Politically, I've always been an Independent. My far-right friends call me a liberal fruitcake. My liberal fruitcake friends call me "capitalist swine." Me? I just like to dance.
What I'm about to write actually happened insofar as it sprung from my head like Athena from Zeus'. I work with a man who is ordinarily a good dude, the kind who would give you the shirt off his back, not that I could wear it because it's XXXXXXL. He's big, the kind of big you get by considering M&Ms your fourth food group.
One morning I came into work and he did something that really bothered me. It was the day after the Parkland shooting, and he brought in a big NRA mug and set it down on his desk. I thought this was in poor taste, so the next day I brought in my mug.
In case you don't know, ITMFA is an anit-Trump slogan which stands for Impeach the Mother Fucker Already. He didn't know what it meant, so there was no conflict. Then he asked me what it meant, and I said, "It's an anti-Trump slogan that means 'Impeach the Mother Fucker Already.'"
Well, he didn't like that, not one bit. So the next day, he brings in a box of 40 caliber rounds and put it next to his mug. The day after that, I brought in a framed picture of my ass with his likeness tattooed on it. I think he smelled what I was cooking because the next day he brought salad tongs that he called "testicle crushers."
Oh, it was on.
I said, "Let's cut the bullshit. I want to see how tough you are. Let's have a Tough Man competition." He said, "You're on," or "You're dang tootin'," or something like that.
The next day after work, we met at an old soccer field with our buddy Sven who was there to take pictures.
"You ready, Hillbilly-boy?" I taunted.
"Hillbilly? I grew up in Northeast Philly, brah" he said.
We started with "six-inches" which is a game where you put your fist six inches from the other person and then punch them as hard as you can. Then we used our heads to break dishes. The competition followed like this:
- Rectal exams at the school for the blind
- Read all Ann Coulter's books
- Try to broker peace in Syria
- Peter-pulling contest
- Hang yourself with your own colon
I won the toss, so I cut off his head with a knife. We only had plastic utensils, so I took a long time. Then I yelled "Allah Akbar!" as I was doing it, just as a goof. Well, dummy Sven posted it on 4chan and I was arrested, classified as a terrorist, and sent to Gitmo. As I write this, I'm making the floor slick with my own feces so the guards slip and fall down so I can make my escape. It's slow going because I no longer have a colon.
What I can't figure out, though, is who won the Tough Man competition. You know, when all is said and done, this was the worst part of it. That's a picture of us. If you notice, our buddy Sven is half hard while watching. What's that all about?
Not a contest submission
Politics brings us all together.
Is this a contest entry?
No.
You both woulda done REAL well as members of the Brainbombs. No wait, your musical ability might have you severely overqualified.
NRA Football RULES!!!