This Movie Needs No Movement: Black Panther Stands On Its Own Four Legs

I have some good news for you folks today! And no, it has nothing to do with dead kids. Sorry to disappoint you. But I’m pleased to announce that I'm not quite as racist as I thought, because I actually really liked the new Marvel movie Black Panther. The bad news is, I can’t shit on it like I hoped because it is actually a good movie on its own merits. The director is Ryan Coogler of Creed, the last Rocky movie, and that was a great inspiring sports movie. And like that movie, Coogler brings a style to this story that is ineffably gangsta. The different camera techniques he uses are unique and don't call too much attention to themselves. The trap beats that score the film should be used more often and probably will. This is mostly a very competently executed film, again, on its own merits. You should not let the blindsided hype dissuade you from seeing it and having a good time.

The film stars Michael B. Jordan, sporting a trap star hairdo. He starred in Coogler’s last two films, Fruitvale Station and Creed. And he also gives a good performance as this vengeance-fueled thug from the streets, and the only American character in this African-based story. One could argue that his character more represents the attitude of a Black Panther, in the political sense, than the actual Black Panther, the hero, played by Chadwick Boseman. We’ll just call them as Good Panther and Bad Panther, because by the final fight scene of the movie, it’s difficult to tell which is which. That train scene in particular was like watching two black-suited Spider-men hash it out from the godawful Spiderman 3. But the two opposing leads are interestingly drawn. To my pleasant surprise, the characters are kept simple enough, yet are not watered down into hokey social justice caricatures...like some other recent films.

Good Panther is the righteous and noble king of Wakanda, an advanced secret society in Africa with an unlimited energy source known as MacGuffin. He is portrayed as an isolationist who sees the injustice in the outside world and wants nothing to do with it, because that would draw attention to his country, one created specifically to be hidden from European colonialists.

Conversely, Bad Panther is an aggressive thug, a challenger with no respect for Wakandan traditions. He talks about conquering all the nations in the name of Wakanda, like a black Hitler, because of all the torture inflicted on his ancestors. Though the film never specifically mentions race, there are a couple of annoying “Whitey So Lame” jokes pointed at the two white characters, Smeagol and Bilbo Baggins. I usually laugh at racial humor, but these jokes just don’t land, and neither do the interjections from the bossy feminist character. But I was pleased to find that the unintentional moments of comedy outweigh the intentional. For example, Wakanda’s mountain tribe is led by Suge Knight, a PCP-addicted Man-Ape. Oh, and before I get called racist, Man-Ape was literally the character’s name in the comics. The scene where he “hoot hoot hoot”s the shit out of Bilbo Baggins like a gorilla is one for the memes. Did the creators themselves actually intend to be racist in their depiction here?

This is one of those films that receives the most ball-gagging cum-chugging reviews around it for all the wrong reasons, robbing the film of the ability to be judged solely on its own merits. But in the end, the film is just good enough that it doesn’t need that Critics Defense League put up by Disney/Marvel yet again. Apparently, they don’t usually expect their mainstream shitstreak movies to be good enough on their own. (Need I mention Star Wars again?) And what a coincidence that it just happens to be released in Black History Month. Yes, it’s a product that pandering to a certain demographic. But what product doesn’t pander in 2018? For fuck’s sake, Martin Luther King, Jr. is now selling goddamn Ram Pickup trucks. Kids are eating Tide pods like its candy. We are at an all-time low. The least Hollywood could do is a solid narrative by able craftsmen, and that’s what we get with Black Panther. Other than the aforementioned dumb jokes, it doesn’t aim to please the purple-headed freaks as much you expect.

In fact, the film’s sense of humor is what saves it from retreating up its own ass. The filmmakers provide us a colorful smorgasbord of African side characters, with many cultural deformities such as fish scale scars, wardrobes straight out the Broadway production of The Lion King, and one chief with a lip plate (I wonder how this man eats. Off the plate, I suppose?) I already told you about Man-Ape, but I didn't see many bones through noses, long necks or bare female chests. Can't be too honest about the goings on of the middle Continent.

The utopia itself is basically the world from the Star Wars prequels, but with black people. Oh, and they apparently haven't evolved to the point of using AK-47s. They're still chucking spears in Wakanda. Ironically, the real-life Africa actually has more advanced weapons.

Now, I hope I've atoned for the evils of my ancestors by giving this film a positive review. But I'm afraid you're going to have to reverse-lynch me now, because Black Panther is not a perfect movie. Its chief weakness is its plot. The pacing is a little off in the beginning and towards the end. The detour in Korea doesn't really work. It feels like something out of a James Bond movie. Some of the similarities to the Star Wars prequels (which, by the way, are the best ones) are pretty obvious, like the Council gathering, the flying cars, the indistinguishable CGI blobs that I guess are supposed to be animals. Still, I wouldn't let social media sour your experience of Black Panther too much. I would love to complain about it being trash just to be labeled a white supremacist as much as the next guy, but even a broken studio anus shits out a solid turd every once in a while. Now will you filthy fucking protesters get off my lawn?

Rating: 7/10