I'm a messed up human being.
I've known that for quite some time, but didn't know what to do about it for a while
Somewhere along in my early childhood, I began to believe that other's could not be trusted with my pain. This belief may very well have even been necessary for a period of time.
But that usefulness fades overtime as my body continue to grow in discord with my soul, until firming become a burden that I could not seem to shake. This reality has guided my way towards some pretty dark tar pits. Somehow, I've been met with love in those places several times. This had started me on a path of healing.
I am currently a part of a group of 10 men who all find themselves in places of wounding or darkness and who want to throw down for the hope of something better. We just started meeting a few weeks ago and will meet twice a month for the year.
After the first introductory meeting, we were told to find a symbol for what we hope to get out of this process, or more generally, why we felt we were even there.
This group is centered around an explicitly spiritual curriculum, so part of this involves deferring to the process. In other words, don’t force it. Wander around a little bit and let the symbol find you.
It took me almost the full two weeks, but my symbol found me.
It is a BIC lighter.
Nothing fancy, just the basic, solid color, BIC lighter.
You know the ones.
This is not my first rodeo
I’ve done a fair amount of wound-work these past few years, and I am no longer in a place of crisis.
I have identified several of my core lies and began to replace them with truths.
But, I still feel significantly disconnected from a very early and fundamental part of myself.
I realized this week, in my search for a symbol, that I am still unable to really connect with my passion. And it is not even just that, but for as long as I can remember, I have experienced embarrassment about revealing my desires and excitements to others. This motivated me to stay hidden. Eventually, even I became unable to access the things I tried to keep from locked away.
It’s not like my wants or hobbies were even radically outside of mainstream 90’s boys things. The source of this compulsive and obsessive pretense, denial, and hiding is not very clear to me. I want to change that.
So for me, the lighter symbolizes the ability to burn off all of the bull-shit covers, masks, and walls that I put around the parts of myself that I was (and sometimes still am) embarrassed to let other people see.
The picture carries with it this timeless association of fire and passion. I envision it working to free up the frozen places of my inner landscape. Parts that have experienced a permafrost for over two decades. It brings warmth, speed, power, and light.
But the lighter has another, more personal reference for me.
I heard this quote from Shauna Niequist last week:
The very thing that makes you great, that makes you uniquely you, is the same thing, that if left unchecked, will ruin you.
This struck a deep nerve for me. You see, while this fire symbolizes me coming alive again and grabbing hold of my passion, the lighter also tells of some of my darkest times.
I have a long history with self-mutilation and other self-harm behaviors
I have intentionally burnt and branded myself with this very lighter countless times.
I do not say this with any machismo. This is acting out for me and it is compulsive.
Parts of who I am got trapped because I felt a need to protect myself from outside threat. Somewhere in that process, I became my own threat.
I am excited and truly pumped about diving into and embracing my truest passions for life and service. And in the same breath, I am nervous and anxious about my impulsivity taking control of my life again.
Thanks for joining me this far on my journey for wholeness. For all interest, look for future posts.
Cheers,
Sam
Image Sources: Lost, Cave, BIC, Moon
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That being said…
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Until recently, I had this notion that I needed to be much more healed before having anything to offer. I am trying to reject that idea now.
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Really great sharing here.
Hiding is a strange phenomenon. We hid because we think those parts of us are unlovable. And because we never share them with anyone, there's no opportunity for us to correct our assumption and realize that we were lovable all along.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for risking being seen. It doesn't scare people away. It actually brings us closer. :)
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
It is also strange how a bad or unloving experience with one person will cause us to assume the worst about other people who share almost nothing in common with that first person.
I have been really motivated by how affirming the Steemit community has been when people decide to step out into vulnerable territory.
Yeah, once we have a default expectation, it's hard to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Yes! There are some amazing people on here! Maybe it's because the kind of people drawn to cryptocurrency and the transparent nature of open ledgers are also drawn to that same transparency in others. Either way, so glad to have found this place!
Oh man, I love that idea! I never thought about it like that, but there does seem to be a correlation. The same people who have come to realize that the traditional social model of puffery has left them feeling empty also tend to see the flaws in other traditional systems.
So well said!
Wow! What an incredible and authentic post brother! I love what you said "So for me, the lighter symbolizes the ability to burn off all of the bull-shit covers, masks, and walls that I put around the parts of myself that I was (and sometimes still am) embarrassed to let other people see."
This is such a powerful statement because it's a symbolic way of being able to express who you are for both your light and your darkness. I honestly had not thought of such symbols as this as being able to show you an aspect of who you are. But after reading your experiences and how it has impacted your life, I am moved and inspired to seek to find my own symbol when the times comes :)
And I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for being authentic, raw and just being able to share a part of your life experiences which has helped to mold you into YOU. Much love to you brother! <3
Thank you very much for your kind and encouraging words!
It is that kind of thing that shatters my self doubt that tends to set in at regular intervals with messages like "you're wasting your time." Or "nobody cares." Thanks for that.
It has taken me several years to get to this place where I can accept my story as beautiful and worth sharing. I'm excited to push forward in that.
It is difficult sometimes to be so raw and authentic. Things that matter to us seem so small and insignificant. But it's not true at all, because when we rise above it and start to shine our light upon the earth, we will notice that not only are we getting lifted up, but we begin to lift others up with us. To see that is one of the most incredible things and why I do what I do and continue to connect with other beautiful souls. We all have a message to share, now is the time for us all to share it! :D