(EN)
The holidays are over now and I can now present to you the probably darkest song of the past years.
There was a time in my life when I was suffering from such incredible depression that I tried with all my might to dissolve. Everything that keeps me here, my strength to fight, my wishes and my love, I just wanted to exchange for a complete ego dissolution. I couldn't stand the pain anymore and therefore I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I tried to die without dying. I suffered from this condition for years, in vain treatment with every form of antidepressant that the pharmaceutical industry had to offer.
It may sound strange, but this personality part that was so dominant at that time was really allowed to die after all the pain finally ended in a real psychosis. I can only vaguely remember what made me then, but I sometimes miss that touch of magic when I was so close to death. I also miss the, sometimes exaggerated, self-confidence, because it was as if I understood why our existence meant suffering.
"Already OK" challenges the dark spirit. He should strike even harder, should give everything he has... he can now take the lead again. Because I'm still far too well here, and there is still a little missing until I can completely dissolve.
Lyric translation:
You drive through the skin - I can feel you painfully
Take me by the hand - to lead me through the valley
You should never touch me like this again
All that remains is to lose myself in it
come on hit me - so that the pain goes away
Please beat me - so that the heart understands
Please hit me - not just from time to time
Hit me - to finally be free
beat me
beat me
beat me
No it doesn't hurt so much, it's okay
I know that nothing is missing here, it's ok
I've never really tortured myself, it's okay
It doesn't hurt so much anymore, it's okay
Creep out of my throat and speak the bad word
I miss the dream and the hold, I want to get away from here
but do all forget me in this strange place?
This question remains
Come on, hit me - I'm tired of waiting
Please hit me - with all the hard power
Please hit me - let me feel again
Hit me - you can now lead again
beat me
beat me
beat me
No it doesn't hurt so much, it's okay
I know that nothing is missing here, it's ok
I've never really tortured myself, it's okay
It doesn't hurt so much anymore, it's okay
(DE)
Die Feiertage sind nun vorbei und ich kann euch jetzt den wohl dunkelsten Song der letzten Jahre präsentieren.
Es gab eine Zeit in meinem Leben, in der ich unter so unglaublich starken Depressionen litt, dass ich mit aller Kraft versucht habe mich aufzulösen. Alles was mich hier hält, meine Kraft zu kämpfen, meine Wünsche und meine Liebe wollte ich nur noch eintauschen gegen eine komplette Ego-Auflösung. Ich konnte den Schmerz nicht mehr aushalten und deshalb wollte ich gar nichts mehr fühlen. Ich habe versucht zu sterben ohne zu sterben. Diesen Zustand durchlitt ich über Jahre, in vergeblicher Behandlung mit jeder Form von Antidepressiva die die Pharmaindustrie zu bieten hatte.
Es mag seltsam klingen, aber dieser damals so dominante Persönlichkeitsanteil durfte wirklich Abschied nehmen, nachdem all der Schmerz schließlich in einer echten Psychose endete. Ich kann mich nur noch dunkel an das erinnern, was mich damals ausgemacht hat, aber ich vermisse manchmal diesen Hauch von Magie, der mich durchdrang, wenn ich dem Tod so nah war. Auch vermisse ich das , sicher zum Teil übertriebene, Selbstbewusstsein, denn es war, als ob ich verstanden hätte, warum unser Dasein Leiden bedeutet.
"Schon OK" fordert den dunklen Geist heraus. Er möge noch härter zuschlagen, er solle Alles geben was er hat, er darf jetzt wieder die Führung übernehmen. Denn mir geht es hier noch viel zu gut, und es fehlt noch ein Wenig, bis ich mich völlig auflösen darf.
A picture from this time ...
Ein Bild aus eben dieser Zeit...
WOW, you had a heavy period in your life! Hope all is better at this stage. And you know what: They say those who suffer the most are able to create the best art. I certainly like this song.
Thanks a lot :)
Time's not easy but way better then back then!
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