Here are some tips for guys on a date with a woman for the first time when it becomes sexual in light of the Aziz Ansari and Grace thing. Whether or not you think the thing with Aziz was technically assault, the dude was not smooth and the whole thing was awkward, and you do not want to leave your date feeling violated. Here are some things to avoid that:
Go slow. There will be plenty of time for fast passionate sex later when you know each other. Now is not the time to rush into it and make missteps or go at a pace faster than she necessarily wants.
Ask permission. The burning man community is really big on getting verbal consent. Some people think this isn't sexy. What's not sexy is doing something the other person isn't necessarily into. Do not just grab a woman and kiss her unless you're absolutely sure it's wanted.
Seriously, go slow. One of the things that I hate are those forceful 'passionate' kisses that feel like my spine's being pushed in half. It makes me feel like the man is desperate for sex and thinks I'm way more into it than I actually am. There will be plenty of time for passionate kisses. You're still trying to figure out what each of you likes. Diving in and kissing someone as hard as you can just says that you don't give a fuck what they think and assumes they're at the same 'level.' This is a huge lack of empathy and foresight.
NOT EVERYONE LIKES YOUR KINKS. If you want to do something that's not normal, please for the love of god ask first. I know BDSM is mainstream, but not everyone likes to be tied up or spanked. If you spank someone or call them a slut without asking them if they like it, what you are telling them is that your wants are more important than their comfort. Same goes for things like shoving your fingers down someone's throat (Which Aziz allegedly did) which is oftentimes not comfortable and/or sexy for many people.
Porn is not real life. Women in porn often act like passive dolls just waiting for men to shove them around. Real sex is a symbiosis of two people who want each other and as such they should both coordinate in the act. It is not your responsibility as the man to shove the woman's face onto your cock or do rough porno moves. I have met many men who think that they're putting on an act for a third party. Nobody is watching. You don't have to prove that you're 'good at sex' for an invisible camera. The woman is not a doll. She is supposed to be your lover.
I don't care if you're a slut that has sex with 10 women a week. Don't treat women like trash or an object that is solely for your pleasure. Even if you never see them again - do you want to be a man who leaves a bad taste in her mouth, or someone who gives them a good memory of you? Do you want to be the man who shoved her down and fucked her without foreplay, or do you want her to remember you for pleasant masturbation material? Which man do you want to be? (And don't think she doesn't talk to her friends about this, because she will.)
COMMUNICATE. Don't just think "Well she came back to my house, and everyone knows that means she wants sex." Relying on non-verbal cues and expectations leads to insanity.
This is the most level-headed accusation leveled against Ansari that I've heard in this debate.
You should print out this post as a pamphlet and distribute it to high school sex-ed departments.
Also, "kids these days" should date more. There's a lot of pleasure to be had in anticipation and in getting to know each other.
Of course, I jumped right in and married my first true love 21 years ago. I don't know if that means I moved too fast or if I'm still going really, really slowly.
Important, all-too-often forgotten (or never learned) information. I wish this was taught in schools. Rather than just making sure people know how to put a rubber on and sending them on their way, we should be equipping young adults with an informed, nuanced understanding of consent and respect. You should know what you can say no to (anything, at any point). You should know what exactly you're allowed to make someone do (nothing, through force or coersion or anything else). And you should know this- how to treat someone who's trusting you enough to share this kind of intimate moment with them with the respect that they deserve...
So many people have had awful experiences in their most vulnerable state and that's fucked.
Thank you for sharing this with your audience.
Couldn't have said it better myself, this is seriously perfectly put. I had an extremely awkward encounter, literally JUST the other day... And this is the first time I have made mention of it to anyone, for that matter. It's stupid that I like the guy even though he was begging for sex, nearly the entire time we were alone together. I just kept telling him no, and told him he was going to piss me off if he kept advancing on me. He did not end up getting what he wanted. And it's not even to say that I am not attracted to the guy, I just didn't wanna give myself away SO easily. I figured, yeah, there's plenty of time for that if he is actually into me and not just bullshitting, right?! I don't feel bad about this choice, either. I stood my ground and made sure that I honoured myself as best as I could!! He was sure cuddly, though, once we both finally chilled out! Thanks for posting this extremely relevant, wonderful post~
I get that it's frustrating when you're both not on the same page. I think people just shouldn't have expectations and focus on getting to know each other, when people expect sex is when feelings get hurt and boundaries crossed. I'm glad that you kept your cool and didn't give in - I know how difficult that can be especially when you don't want to disappoint someone. I hope you two have a better experience next time if you decide to keep hanging out!
That's really all I wanted from any guy that's tried anything with me in the past year. I just wanted to actually be asked on a f***ing date for once, you know what I mean? Like, why do they have to push for that? Sometimes I actually convince myself that romance is dead :O But I mean, there's gotta be something worth it out there, right?! I honestly felt so damn cornered... I do hope for a better experience if we hang out again, too! But if not, I mean... at least I haven't seen him in years before this, and it won't affect my life too much from these recent encounters... Or so I think now, anyways...
And to clarify, I fully acknowledge that women do these things to men too. Hell, whatever you identify with, I'm sure we've all experienced something pretty messed up in this area~
Maybe I need to go read up on what the hell happened with Aziz. The little snippet about shoving fingers down a throat sounds beyond fucking strange.
This is all good info, though I would figure that almost all if is common sense. Then again, a lot of people lack common sense these days.
An anonymous 23 year old woman named 'Grace' wrote up an article about an awkward sexual encounter with Aziz that she described as sexual assault, and people have been arguing about whether or not it was really sexual assault. Aziz was pushy, and they performed oral on each other, but although they stopped when she said 'no' she still felt violated. Whether or not it was sexual assault is up for debate and everyone has their own take on it but regardless, the sex was awkward and a young lady left feeling upset and uncomfortable. Hence my article, because I think there are easy ways to make women more comfortable.
Men have been throwing their hands up saying "Well if this is sexual assault then I don't want to date!" or whatever, but communication is crucial to making everyone feel comfortable and make sure you're moving at a good pace for both parties. It's just there is so much shitty info about romance and sex out there.
Yeah, maybe I was just taught well about communication as I was raised in a house of girls/women, lol. I just kinda feel like it's sad that there are grown men out there who don't know these basic ideas/principles or follow them. I really do think most of the stuff you wrote here should just be common sense when dating someone. But, then again, I haven't ever really dated all that much so what do I know. I lucked out with finding someone in highschool who I'm still with 8 years later.
Also, why the hell did he shove his fingers down her mouth though? That part is still fucking strange to me, lol.
It was apparently to wet his fingers by using her spit as a lube? I don't know, but it seems a very weird thing to do to someone you just met (Or.. at all. I don't find that sexy.)
And I do agree - it should be common sense! And many men do practice these things, but I've also met some who just seem clueless. My favorite experiences have always been with men who made sure to ask me questions and communicate with me.
Lolol. Yeah, I love it when people do the same action I'd do to induce vomiting. Sooo sexy. Either way, yeah, fucking strange guy.
I'm a man that has come to define myself with sex. It's not something to brag about, and if I knew when I started out what I do now, I would've worked on my long game and abandoned the short almost entirely.
It's exactly akin to the old bull and the young bull on the hill story. I know its sexist and mysogynist, but anything worth savoring deserves to be adored from scratch. I wish wishes were granted and I could un-hurt, un-confuse, un-alienate so many times from the past.
You are definitely an old soul, snowmachine. An old soul with the body of a vixen and the wisdom of a crone. Now here you've found your strength and confidence through writing to let the inner truths be freed and unleashed upon the world - those with an ear for what rings right and the sense to judge a book by its content can clearly hear your voice.
Hail and awe to ya, ma'am!
wow!amazing story,,i like your writing story..Thanks for sharing your blog,,best of luck.
Spot on, and it needed to be said. Unfortunately, I get the impression that the ones who need this as a lesson will either not read it or not grasp the root of the issue: Sex, even a roaringly wild fuck, is a form of love, and love is a mutual exchange for the benefit of all involved.
Anyone who doesn't already understand this on some level probably isn't spiritually or mentally prepared for this post, wise as it is.
Of course, if they're reading this, they could prove me wrong in practice. I'd say that's not an invite to discuss anyone's sex life with me, but then, the ones who could prove me wrong are smart enough that I also didn't need to explain that.