Before you react let me at least explain why, in the adult Abuse Cycle, the victim also needs to take responsibility.
In BDSM we learn that there are two kinds of people, Dominant and Submissive. Everyone is on a sliding scale and people who are capable of both, we call a Switch. As you start to educate yourself into the world of BDSM you make an interesting discovery,
The Submissive runs the show.
The Dominant is completely at their mercy. The Submissive dictates the terms, they dictate the safe word, when it is said and when play stops. They dictate everything about the interaction. To the uninitiated seeing someone getting whipped with a cane to the point of passing out, it is easy to be confused as to who is in charge.
Ok, I hear you say, this is not relevant because Victims do not have a choice when facing an Abuser. Sure, on the face of it you are right. So lets expand my analogy. If the Dominant is over-riding the boundaries expressed by the Submissive, then absolutely that is abuse and you would be right. But this is exactly why I say adult ‘victims’ must take responsibility.
If a Submissive has learnt they are Submissive, has got themselves a proper education in understanding their position and do not just expose themselves to anyone, or any situation that might put them in danger, then they have taken responsibility. Then they screen and protect against any Dominant who might be dodgy. In fact any time someone misbehaves, it is the responsibility of the Submissive to notify others about that. Make sure other people don’t fall prey. Then in this way the Dominant who is actually an Abuser, will become more easily spotted and dealt with.
There is a lot that rides on the need for a Submissive to learn their lessons, realise they have to take care of themselves and NOT expect rescue at any time from anyone else. They have a responsibility to learn about their role. If they do not, then of course they end up making mistakes, being exposed to Abusers. This still happens a hell of a lot more than it should. Why? Because the Dominant/Submissive role is denied by our society. Instead Shame controls the show. Everyone exists on that BDSM scale, it is only sexually curious creatures that follow the path towards it, and currently a small percentage that learn about the importance of Submissive responsibility.
Back to #MeToo. And the issue I see happening in the Cycle of Abuse, is that the role of Abuser and Abused, is being completely misunderstood. Lets ignore for now the fact that it is currently one-gender being targeted, as if women have no part to play in it whatsoever, but instead focus on the basic nature of humans to be Dominant or Submissive. We see this same dynamic at play in Abuse Cycles. Understanding BDSM can give you insight here.
It is a symbiotic relationship, Abuser and Abused. But the Abused has a choice. In theory they can leave anytime, but in Abuse Cycles they don’t. And this is the problem. Why do the Abused not only return, but tend to become so low in self-worth that they think the Abuser cares about them, they consistently forgive them believing it will fix one day? We need to look at the dynamics at play to understand it. The key to a healthy BDSM experience lies in the Submissive taking responsibility.
Unfortunately all the current #MeToo campaign is doing is creating further Shame and reliance on the Rescuer. For those who understand the Karpman Drama Triangle, this becomes addiction for the Victim and the Rescuer both. They enter a cycle of feeding the addiction to victimhood, where attention good or bad doesn’t matter, just so long as the Victim is getting some. Their low self-worth fed is by attention. If it isn’t the Rescuer, it will be the Abuser. This is the problem. The Submissive becomes shamed, trained and invested in the Victim position and never escapes. Unless they take responsibility.
We need to see this pattern, we need to stop playing Rescuer because it is not helping. #MeToo is doing more damage than good until we look at the shadow in Abuse Cycles. See where the dynamic occurs in a healthy way in the BDSM world. We need to know what we can realistically achieve here. You don’t blame a Dominant, you don’t rescue a Submissive. These impressions are imprinted within us by Nature, they don’t change. But, as any healthy BDSM advocate will tell you, they do not need to change. You need to learn how to manage your role responsibly. Then the Dominant will know their place is to be guided by the Submissive, and the Submissive will know that they hold all the power.
In the Shadow, everything is it’s polar opposite where power is concerned. The Dominant (Abuser) is the one that is being controlled, the Submissive (Victim) is actually the one with the power. But it remains an unhealthy dynamic, until they take full responsibility for their choices. Choices of where to go, who to see, who to associate with, and why they are doing it. The choice of when to leave, when to stay, and when to seek support and manage their state of Self-Worth, Attention needs, and Shame.
Understand the difference between the psychology at work in the unhealthy Abuse Cycle, and that of the healthy BDSM dynamic. Only then can we start to find solutions to turn Abuse around in our world. The Submissive has to start to take responsibility, and they cannot do that while they are treated as, or engaging in behaviour, that is enabling them to remain being a Victim.
Excellent explanation
This explanation really hits the spot. On many of night Me and my submissive have ponded the same thoughts.
Well put! I'm rather new in the community of BDSM and this was a very well explanation.