A 999 call was made yesterday by a man on a boat, in extreme pain.
First aiders arrived on the scene via inflatable dingy, to find a man using a damp sock to stem heavy bleeding from his groin area. He was rushed to hospital by air ambulance for emergency treatment.
Reporters from @TheRealNewsFeed were the first to arrive at the hospital to ask questions, and managed to sneak into the patient’s room by posing as electricians.
“I’ve been a transgender man for three years now” explained Anthony, 34, as reporters unscrewed his lightbulb and encouraged casual conversation. “I decided to go out to sea, catch some fish, and think about my life so far as a man. Unfortunately, my yacht ran out of power, and I was stranded. My mobile phone said ‘Emergency Calls Only’, so I was forced to spend three days catching fish and eating them raw.”
Anthony soon ran out of bait, and did not know how to survive. He was forced to turn to desperate measures.
“I’ve enjoyed my last three years as a man” said Anthony, “and I’ve had some very special times with my penis. But I had a choice to either spend one last day as a man, or to eat one last fish. I chose the fish.”
Unfortunately, after chopping off his penis, a freak wave hit the side of his boat, and snatched his penis from his hands before he could hook it up to his fishing line. Divers spent hours searching the ocean for Anthony’s missing phallus, but found nothing.
“At least I can return to being a woman now” said Anthony, contemplating his future. “I think I’ll keep the male name, and the beard. But I’m going to ask surgeons to give me a vagina once more. I miss that.”
Reporters were ushered out of the room by senior hospital staff, who had noticed that they did not actually know how to change the light bulb at all.