'HOW A CARELESS TEENAGER TURNED INTO A (STEP)MOM'
(life of a girl who survived domestic violence and stalking, fighting for a better life)
Welcome to the Twelfth day I'm participating in the #monthlyauthorchallenge!
I'm really excited to join the challenge! Why? Because I would love to share some bits of my life with you.
I think it might surprise you and even shock you 😉
DAY 12 THE 'CPS-MILL'
I didn't know what to do. CPS receded. The police told me to stay away as far as possible from my ex-husband. They couldn't imprison him, because there were no witnesses.
But still, HE WANTED CONTACT!
The phonecall
It was the wednesday after the attack. We had the agreement that he could call the girls every wednesdaynight. But that wasn't possible this night because it wouldn't make any sense..
He would talk about their upcoming weekend together, but I wasn't planning on bringing them because of what happened. I was really upset about the attack. He scared me.
I had to talk to him about what happened and the impact of it, but first I had to figure out the options with CPS and the police.
I was afraid he would get mad and come by our house again, when I'd tell him he couldn't get the girls on the phone, and that I wasn't going to bring them for the weekend two days later.
I was really scared of his reaction..
That night my father and my brother and a friend came over, to help me in case he'd come over after the phonecall.
He called and asked for the girls. I told him he couldn't talk to them, and that I wouldn't bring them over the upcoming weekend.
He wasn't happy with that, so he hang up the phone.
We had no idea what to expect next. We waited. And waited..
Fortunately he stayed away that night.
The SECOND project
I talked to CPS about the options. There was another project that maybe could 'help' us.
This project made it possible to have an arrangement concerning parental access WITH supervision.
Besides that they organized guided conversations between parents to build trust between the two of them.
I had to bring the girls over every four weeks on a saturdaymorning. I had to hand them over to the staff and they would bring them to their father and keep an eye on them.
This went 'fine' for a while.
It wasn't perfect. This one time I brought the girls over, but there wasn't a staff member in the building. Nobody showed up. I was alone with the girls. Was I confused about the days?
Then my ex-husband DID show up. And he wanted to spend time with the girls of course.
So I let them. I waited and kept an eye on them from a distance.. I called CPS about how this could happen. Where was the needed supervision to make sure the girls were safe?
The woman on the phone didn't know anything about this project. No 'sorry for the inconvenience' or anything like that..She couldn't do anything for us.
I waited a long time until my exhusband finally handed them over to me. I was happy this didn't escalate.
Thanks for this stressful situation CPS..
The conversations with CPS between the two of us were heavy for me. Everytime I went over there I hoped I would see a better, healthier, happier person, but instead of that I saw him decline.. I felt sorry for him and even more for the girls.
The conversations were always about him.
I had to hear how tough things were for him. How he was a victim. How hard he had to fight..
The project was meant for a period of two years. We stayed in this project for over two years, but then the project stopped because of austerity policy.
Court
In the mean time we went to court a couple of times, because of the continuous stalking and the attack.
I hate going to court. I hate lawyers. I always get the feeling that lawyers want to destroy people instead of trying to make things better.
Lawyers can say so much nasty things about an human being without knowing the whole story. They don't care what someone went through. They'll say anything to bring you down. It's do denigrating!
I remember this one time I was sitting in court. The lawyer of my ex-husband was speaking badly about me. It didn't make any sense. I guess she did it to make my ex-husband look better?
But after she'd had her time to talk crap, the district attorney started talking.
He looked at me and said 'Betty we can't do much because there were no witnesses of the attack, but I do want you to know that I believe every word you said about it and everything you told about the domestic violence.'
WoW!
I knew I was telling the truth of course, but this made me emotional. My story was finally ACKNOWLEDGED!
The THIRD project
Their was an other project that CPS could offer..
It was sort of like the same thing, but then one saturday every six weeks for an indefinite period of time.
I still wanted to cooperate as long as it would be safe for the girls.
I brought the girls over every six weeks. After a while my ex-husband was complaining. He didn't think it was enough. The staff explained to him that he had no choice. This was all they could offer.
If he'd stop the project there wasn't another way for him to see the girls.
After a while he decided to STOP THE PROJECT.
I CRIED..
I cried because I was relieved. Maybe we would FINALLY get some rest...
I cried because I wanted the girls to have a relationship with their dad so bad...
I hated it that he chose to fight the wrong battles every time.
I didn't want him to suffer.
I didn't want to keep the girls away from him.
All I wanted was that the girls were safe.
I wanted him to get better. To get clean. To build a life for himself. To become a father that the girls could look up to..
Many years later I asked myself: What did CPS really do?
What did they tell him when I wasn't there?
Were they maybe escalating the whole situation instead of helping and making it better?
Why I asked myself that question?
Because that wasn't the last experience I've had with CPS..
Stay tuned!
-Thank you for your interest! I would love to hear something from you! Please leave a comment and I'll get back to you 😊 Hope to see you back tomorrow! Love you 😘!-
This story is part of a series I'm writing this month in the #monthlyauthorchallenge, here below are the previous parts:
PART 11: The Attack
PART 10: CPS
PART 9: Stalking
PART 8: The divorce
PART 7: Running away
PART 6: Domestic violence
PART 5: Now what?
PART 4: Becoming a young mom
PART 3: Kissing and making out
PART 2: The first guy I'll kiss
PART 1: This is me
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Thank you so much for supporting my story!
It means so much to me that I can share my story. I hope that I can give relevant insights in this kind of situations..
The more I read, the more similarities I see between our stories. My ex (and is) very good at playing the victim role. In fact, my best friend's partner and my ex have a mutual friend. He was over at their house one day and said things about what he'd been saying about me and how I was keeping his kids away from him (yeah, now I do, because we moved to another country, but this wasn't always the case....every time he came to collect the kids, he made a big drama and when I said something about it, he would click his heels and leave! Without the kids...). When that friend was done, my friend and partner said: "OK, and now our side of the story." The guy was stunned. I have the feeling that even though at some stage, he did care for the kids, but now it's much easier to remain in the victim role and blame it all on me so people feel sorry for him. You handled things way better than I did. You felt sorry for him. In my case, the only thing I can say is that my ex is a total waste of space...
Ha same here!
A girl heard this guy tell his story about how he was mistreated, at a conference. She was really impressed and felt so bad for him.
Later on this girl became my sister in law.. It became clear that it was my ex-husband that she heard talking..
Boy, did she feel misguided!!
It's amazing how simular this stories are most of the time!
Sometimes I feel like this guys have a membership at this 'how-to-be-a-bad-husband-club' where they all get the same tips and tricks
haha, what a small world that your sister in law heard your ex talking about how badly you treated him (you should be ashamed of yourself: putting yourself and your girls before an abusive husband...how dare you). That's the problem though with people who like to play the victim, because they're so bound to that role, they will never find happiness unless they change their attitude. If it's never their fault, then there is no way they'll ever be able to move on. The thing is, I didn't make this mistake only once, I did it three times (only once married though..pfew). I know, I know, I must have been crazy. With my first (the one I married) even during the wedding ceremony (I was living in Vegas at the time, no, not Elvis...) I was thinking to myself: What the hell am I doing? Three months later I was pregnant and another 3 months later I went back to Holland...He's never shown much interest in his daughter since then, only the last couple of years, and even then he manages to hurt her by being an ass (telling her that he can't buy her anything for her birthday but then in the same sentence tells her he bought a brand new huge fridge!). He and 'the other one' have always blamed me for everything. I shouldn't have left (even though one was physically/emotionally abusive and the other emotionally abusive and just plain toxic for both me and the kids). It is never their fault...But you and me both probably take some of the responsibility since it was us who fell for it and were blinded. And that's how people can move on. Not by playing the blame game. Yeah, I think these guys have been on the same club for sure...or maybe should all sign up for the 'complain about your ex' club. LOL.
You're SO right!!
Me and some friends who also had a bad relationship with a guy had this 'club' years ago, named 'the-how-to-survive-my-ex-husband-club' 😂
We talked about the things we could do to those men..
Really childish, but we needed that right then.. 😁
Haha, it's like the ex-wives club :)
Yes..
I'm not proud of it 🙈
Have a nice day
Family is the most important thing in the world. If you do not have a family, consider that you have nothing. Family - this is the most lasting bond of your life. I liked your post