What I know, for me, what it was like to fall out of love.
It’s not as simple as waking up one day and deciding to no longer be in love with the other person.
For me it was waking up one morning and realizing I was no longer in love.
The realization hits you quickly and suddenly, like the moment when you realize you are in love.
Like love, it took time before you notice it or come to realize it.
Once when it was exciting to spend a day or night talking in person or through messages, was now replaced by Choosing to sleep right away and hitting ignore to incoming messages. Subtle a change, but it appeared I preferred the sleep to talk.
Once where you could sleep soundly with all lights out, and “door unlocked “ even, is suddenly replaced by sleeping with the light on.
Counting the moments till seeing them again, and beaming as the hours turned to minutes till you see them is replaced by counting the minutes till they leave again.
Thinking of us changes to thinking in terms of “i”
Little things appear after discovery, that the idea (no matter how you fight it) of them being near you or touching you repulses you.
It comes on gradually like love.
You no longer ignore infractions, no longer make excuses.
Tears don’t flow anymore if you miss them. Sadness doesn’t fill you at absence.
I use to go out, errands, or visiting; and when a man would smile at me I would react with a grimace, and willed them to see in my eyes “I’m taken”
But near the end, I smiled back.
I remember once when I was thinking it all over (knowing I wasn’t in love anymore) why it felt so easy at that point, had I really been in love in the first place?
I had been.
But later I stopped being.
It’s all much more complicated falling out of love than I thought. But at the same time not really.
I just wasn’t in love anymore.
What I thought of as ours, was suddenly replaced with It being mine.
At one point, I was silently angry, and later I didn’t know why.
One conversation I was told they know my thoughts, they knew what I wanted in the future.
Typically, I would have smiled when I thought he must know me so well.
But it was replaced now in my mind with “how dare he tell me what I want or am thinking.”
That was a clue for me later when thinking back to find clarity in why I thought it was odd i felt no love over night.
Friends had told me later, that I seemed to walk around with little joy anymore. I didn’t notice.
When i finally admitted I was not in love anymore, I felt guilty. And I didn’t know why.
There was a time, when I wondered silently and later verbally “what is wrong with me? That he....”
That too was replaced with “there’s nothing wrong with.”
I later learned, that the very things I was being tested by, testing to see how much I loved them....was the very things that was causing me to fall out of love.
I noticed later too, that I was holding back. I no longer wished to share good news. No longer thought of how decisions I made affected anyone else but myself.
By the way, the love is speak of is general meaning of one another, friendship included.
Rambling thoughts on falling out of love completed.
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