have.
It truly is, there are so many blessings to count every day <3
I never started to become happy until I realized this. Even having a boyfriend, putting the impossible pressure on someone else to make me happy only caused suffering all around.
True love is only available in movies these days. You are right. Before love some one you have to love yourself. If you don't give importance to yourself no one will give it to you. It's a simple rule. Nice sharing as usual
Thank you!
this is fantastic!
the great thing is to have a girlfriend/boyfriend who understand this
for long time i hated to be in a relationship because of the exhaustion it leaves me with, and after few tries i met this girl who could understand all of this, and it's the best thing ever
we don't want to change each other, no jealousy, no demands
we just share the good things together
i don't believe in romantic love or romanticism, it ruined the human relationships and made it something awful
This is great! I'm happy for you!
Nailed it!! And in understanding that what you see is what you get. Sorry ladies, we may be able to upgrade our clothes or hairstyle, but we men are who we are and you're not going to change that no matter how hard you try.
Ok, noted!
Maybe this posts finds you feeling better:) I looked at the pic and title and thought this was gonna be about the breakfast of neoliberal capitalist champions: hookers and blow! (Incidentally, I've never used either).
Okay, dying is easy; humor not so much...
I like that: the grand disillusionment...
It's a fair deconstruction of the most important aspect of human life. Perhaps another area which should not have been allowed to be accessed in the way the capitalists have. Perhaps I need 5-pillars where these folks shouldn't be allowed to go:)
But it's never not been messy: premodern cultures practiced arranged marriages and that didn't bode well for many either. And the Harems...Yikes!
Arranged marriage is the worst! Some men even hunt human heads and offer those as dowry, but I find that more romantic! 😈
Slow clap You've given us a wonderful analysis of how contemporary Western culture has festishized "romance," and some great advice for navigating that sphere of one's life without falling into the kind of delusional consumerist intimacy that Western culture promotes. Well done!
Awww thanks for dropping by @riotdog.
(romantic love only cause more divorce and depression in the society. The harsh truth is, the rich are just capitalizing on this false idea of love even more) i am 100% agree with your these lines.you describe a big philosphy of life in this post very beautifully
True. Thanks for reading!
Welcome
I like the way you write deep words touched my soul just wonderful