I always feel left behind. While my mind is eager to wander around the concepts that made adulthood, my body is still a vessel of an non-changing teenager. It never changed, aside from the longer limbs and the tiny bumps and holes in my face. It was still the same face I prayed would change as time passes by in a blur. The same arms I wished would just fit perfectly on the sleeves of my polo shirts. I hate to see my clothes loose because I will then be reminded on how skinny I still was despite eating a lot. And with the realization, I will hate a lot of things, and itcludes the ever-changing people around me and the few archipelagos in my very own body that I loathed in front of my mirror; my loose skin, too big forehead, gaugy eyes that looked like it never slept, and deadly thoughts, literally and figuratively.
I had a thought that I'd die at seventeen. I always think about it surely whenever my body lay limp on the kitchen counter like a vegetable left to rotten. When my hair is still soaked and smelling of soap from the shower where I nearly tripped and fell because my vision starts to do a tango with the shrieking quitness from my earlobes. I always think about dying whenever my tears are mixed on my chicken soup to taste (because a non-poetic soup is bland) and my lungs are full because I already ate air as an appetizer. I already gasped for air at morning until my stomach displayed a bare wasteland that felt like churning and threatening to explode with my insides thrown and splathed all over my white-tiled floor where my soiled soles are making soil imprints. I just always feel like dying whenever my teeth is aching for it houses my childhood laughters and my childhood cavities and my childhood almost-forgotten secrets on its gaping holes. At seventeen, every muscle, every organ, every fiber of my body is aching. I have back pains like I have the weight of the universe on the curve of my spine, I puke profanities along with my breakfast at morning very often, and I bruise my knees more than thrice at afternoon because my disintegrating bones just start to weaken when I tend to forget to drink my spoiled milk in a carton box.
I can perfectly describe the state of my fermenting body at seventeen very well, and I surely am afraid to age a year older because by then, I'd have a few more reasons to feel like dying a little more. Im afraid I'd discover punctuated holes on my lungs when I gasp. That I'd traced a broken bone in my left arm and legs whenever I use them to brace my nighly falls from my bed. Im afraid im a few year weaker, a few year limper, a few year dying. And so at seventeen, I already had my death note pinned at the door of my unplugged refrigerator. My palms already felt every corner of my kitchen from my tiled kitchen countertop to the dark corners at the back of the stove where I burned my pasta and my suicide notes. At seventeen, my kitchen already suffered as much as I did for it also heats up when I burn in fury and it also crumbles like ruins as if it also ages a year older. But as I was still just dying, i will let myself lay limp, I'd let my soaked hair leave smudges and wet circles on my kitchen counter, I'd gasp for air and puke my too salty chicken soup on my smelly sink, and I'd let my teeth ache until my gums and mouth and soul numbs.
Being at the verge of seventeen could really suck. It is where realizations hit the hardest. Where the weight of the expectations of the people around you and your expectations for yourself weighs heavier than the will to live. I have always been a silent child, and opening up to people, even to people dear to me, is harder said than done. I cannot say my thoughts aloud. I cannot convey what is swarming in my mind very well on my tongue. I am a stuttering mess and is always afraid of judgements, so living with the thoughts deemed silly by a lot of sharp tongues at the age where we are expected to be ready for adulthood is not easy.
Writing, however, is easy. It is where my contained thoughts break free from its restraints. Where my consciousness sleeps when the outside world wears my strength. Where words becomes me.
Writing can save me.
A warchild unfolding the secrets of the universe in a timelapse. Annyeong Haseyo! This author is a dreamer. He goes by the name Cronus and is under the username @cronus.arthfael. He lives in Lake Wood, Philippines, and is a proud Bisaya. He likes to listen to music especially KPOP. Aside from fanboying to his favorite group acts, he also loves to read and Sci-fi and Romance are his favorite genres.
Cronus is a 17 year-old boy, who writes to not feel trapped in his very own emotions. Before discovering prose-poetry, he fancied writing short stories and haikus as a way to ease his boredom during the pandemic, and his interest about literature grew from there onwards. He also loves gaming. If given a PC or a phone with bigger storage, who knows, he might even become a pro!
His muse is Wong Kun-hang from the K-POP/C-POP boy group, WayV (Neo-Culture Technology sub-unit). Images from this blog are retrieved from @i_m_hendery on instagram. Lastly, this user likes to have interactions with people whom he shares the same interests with!
Welcome to Hive @cronus.arthfael!
I am impressed with your writing skill and how you write such a good, profound description about yourself.
There are plenty of communities that you can subscribe and learn how to navigate some of them as well.
I'm @tpkidkai 's onboarded two months ago so I would like to help you, too.
Have some !PIZZA
Thank you so much! I still have a lot to learn about Hive so your help would be very much appreciated ^^
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thank you for the badge ^^
You are welcome @cronus.arthfael! It is great to see you are doing your first steps! Great work!
You are welcome @cronus.arthfael! It is great to see you are doing your first steps! Great work!
welcome to Hive, my bro 🤩🤩🤩 glad to have another friend on board! goodluck sa atong journey.
thank you for introducing hive to me, tol!
if you still remember me, I'd really scream the hell outta my lungs, right babe @rks.wuhdrelis? anw, i am very happy that Arques is helping other writers as well to be here on board. welcome to Hive! I never thought you're still 17! i hope you'll enjoy expressing yourself and writing here.
ohh he knows you, babe! and a pleasure to help my friends always : D im proud of u both
he's i think the one i treated as a sibling noon kasi he had a mother sa rpw na nasa halcyon din? tapos i ano his mother like call her my mother too?
yes yes mother natin actually 🤣
MAY GC BAA KAYO SA HALCYON? 😭😭😭😭😭 I MISS EVERYONE KAHIT ANG TAGAL TAGAL NAAAA
yung gc lang na meron tayo lahat ay yung before lang din 😭 dead na un and same i miss them
hello, renee! i do remember you!!! i love your works kaya huhu like who woudn't?!
im also glad tol arq told me about hive! i also couldn't were both the same age, i always thought u were already 19-20 yrs old.
(sorry for the super late reply ngayon lang nagka-internet ulit)
nice meeting you, cronuss! i hope magkaclose tayo! gurang na talaga ako sa paningin ng iba dati pa man 😭😭😭 babe oh @rks.wuhdrelis
true, yun din first impression ko sayo babe. HSHWHWJWJJS hoping magkasuod mo!! andddd congrats sa new rep babe 😚
Hey @cronus.arthfael! This is @indayclara from the @ocd team. Congratulations and welcome to Hive!
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thank you for the warm welcome! pls let me know if i do make an offense without me knowing!