Is sex a need or want in marriage?

[jay-dee]

This is a topic that comes up a lot. Is sex a need, or a want, specifically in marriage. The answer has profound implications.

If it's just a want, then the spouse with the higher sex drive is basically at the mercy of the spouse with the lower drive.
If it's a need, then the spouse with the lower sex drive has an obligation to meet the needs of the higher drive spouse.

Our society is attempting to solve this problem by separating sex from the relationship. The often proposed solutions are porn & masturbation, polyamory, affairs, open marriages or divorce and find a new partner. In short, get it wherever you need, and if your spouse isn't on board with it, then leave them.

For Christians, none of these options are feasible nor desireable. We're looking to build better long-standing marriages, not just jump ship when it gets rough. After all, we made vows to do just that, our marriages reflect God's covenant with us. If we abandon them, what does that say about our faith in God?

So, what is the answer for Christians? Is sex a need or a want? Let's approach this from a couple of different angles:

What happens when you don't have sex?

There is a fairly common pattern for higher drive spouses that don't have regular sex. Particularly in men. A few days after the last sexual encounter, they start getting a little antsy and frustrated. Their temper gets shorter, they're harder on their kids and spouse. They tend also to be less emotionally supportive when needed.

After a week or so, they start to get depressed. They start to think that their spouse doesn't love them, that they don't really desire them at all. They get jealous of the time their spouse spends on other things and they start to sulk and mope a bit.

After a couple of weeks, this sort of dissolves into a sense of apathy, despair and a lack of hope for it ever improving. This starts to feel like the new norm and life will just continue like this until they die.

Now, one part of their mind might be fighting this, knowing their spouse loves them, knowing it's temporary, but that just leads to a discord in the mind, which is very distracting as well.

Why does this happen?

Well, this happens due to a couple of hormones in our bodies. Oxytocin is the primary one in this case. This hormone gets released in women in massive doses during pregnancy and breastfeeding. It's the hormone that makes you feel emotionally bonded to someone. It basically forces the mother to love her newborn child, even through the pain, frustrations, sleeplessness and all the psychological torture a newborn brings.

In men, this is released in the largest quantities right after sex. After orgasm specifically. That is when we feel most bonded to our spouse. We feel the most loved, the safest, more willing to be vulnerable. Our body also releases Vasopressin which makes us want to protect our spouse. In short, we feel loved and we want to love in return. Right after sex, everything is perfect, because we're in love and nothing can stop that.

However, a few short days later, that Oxytocin is depleted, and the Vasopressin shortly afterward. We lose that sense of feeling loved of feeling safe, and the pattern above starts to emerge. And while Oxytocin is released during this like hugs, handholding, kissing, etc., it's nowhere near the same levels as after orgasm. It's enough to keep your levels stable for a couple of days, but not for much longer than that in most men.

Maybe this is why the Bible suggests frequent sex

If you are a Christian, then the Bible has a simple solution: Have sex frequently. In fact, whichever spouse is feeling like they need sex, the other, ideally, should be willing to meet that need.

Husbands and wives should be fair with each other about having sex. A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Of course, you can't use this as a stick to control your spouse. It has to be their decision to give this freely. If not, you just end up with duty sex, and noone wants that. But, the Bible does seem to take it for granted that sex is a need and that spouses should be willing to meet that need out of love.

The two possible cycles

I tend to agree with the Bible, not just because I believe it should be our guide, but because it leads to the best possible outcome for both spouses.

If sex isn't a need, and the low-drive spouse's desires are what control the amount of sex in the marriage, the cycle looks like this:

1. You don't have sex
2. The high drive spouse feels unloved
3. They run out of Vasopressin and Oxytocin
4. They start to resent their spouse, aren't as caring or attentive
5. The low-drive spouse feels unloved
6. The low-drive spouse runs out of Oxytocin and isn't interested in having sex
7. You don't have sex and the cycle starts over again

The alternative, having the high-drive spouse's desires be the gauge for sexual frequency changes the cycle dramatically:

1. You have sex
2. The high-drive spouse gets a bunch of Oxytocin and Vasopressin and feels loved
3. The high-drive spouse is more caring and attentive
4. The low-drive spouse feels loved and gets a boost of Oxytocin, and is more willing to have sex
5. You have sex and the cycle starts over again

Now, to me, and I believe most couples, the 2nd alternative is much more desirable. The first one really only has four possible outcomes:

1. Divorce
2. Staying in an unloving relationship
3. Affairs
4. Start having more sex

All but the last, of course, are pretty detrimental to them as a couple, and as individuals.

The way I see it, sex isn't a need for an individual, but it is a need for a couple. A marriage without sex may survive, but it won't thrive.