Being human isn’t easy, and with all the discussion around depression lately I figured I’d toss in my two cents, seeing as I have some experience with it. I think mental health is something everyone navigates, and each of us has a different path to walk—but we’re not alone.
Ever since I was a little girl…
I’ve always felt alone. Being an only child didn’t help. I wanted to be a fox, or a cat, or a tree, or a dolphin, or a unicorn. Or a dragon. Definitely not a human, though. People were strange long before I heard the song by the Doors.
The first time I thought about wanting out, I was in grade four. I remember lying beneath an elephant-leafed plant wondering if I could kill myself with a knife.
Why? Because I felt terribly, horribly alone. And I felt like every mistake I made, every wrong thing that happened to me was my fault, and that I’d never be good enough. So I wanted out.
I’m grateful I never went through with those thoughts, which visited most frequently in my teens. I lost my uncle to suicide, and have seen it impact many people’s lives. Those thoughts of wanting out showed up again, briefly, when I was deep in postpartum depression, but I sent them away.
I sent them away.
The good thing is that I recognize the pattern, now. I can derail the depression some—choose different thoughts and not get dragged down into the darkness.
But the sadness still rises. The feeling of aloneness prevails.
I read somewhere that being alone is part of the human journey. That loneliness is something all of us deal with. And I know what I need to do:
I have to be so strong in myself that I need nothing from anyone else.
But, fuck, sometimes I’m not. Or maybe I am that strong, it just hurts.
Being human is one hell of a ride.
photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel
Here I am talking myself down…
I’ve done a lot of soul-seeking, and studied spiritual philosophies from various places in the world. I believe in a Oneness that holds us all, and it helps when I go big picture and remember this.
We call it different names, and have different archetypes as an attempt to understand the divine with our human minds, but any way you slice it, faith is a powerful thing.
Tantra says the Goddess, Shakti, breathes herself into you when you take your first breath, and breathes you back into herself when it is time to return this body to the earth. The one becomes the many in order to experience itself.
I am that. You, and I, and everyone else comes from the same source.
Chi.
Prana.
Life force.
These exist in us all, in trees and animals and storms. The world is alive and we are part of it.
More than one spiritual teacher has talked about the illusion of being separate from the divine energy that runs through us, that this illusion is the root of loneliness. Okay, I know in my heart that the oneness is real, but I still manage to fall for the old human trap of forgetting.
And no, I haven’t been meditating enough lately. But playing music counts. And I get on my yoga mat every morning without fail—except for some mornings, like today, when I go outside barefoot and do my practice in the grass.
But I'm human…
Being human is hard, especially when I’m hard on myself.
And it is so easy to be hard on yourself when you’re a mom. There are also some ridiculous hormones that go along with being a mother, and they don’t necessarily make things easier.
Almost every day a cynical voice in my head says, “You picked the wrong profession.”
Thanks, voice in my head, but that isn’t really helpful.
But it persists. Because I don’t really want to feel like a slave to two little boys, constantly picking up a house that will never stay clean, having them do the opposite of what I say, or complain when I’m trying to help them. Why did I think having children was a good idea?
Being on call 24/7 takes its toll. And I’m only four years in.
When I lose patience, I’m hard on myself.
When I’m tired, I’m hard on myself. And I’m feeding them, but don’t feel much like feeding myself, which doesn’t help. When they’re driving me crazy, I remind myself that I chose to have children, and you know what? Taking responsibility isn’t always fun. Owning up to my own issues isn’t fun.
And when I look at the state of the world, it is frighteningly easy to feel hopeless.
But I love my children, and I love this planet, and despite the fact that I sometimes think I signed up for the wrong species on my current earth trip, I’m grateful for this life.
So I soldier on, laugh as much as I can, and try to keep things in perspective. This too shall pass.
photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel
I’d rather feel…
Being able to quiet my thoughts can make emotions not so intense, and I think there is wisdom in being able to witness the workings of the mind. Meditation and mindfulness have helped me a lot on my journey. But I’d never want to be a monk. I wouldn’t want to try to be calm and even-tempered all the time.
I’m a passionate person and I can’t hide it, which has gotten me in a lot of trouble, but it’s who I am. And I’d rather experience the fullness of life… to suck the marrow out, so to speak.
So I try to find peace in the low points, and enjoy the highs as much as possible. I try to embrace who I am and appreciate life as it is, right now. Because I never know how long this gift of a life will last.
Carpe diem, all the way.
Thank you for reading this.
As intense as life is, we can help each other by honouring each person’s humanness, and stop expecting anyone (especially ourselves) to be anything but human.
We need respect each other and realize mental health affects everyone in one way or another. It’s okay if you’re struggling, and you don’t need to hide. Reach out if you need help! None of us are alone, even though it can feel like it.
Honestly, Steemit has helped me feel less alone, so thank you!!!
Take care of yourself, you are a gift!
Peace. @katrina-ariel
All photos mine unless otherwise credited.
Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of Steemit.
dragon art: Liiga Smilshkalne
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i meant to come back to this post, but as you know id already written my depression poem
and trying to snap out of that feeling. im glad i came back after seeing @thekittygirl s new art inspired by this post. thank you both as women, supporters, abd just being the lovely creatures i know you both are. its an honor knowing you both and the prospect of getting to know you both better. this post was very real, encouraging and inspirational. thank you!
awww..., thank you, sweet lady! 🤗
@thekittygirl you are so welcome ... can't help but see the talent! woo hoo
Thank you Princess for such a honest and beautiful Post. The way you articulate your Humanity ( and in sense all of our Humanity) is so eloquent and deeply touching.
Being Truthful like this is NOT always easy. And to be able to write down on paper ( or in this case type on a Computer) what your feeling is such a true Gift. Many people do not have this.
I think sooner or later we all have to face certain demons in our Minds. It's pretty much inevitable. After all we're only human beings with neurons that are constantly firing off crazily in our heads as well as emotions and hormones and a plethora of other factors we have to deal with.
Some can deal with it while others unfortunately have a tougher time with it.
But the more we talk about it like you are doing in this Post the more we can help people learn how to deal with it. And I think the better off we can become as a Society... even though its small steps they can add up over time :)
Thank you for doing that, Princess. So awesome.
This is the kicker, for me: talking about it. Talking about things that can help, or just getting feelings out so they pass. But yeah, we all struggle sometimes, so it's important to remember we're not the only ones. 💖
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This is a wonderful post and I do think that many humans feel like they are in the wrong species but hang in there, as time goes by, things hopefully do get easier. I get the part on being on call 24/7, I do feel like running away from my kids but seeing as to how adorable and how much I would miss them, i'd reconsider.
Thanks for the kind comment. Yes, when I get time away from my kids, I tend to miss them. lol! And things have gotten easier for me as time has passed, I agree. :)
Thanks for sharing your journey Katrina. You are smart and talented but life now is concerned mainly with raising your boys. Try to embrace this as time goes by quickly and one doesn’t know what the future holds.
What you said about loneliness is something we all have in different degrees. Perhaps missing the connection to the divine or higher power as we live our life here on earth.
My 97 yr old aunt has suffered many heartbreaking losses. When asked the secret to her long life, said she lived for the day..not yesterday or tomorrow but today. Blessed be dear friend. ❤️
Yes, live for the now. That's the only thing that really exists. Not always easy to remember. Thanks for the sweet comment. 💖
This struck a chord with me, I had a very similar experience. You know it's interesting, feeling alone and depressed, because deep down you know you're not. For example I don't know you, but I instantly feel a connection since we had a similar experience and reaction to... feeling alone, but in that, we're... not alone. It always made me feel better during the tough times, less alone, knowing there were others having the same trouble I was having somewhere out there, even though I didn't know where. For example, you and I :-) Thanks for the post,
Thanks for reading and for the kind comment. Yes, that sense of camaraderie counts, even if you don't know someone well. Not alone at all.
I loved this post so much and so much of yourself that you shared in such an open honest way. I SO value full rich shares such as these. They’re so powerful and like road maps for others along a path that can be so hairy, disheartening and downright difficult. I can relate to MANY of the things you shared here, especially not feeling like I “belong” here or even just- where DID I come from and what’s going on here and do I even want to be a part of it. Thanks for sharing your heart 😘resteemed 💜 love that these rich convos are happening here
Thank you! 💖💖💖 Yes, I love the rich dialogue that Steem encourages. Honesty is so important. And I totally get this:
lol! Funny, not funny, but funny 'cause so many of us share this experience. Much love to you!
It's really a shame many of us suffer through depression and take us to soo many dark places. It's so hard maintain fortitude for others and keep going when there's barely enough to keep going, with tears welling inside. It sucks to vent and bring down someone else and it's worse to bottle it up inside. It's all so complicated to deal with while we're on our journey...
I pray it'll get easier to manage, pray for the strength to go another day. I'll pray the same for you @katrina-ariel and hope depression will leave us all in peace and serenity.
I'll resteem your story~
Thank you for the kind comment and resteem, but especially for your honesty. Yes, it can be hard. Gratefully, the tools I've collected to help me do actually help, but it's a daily practice. I keep focusing on the beauty, keep remembering to count my blessings and try to live for the here and now. Peace to you! 💖
We share very much the same philosophy. I have so many tools, so many philosophies to help me, but every now and then
I understand you on the motherhood thing for sure. I'm almost five years in. I remind myself that they do get more and more self-sufficient. And of course, we adore them :)
Of course we adore them... in between the "OMG what have I done" and the wanting to bang my head against the wall moments, I adore them to bits. lol!
Keep going, mama. We'll keep each other good company. ;) 💖
Your writing is really nice... Thanks for sharing your philosophy 💗
Thank you for reading. 💖
Oh, sister from a different mother and father :) I so can relate. It seems to me that creatives are maybe even more impacted by the feeling of somehow not belonging. Often, that search seems to be the factor for wanting to create.
Good for you that you are on the Yoga mat every day. It does make a difference. and why motherhood never ends, pretty soon, it will not be quite so physically demanding anymore.
Being a parent is such a journey!
Hugs and love to you.
YES! My sense of being an outsider and my passionate emotions have yielded a whole lot of art, from writing to music and visual creations. Deep breaths and friends help! Much love and gratitude! 💖
Such an open and honest post about your feelings and feelings that affect so many
Your strength to be this open is inspiring and can help so many
We all can strive to be strong but at times we need to be strong enough to be open about our feelings and admit we need help in one form or another
tip!
Thank you! I hope it helps others when I share my honesty. I don't particularly like feeling vulnerable, but I do, so I might as well use it as inspiration and create something, whether that's an article helping people feel not so alone, a poem, or a song. Creativity is my way through. And community. Much love! 💖💖💖
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Shucks honey, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've been practically surrounded with bad mental health from friends, family, and, of course!, myself. But holy crap, Steemit is so neat because you find people surviving through it and worse!
You're a strong lady (just from reading this post; we haven't been really acquainted yet :P) and your writing is a joy! That tree/guitar pic is dope too :P
Steemit is amazing. I have dealt with depression remarkably less since I joined Steemit. Anxiety is still there, but hey, I'll take any improvement. lol! ;)
Thanks very much for the sweetness. I really like your writing too. Well met, my friend. 💖
It takes a very real strength to be so open and honest about depression, feelings, helplessness.
You are none of these and all of these.
Complicated beyond reason and yet, so simplistic... you are comforting to know.
Oh, yoga, meditation and music are my heroes. So is a friend with ears big enough to listen to it all.
And much love. Tip!
XOXO
I am so lucky for my friend down the road. I go over to her ranch and just say whatever I need to, and she listens, and comes back with empathy and wisdom, and we laugh so much. lol!
Thank you for the love, love. Glad to know you as well. Big hugs!!! 💖
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TrufflePigUfff such an honest post feels like each words comes straight throigh your heart. ...which actually is...i can relate many instances ....when lonliness haunting me...
Thanks so much for reading. 💖 Yes, I think most people can relate to feeling lonely. But we're not alone. :)
Being human is the most wonderful but the most difficult experiemce. You are so much connected to nature that it's obvious you have heightened senses and it comes naturally that we find the human form very heavy. We keep talking about positive thoughts but more important then that is to create positive experiences.
Very beautifully written blog :)
This is beautiful, yes! And thank you. Yes, it is difficult, and I'm okay with it. To me the important part is finding a way to move the energy, and to keep reconnecting to what matters most. 💖
wonderful post and very heart felt. I never really been proper suicidal thought about it once. I think without my meditation and passion for nature I might have though. Also working in mental health I feel nature and connection are the most important thing we can utilise. I try and promote this whenever possible. Have a cracking day 💯🐒
Nature and connection, definitely. Nature keeps me sane. And friends help, too. :) Thanks for reading!
Thanks you, meeting so many like minded people on here maybe i'm not as odd as people make out haha. No I love nature it's healing power is second to none. Enjoy 💯🐒
This is beautiful and I relate to this so much. I grew up feeling the same way, and very alone. And highly emotional too - very hard to navigate through life with such highs and lows and intensity. Yoga too, for me, helped immeasurably. And though I know it's good for me, I don't meditate as much as I know I should to be balanced and okay. xxx Ah, this human life. xxx Much love xxx
Sweet comment, thank you! I think so many of us share this experience. Thanks for saying hello, kindred spirit. ;) 💖
Hey @katrina-ariel, you have beautifully put into words what many of us go through at times, depression is not easy but can be overcome with the tools you are using! I was in a very deep dark pit for many years but got out of it using some of the tools you mentioned, wrote a post about terminal depression some months ago, sadly also lost 2 loved ones to suicide.
But you know what, I think we appreciate life more because of those dark moments, enjoy your children and enjoy your life, wish you well!
Thank you for the sweet comment. Yes, the low points make the high points more vibrant. Blessings to you! 💖
Thank you, blessings to you as well🌈
Oh honey, you are perfect just the way you are. Amazing, brilliant and unique. The world is a better place with you in it. We all have our ups and downs, that is what keeps life interesting and all those moments are teaching us something, building us and providing a lovely contrast. It can seem lonely at times, difficult or strange but just remember that you really are NEVER alone. I am sending you so much love right now my sweet sister, hugs, kisses and loving energy. Stay glorious and creative, stay you. 💚💚💚
Love received and sent back in kind. 💖 Thanks so much for being you, and for the sweet support you share so freely. (((hugs)))
oh Katrina! Thanks for this post, thanks for opening up yourself. There are times when we feel so alone and want to snap, but hey, there are things way beautiful that should make us stay. Our kids make us crazy, true. But they are also the sweetest beings we can ever possibly have so we need to savor each moment with them. There are also times when I feel I want to just disappear, hibernate and go to very deep sleep. When these come to me, I think of all the best things that I'm going to miss...
Love and hugs,
Arlyn
Yes, there are things so beautiful I have always chosen to stay, and I'm glad I don't have such dark thoughts anymore. Still when I struggle I try to just honour the fact that it's hard, but keep looking for the beauty and what I have to be grateful for. Thanks for the super sweet comment! 💖
I have one more year and then my youngest goes off to college. I don't know where the time went. Take lots of pictures, don't buy anything that you will get upset about if it gets broken or stained, have a place to call your own. And hey you may have been an only child but now you have two kids who are always ready to play, be a kid again, take a do over sometimes! Peace.
lol! That's wonderful. Sometimes I'm good at being a kid, sometimes not. Sometimes I suck at adulting, too. lol! But thank you for the advice. Blessings to you and your family! 💖
I'd love to live the life of a bear. Eat, get gloriously fat, sleep for four months and wake up skinny. But yes the older I get the more i appreciate being human.
And this thing you said is particularly beautiful:
Also, I am amazed at the photographs you include in your posts. They are so lovely, and yet sometimes they defy explanation — like the shot of you sitting in that tree and playing your guitar; I don't know how you managed that one, but kudos! It is a truly lovely shot! 💖