Journal #2 What Would Have Been

I look into the past and can’t help but wonder what would have been with a particular girl in my life. What would have happened if I chose her, instead of the girl I actually ended up choosing?
I don’t have any regrets about anything, but I wish I had the power to peer in alternate realities like Dr. Strange. That’d be pretty cool. The girl I ended up with never even worked out, but it’s not like there’s bad blood. She’s also wonderful in her way, I mean I have a matching tattoo to remind me of that haha. Nebiat though, god damn. Her name was Nebiat. She was so smart, so exotic and beautiful, so well mannered, so concrete in her life’s direction. She’s a model now, so it’s kind of crazy I didn’t take the opportunity when I had it. She was so beautiful at prom. I remember she wore this green dress, with this beautiful crystal head piece that she wore around her head. I was literally breathless.

Has that ever actually happened to anyone? We’ve all seen it movies, but has anyone ever actually been “breathless” after seeing someone so beautiful? I have. The green highlighted her Ethiopian features. Her eyes, her skin, her smile. She was undeniably something special. Still is.

She sends me messages of “I miss you” and “Hope life’s treating you well.” but I sit here, not wanting any of it, and instead wanting her in my arms and in my life. We’re getting coffee as soon as I visit Oklahoma again. I can’t wait to see her warm smile. I can’t wait to make her laugh. I feel bad writing these things since I have a complicated relationship with someone else at the moment, but it’s the idea of wondering what could have happened if I wasn’t a dumb kid back then. Oh, Jose.

May 14th, 2018