Emotional problems are the most difficult to deal with in all kinds of problems, because the most intimate relationship is often the most subtle, and this feeling often affects our judgement of each other.
When facing the other half of us, we often feel anger and grievance. We believe that partners should meet our psychological and emotional needs unconditionally. This is closely related to the unclear boundary in love. After a lot of observation, people may mistakenly think that there is no boundary in love, two people are a person.
In the process of our growth, the sense of boundary is a process of development and change. In addition to the growth of the body, we are more importantly nurtured and nurtured in the spirit, so as to ensure that our psychology is growing up gradually and the boundary is gradually clear.
Without a sense of borderline, there is no love. I can accept that a person is bad to me, but he can't accept a person's unconditional kindness to me. Keep the border, and wait for miracles.
Idealized love is not true love. Love starts with idealization of each other. This is a positive empathy. We will feel good about each other and will try our best to be nice to others. But how much can you accept the discoloration of your idealization, or accept that the other person is no longer the perfect lover in your ideal, that is the beginning of love. At this time there will be conflicts and contradictions, and how much a person can endure the anxiety to keep the boundary, not to do too much for others, is related to the improvement of the psychological structure of a person.
Without setbacks, there will be no suitable boundaries. Love will always be weak and lifeless. Collision, friction and struggle are just the test of love, the most profound experience of life, and the process of measuring the boundary of two people. It is a bitter pain in the interaction of love without boundary, because we do not need an unconditionally inclusive mother, but a desire to have a person who can live in moderation, achieve multiple identity changes, and allow himself to form a better self identity, which is conducive to the stability of the relationship. For a long time.
Most of the good people in love do a wrong thing to satisfy their desire to make their partner a more annoying person. It is as if a parent allows his children to have a lot of bad habits, the child grows into a person who is not loved, and the parents are beginning to complain about him, saying that he has failed to live up to his expectations. Children will not appreciate their parents at this time. They will only hate their parents' constant indulgence because of such a bad self. Therefore, the loss of the border means spoiling, but spoiling is not love, he will make the other's bad, not be liked, and will be more detrimental to the benign development of the relationship between the two.
After the establishment of a woman's self boundary, a man is no longer allowed to be ambiguous to herself, because her inner structure has changed. She has a place in which she has a sense of value. She begins to learn to respect herself and no longer allow men to hurt themselves at will. In fact, in a lot of times, we know what is going on in our heart. No matter how polite the other party is, we can see the inability of it, but we didn't have the courage to accept it.
So, we don't dare to spend time waiting, so we can't wait to let go of our own boundaries to prove that we are a very good person, and we can see more hope. In fact, it is the most dismissive person in the other's eyes. This is also known as the "bad good man". Richie Ren sang in a song: you should not only want to be a good person. Even if you really want to be nice to others, ask yourself if this is self satisfaction, or is it really for the other's needs?
If you are only self - satisfied, you need more in-depth psychoanalysis, what kind of experience or trauma, destroying the formation of the self boundary, and how to further improve your mental structure. If it's for the other person you need, think about it: will the other person feel better when you do it? Will the other person feel better for having such a lover and feeling about yourself? A man's life is looking for a spiritual boundary, a woman who holds the border to defend the nature of love, letting the border open is not to be loved. The beginning.
In your growth experience, if you are not treated by your parents as an independent person, your psychological boundaries will not be respected. In marriage, you don't respect each other's boundaries. And it's important that people who have poor boundaries have a bad problem when they get married, and they usually take a hallucination into marriage. In her subconscious mind, there is usually an illusion of the other half. She felt the other half should be like this. He knew me all the time and could give me an accurate consolation at any time. What I think of him is what he is. So in marriage, women are living with their illusions, rather than those around them.
And the bottom line of a woman's love is always here, by setting up a clear boundary through perfect self, without self pity, not overpaying, and not being hapless in a good person's card. This is the meaning of a woman who needs to grow up as a woman.