The day before I was booked in for induction at 40wks+2, we went to what I hoped to be my last midwife appointment. My lovely midwife Sarah said as she did my fundal height measurement 'she's a quiet little one this one'. I agreed. Because we waited and waited.
Leading up to Eve's birth, there were no signs that she was going to come anytime soon. Much opposite to Flynn's pregnancy when my water spontaneously broke at 38wks, 2 hours later I was in active labour and 5 hours later he was born. But with Eve, nothing! Just a few Braxton hicks here and there..
The impatient part of me went to bed every night since 39wks hoping tonight would be the night I would go into labour. And woke up to yet another day of heartburns, backpain, and being hormonal at Carlos for simply breathing in my presence..lol sorry babe.
Even so, my intuition knew that SHE was in fact waiting for me:
- To surrender to the uncertainty of not knowing,
- To release control and lean into Trust,
- To sit in the space where my deepest fears surfaced and to embrace every single one of them,
- To let go of attachment to the 'when' and 'how',
- To learn to feel safe when I felt most vulnerable,
- To heal from what had happened when I was carrying Flynn.
So I stopped resisting.
I listened..I meditated. I prayed. I cried (lots.. hey the pregnancy hormones didn't help!). I worked on healing my deep rooted fears and I chose Love instead of Fear.
As I did that, things were set into motion.
I received a call from my Doctor about my scan result as she was concerned about Eve's growth. 'I think you're ready to have your baby within the next couple days', she said. After all of this waiting now all of a sudden it is really happening. I felt uncertain and very concerned about an induction as I was hoping to go into labour naturally. But at the same time I was so ready to have our little girl earthside. We went to bed that night praying for a quick and safe labour. I held Flynn close and kissed him hundred of times, embracing those last bittersweet moments I had with him as the only child...
7am the next morning we loaded my hospital luggage into the car. Kissed everyone goodbye and off we drove to the hospital. It was such a surreal feeling knowing that I was going in to have my baby, completely opposite to the panic rush to the hospital for Flynn's birth.
After we got to my birth suite the midwife got me sorted and set up. About half an hour later the Doctor came in to break my water. I thought this would just be a tad uncomfortable.. Boy was I wrong, it was so bloody painful! Yes I knew the pain was only going to get worse from there when the actual contractions kicked in but having someone poke a crochet-like hook into my uterus is definitively not something I wish to experience again.. After a few tries of prodding and poking he finally managed to break my water (cheers Bruce!) and after waiting an hour to see if my contractions would kick in naturally, they got me set up to have the hormones drip put in. Soon enough my contractions started about 4-5 minutes apart & pain level was manageable. Within 2 hours they turned into full blown holy-shit-my-insides-are-on-fire contractions and they're now about a couple minutes apart.
Having had epidural during Flynn's labour, I went in this time with an open mind of aiming to ride out the pain for as long as I could, but also decided that I would ask for an epidural if needed. Carlos played my meditation music, massaged my legs and feet using the essential oil blends that I've prepared for labour (which really helped me relax and stay grounded) and cracked jokes to distract me from the pain (this only worked when the pain was manageable lol). At first I was only using gas and breathing techniques. But as the pain got more and more intense I was now writhing in contorted positions screaming in agony, high as a kite from all the gas. My midwife said 'You can still have the epidural now if you want' so of course I screamed yes. The next 30mins waiting for the anesthetist to come in felt like hours. My monkey mind took over completely and all I could think was I can't keep doing this!! Where is this bloody epidural!! Good thing Carlos did such an amazing job supporting and encouraging me throughout. He kissed and hugged and held me the whole time and I was so overwhelmed with pain and emotions I kept crying and crying.
The anesthetist finally came around and I had never felt more relieved in my life to see someone come in to poke a needle into my spine. Carlos helped me sit up by the edge of the bed so she can locate the correct spot in my spine for the needle and by this point I was so high from all the gas I was delirious. I remember saying to everyone 'is it in yet?? I can still feel everything!'. 'Give it 30mins to work baby..' Carlos said.
20mins..30mins..40mins..had gone by and I knew something wasn't right as I still felt every single contraction. My doctor said 'I don't think the epidural worked Kate..but there isn't time to administer another one as you're fully dilated now and you need to start pushing'.
Fuck.
I was mortified. I looked at Carlos in tears and said 'Please don't make me do this I CANNOT.DO.THIS!' (Lol like I had a choice! But I was obviously not coherent..). Carlos kissed me on my forehead and said 'You CAN do this, you're already doing this baby, you're the strongest woman ever and we're going to meet our baby soon. Just think about our two kids running and playing on the beach and how happy they will be'. Bless him. He knows the beach is my happy place. Hearing that really put things into perspective for me and got me out of my state so I listened to my midwife's instruction and started pushing.
I've heard about the 'ring of fire' from other Mums (when baby head is crowning) but I had not felt it with Flynn as I was numb from the waist down from the epidural. But this time.. holy moly it BURNED.
My midwife said Kate you're gonna have to push harder for me. And she kept telling me to push harder and harder and I felt like a failure because it's disheartening when you push so hard you give yourself hemorrhoid and yet it still wasn't enough for Eve's head to come through. I felt so angry at myself for not being able to do it properly.
Everyone was championing me on and there I was feeling so useless.
'Harder Kate harder'
'Why can't I get it right?!,' I thought to myself. I felt so out of touch with my own body.
After about 20mins of not pushing properly it clicked.
I wasn't trusting in my body and myself. I wasn't surrendering to the pain. All I did was fighting and resisting it. On some level I didn't believe that I could actually bring my baby girl to the world without first numbing the pain.
So I said a prayer in my head and I trusted. And in order to trust I had to connect with my body, and myself. It felt foreign at first but with each breath and each push I felt more and more empowered and grounded in my own ability to deliver my baby.
I CAN do this.
I surrendered to each contraction and let my body guide me and after a few more pushes I heard someone said 'her head is out! Now slow down and give me a little push'. After a few more little pushes her shoulders and the rest of her came flying out and they put her on my chest straight away. I sobbed and sobbed, overwhelmed with joy and pride.
I did what I thought I wouldn't be able to do and I trusted when I was most afraid.
We have to face our fears head on in order to know what we're truly capable of and I learnt that in order to experience happiness and joy we have to allow ourselves to feel the pain, the anger, the heartbreak, the grief, the sadness. Because when we numb one emotion we also numb our ability to experience the others.
In hindsight I'm glad the epidural didn't work for I would not have had the chance to lean into Trust and step into my power.
We each have the choice to either run from our pain and allow it to fester or we can embrace it and do something about it. πππΌπ»πΌπ»