Spoilers ahead, so read at your own risk. I did not like the movie, it made me furious, and so I don't really want to review the movie as much as I just want to tell you why it made me so mad.
- Princess Leia did not die in outer space, instead she presumably used the force, even though she's not a jedi, to fly through space back to the ship and safety. Anger continued in number 7.
- Princess Leia didn't die at the end of the movie, instead the mom from the movie where the kids have cancer, but with purple hair, presumably died, but actually probably not because Disney can't kill any of there characters. Also, by the way, since when can you kamikaze hyperspeed your spaceship? Where was that when they were fighting the death star?
- No backstory for Rey or Snoke. The previous film, even though it had a different director, set up two very important storylines, that were promptly dropped. What the hell? Snoke was totally irrelevant, even though he's a crazy crazy powerful jedi. Which leads to -
- The power levels were all messed up. This was the case in the force awakens as well. Even though ray hasn't trained, she can fight Kylo, trained since he was five years old no doubt, in a lightsaber fight. But Snoke can just throw her around like a ragdoll, when even emperor palpatine wasn't doing that shit. And Kylo pulls the roof down on Luke, crushing his shit. So who's the strongest? Kylo beats Luke, Ray beats Kylo, and Kylo beats Snoke. Come on! It all makes no sense. And no more force lightning? That was dope. Moving on...
- The previously mentioned purple-haired lady not telling Poe her plan, making herself look like an idiot, forcing Poe's hand to do something rash, which then gets a ton of people (none of them important, because Disney) needlessly killed, which makes her a terrible ruler!
- Leia comes out of the coma, not to eat some soup or recover, but to kick some ass, and shoot Poe in the face with a blaster set to stun. Are you serious? Why does she have to do it herself? How is she able to blast down the door when everyone else fails? It makes no sense.
- The whole thing was so damn family friendly! It felt like a 2.5 hour commercial for the Disney Parks. We have jokes! We have costumes! Come on down! There was no real darkness or grittiness, it was all like the fancy casino that we were supposed to hate, but the real life version of it grossing billions of dollars in box office revenue.
- Cont'd - Every scene felt like it was out a brochure for a west-coast campus. "We have asian people, black people, old people, and people who may fit any category you would like to see represented, if you choose to see them that way"
- It frustrated me how relevant and 2017 it felt. From Luke brushing off his shoulders, to the jokes, to the progressive little speeches about how "arms dealers are evil" and "the good guys and the bad guys are both part of the military-industrial complex and that makes them all the same." And finally, and WORST OF ALL - "we won't win this war by killing the bad guys, but by saving each other" or whatever Finn's girlfriend said to him before doing the #1 stupidest action of the whole movie that should have killed them both, and for no reason at all.
- Luke sucked. He was a small, lame, bitter little man. Instead of being the gangster-ass Luke Skywalker who learned the way of the force and became a jedi master, he just blew it the whole time.
- (bonus) They changed the rules of the force! It was like star wars meets harry potter! The whole mind-meld thing was so dumb, that's not star wars, that's what voldemort does to harry. Why did they add that, it boggles my mind. And Luke doing the whole fake image thing, where did that come from? That felt harry potter too, or something else. Not star wars though.
Let me know what you think, I'd love to hash this out, I have a lot of emotions.
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