A glance back at my family after discovering what narcissistic abuse looks like and still battling with the idea of being a survivor while not knowing that I am autistic.
"THEY" told us to...
Learn, finish school, get a job, buy a car, move out on your own and learn about becoming financially independent to eventually buy a place of your own. Don't rush into marriage and kids before you can provide for and take care of yourself before having to provide for your own family. You hope and think that "THEY" will be the examples you can learn from because they are "raising" you.
As the very late and last born child to a family that is controlled covertly and manipulated by a narcissist matriarch, a very different example/tradition was provided. One that I failed to follow because of what "THEY" said we should do. I moved to another continent as part of my journey in growing up, before being tricked into coming back 5 years later.
I was in the position to see how narcissism has been passed along generationally from what seems to be before my grandparent's time, to my parents, my siblings, and ignorantly passed down to their kids, in pride. Yikes!
The traditions I observed with my relatives were...
To barely qualify for a job while trying to see if you can find your future wife before you own a car. Move her into your parent's house ASAP, so that they can see and learn how the matriarch controls and manipulates the males of the family.
Practice rounds of war erupt in a battle for control of that son. A few attempts are made at breaking away from the family that usually ends up in their return to the war zone. Narc control war practice resumes until the son can be pulled away from his familial support structure permanently, by what sounds an awful lot like "new mom". 🤢🤢🤢🤢
Marriages are made before mistakes are realised, etc.
Some attempts are/were made to break the cycle of narcissist control by catching them up to 14 years younger (at last roll call) and waiting just long enough for new wife to not be a teen mother any more, but not before moving her in for training by the matriarch, in how to handle her boy and messing up the plans to be the head of their own house one day?
The other danger of the "catch 'em young" approach is that just before the kids are grown, another child is had to maintain control of the bread winner. Exhibit A: Me!
None of the "siblings" in each generation are ever able to maintain any kind of a relationship, not without express permission from their minders and absolutely never with the one who calls everyone's bluff. Much like employers not allowing employees to discuss how badly they are being taken advantage of and invalid NDA's that only protect the abusers.
My grandparents got away too late to know better and moved away from their parents in Portugal, to other continents and countries. My father and uncles all repeated the cycle by moving away from their parents in Mozambique, to other continents and countries, "for the good of the family" who they can never spend amicable time with again. Seeing how conveniently I see how I landed up as the convenient scapegoat, with my much older siblings avoiding their parents with the same tactics that were used on us by our mother to get our father away from his support structure. Impulsively stupid decisions that they believe are their own "right" choices. Yet, I also see how all my nephews have perpetuated that very same vicious cycle of moving the future wife home for the mothers to turn them into little clones of themselves before they can break away with their own little cycle. Not that I was ever given a choice, but Who would have ended up with the parents if I had been turned into someone else's flying monkey?
I realised that here was no example of how to become independent, before believing that I should make those types of decisions, but I did know it wasn't to copy my family in the same ignorant fashion, even my autism didn't need help to get it. It clearly doesn't end well. I worked my way happily through it on my own by using them as examples of what not to do and then had the parents thrust on me because the others are now on pension with our parents. But, unlike them, our parents aren't stuck with grown kids who are still waiting for an example of independence from their parents, who cannot admit that they haven't yet figured it out for themselves. I can only wonder what the future daughters in law are learning, other than which buttons to press for the men to fight each other on behalf of their partners, who only gave them half truths and are nowhere near the danger zone they created. That way, no one gets to the the rest of the truth.
It was hard enough work not letting our mother break me as horribly as she did the rest of us and I am quite happy to say that I am still MORE than satisfied with my decision to not follow their examples. Not that she has one, but I'm glad that my conscience won't be trying to ignore the weight of leaving behind future generations of broken minds that were brought into this world by people who should have had therapy before telling themselves that they should have had babies before they grew up.
No one prepared me for anything and much to everyone's projected self dissatisfaction, I have proven to myself that I will be just fine on my own and I'm not afraid of when my mommy or mommy wife aren't around to monitor that I am bathing well enough.
My forced compliance as a minor was exactly that, forced compliance, not the submission of my mind. Survival mode got me through. No, was a word I understood before I realised I was my own person and that it isn't my surname. They aren't used to not getting their way and "cut me out of their family" as a form of punishment when free kiddie uber became expensive to me, but, punishment by exclusion only works if you didn't know that you never were part of anything to them. LOL!
I was secretly very grateful to not be considered part of what seemed very wrong to me.
It spares me ever having to say, "no" to them and it gives them a lot of time to look into the future, which only helps if you learnt from the past. 👽👽👽👽
This isn't a me thing.