Yesterday, I watched a movie called 'How to be single'. I had the house to myself for the evening, so thought it would be rude to not watch some mind numbing comedy directed at my gender.
In this movie, (not entirely a spoiler) the main character and her boyfriend have a 'break', in order to find themselves. Which is part of the point I would like to make.
It seems like popular culture shames you if you're eternally single and not looking, or if you haven't been single for a minimum amount of time.
'You won't know who you are unless you can be comfortable in your own company' is something I've heard before. But some people who lead a single life may never find this, whilst some people who have spent most of their adult lives in relationships can be completely comfortable with being alone. Why is there an idea of this perfect amount of time to be single, before you can possibly have have a complete life?
I'll admit, I fell into the trap in the past. At the end of a 6+ years long relationship I was unhappy and no longer content with what I was getting out of it. So, I left. My excuse? 'I need to be single, I need to find myself.' In reality, I just wanted to sleep with other people after trying to cope with a long-term dead bedroom situation. But 'finding oneself' seems to be a more acceptable way to phrase it.
What I found out though, is that I was already comfortable with being alone. I enjoyed my brief period of singledom, but it didn't take too long before I found myself in a relationship again, and still am. I don't need this person in my life, I want them in my life. My choice. But in anyone else's eyes, those 5 single months were probably not enough to satisfy society's criteria for having found something that was supposed to be missing. The only thing I found had been missing, was that I didn't listen to my own intuition and needs, in order to fit into society...and the bedroom gymnastics, of course.
So don't listen to those voices that say what you have to do. Society doesn't know who you are, and it doesn't care. Follow your own heart, it's your life and no one else's. If you're happy being with the person you met when you were 14, well that's good for you, and same if you don't want to be with anyone else but yourself. You still evolve and grow up when you're in a relationship, just as you do when you're not. Just follow your gut. I sure will.
I love this! You should never feel the need to just copy those around you! Be yourself :)
I thought this was a fantastic article because it totally fits my life.
I am a 41-year old male, and I have absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, get married, or have kids.
I don't want a house with two cats in the yard and a fucking white picket fence.
I don't want to own my own home. I want to rent.
I am constantly having to listen to my father's bullshit about how renting is a waste and all I'm doing is paying my landlord's mortgage for him and I have nothing to show for my rent money BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!
I'm sick and tired of people assuming I'm homosexual because I'm 41 and don't have a girlfriend.
I'm sick and tired of people looking at me funny when I say that I don't want kids because I want to keep my freedom and besides that I fucking HATE kids!
Basically, I'm FREE to do WHATEVER I want, WHENEVER I want, with WHOEVER I want and I don't have to answer to or explain myself to ANYBODY!
When I want to get laid, I go to a bar and find a one night stand. If something in my apartment breaks, I call the landlord. It's his fucking problem, not mine.
Oh boo-hoo, I guess I'll never experience the "wonderful and beautiful" experience of having children.
BIG FUCKING DEAL!
To mainstream society... FUCK YOU!
Hah, kick-ass comment!!!! You should definitely make a post about this!
Thing is, if you EVER change your mind about any of it, you'll definitely have people going on an 'I told you so' tirade!
I don't want nachos today, but maybe I'll want nachos tomorrow... That's just me and that's my business. Does my friend act high and mighty when I mention this, for telling me I should have had the nachos when we were in the bar yesterday instead of going somewhere to buy them today? Probably. But the point is that yesterday I wanted a burger, not nachos! And I had that burger, and it was glorious!
And TODAY I can have those darn nachos.
That was a great great article!
@swedoise, I should of moved on earlier on a few relationships. One of was so hard because she loved giving me oral sex and was a rock star in bed. I wanted her in my life for the physical pleasure and that was the only quality that kept me involved. Come to think of it, all my ex girlfriends were sex machines, but had very little to offer me a relationship. Guys will hang on for sex. I made myself a little horny thinking about my past. Nice post!
I have heard similar sentiments before actually, have you been at a stage where you've been looking for more than that or where it wasn't your main attraction?
I think you just found a glitch in the Matrix!
The social script/consensus dictates that one individual must eventually find his or her better half. Then he has to get married, settle down, buy a house, pay for it 30 years in a row, have kids, and so on (you know, the predictable path).
Society is built upon this fundamental unit - Family.
Threaten it and you threaten society's foundation itself.
People's minds have been inoculated with this idea that anything outside the social script is bad or "not normal" as I am sure you have felt for yourself.
Hence others trying to shame you and make you feel guilty for not being in a relationship for 5 months.
Finding your own path is not easy as you will always be frowned and look down upon. You do need some strength to stay true to yourelf and walk the unbeaten path.
Congrats for having the courage to do so!
Thanks for your comment! Yes, anyone that dares break society's doctrine is a threat to everyone, right? Hah. You mention courage, but truth is I think I have used up so much of it that I may have none left now!
I left everyone behind, I started over time and time again, and I've made some tough decisions. But I still have an urge to break free again, but I'm too scared! I've tried to settle down in some respects but I'd like to do things differently. But how?
What path have you taken?
Well basically my "rebellion" is not following the social script of graduate->find job->get married->sink in debt->make kids->work your a** off to pay back debt->pretend I'm happy everytime someone comes to visit->get old->regret wasting up youth years->die as a grumpy ol' guy who forgot to dream. I am focusing on my dreams now instead of leaving them for later. Will it work? Don't know. Time will tell. Some personal events did influence me to see things differently.. too many loved ones died over the years so maybe I am kinda messed up and don't want to adhere to the social norm.
I do agree that that idea can be a blanket statement sometimes. However, there are many cases (and I've known a couple) where someone who probably should be by him or herself to grow is often caught up in relationship after relationship because they are codependent or afraid to be alone. And these relationships are not usually the healthiest. That's one of the reasons why you should be able to be comfortable alone before you invest in a relationship for the wrong reasons. That's not to say that you can't grow in a relationship. You can definitely learn a lot about yourself, if you're honest with yourself.
Thanks for your comment! Yes, I do agree with this, co-dependency can be harmful. It's super important to make sure you always keep your own interests in mind and try to better yourself in my opinion, even if it's learning how to cook better or go running! :) Honesty, yes, definitely!
Good read :) you're right though that everyone is different.
I.spent 3.5 years with a giant baby, and it took her two weeks to find another guy to babysit her. It then took me 3 years of sleeping with girls, guys, half and halfs, taking a lot of drugs, getting clean, becoming a pt, becoming a dj, competing.as a fitness model, racing cars, building cars, starting a business and selling a business before I found my partner now, who is gave me the best 25th birthday present ever, a baby due next July :)
But I also learned until you've actually tried.every lifestyle, you should never judge every lifestyle
Wow, you've managed to try a fair few thing, and I applaud you for it! Congrats on the wonderful news, that's lovely!
Indeed, walking in someone else's shoes and that! What was your favourite experience in terms of skills and jobs?
I'd say being a Dj, the perception and reality are two wildly different things :)
Nice article. I fully agree with it. Most people rely on other people to make them happy. Truth be told YOU need to be the one to make yourself happy and this other person is there just for the ride ;).
Thanks! Yes, happiness starts with yourself and it's hard to give if you don't take care of yourself. :)
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STOPIT ´S ALWAYS PRETTY HARD NOT TO LISTEN TO THE SOCIETY.. Become an exercise trying not to do it though. For me is been a long wash out that took me a year or travel. Now I am kind of a PRO ;) I learnt THE HEART is the only one to listen to. And you will be always right with your choices. Thanks for sharing this.
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