Ever try zooming in on fixed lettering like a book or magazine the same way you do your phone?
I do that sometimes—try to enlarge text with the same thumb / finger combo I use to enlarge text on my phone only to realize it's a got dang magazine!
How embarrassing.
Looks around; side to side and behind right quick like I got a good racist joke..
...
I don't think anyone noticed, sweet! Reminder to self: magazines don't do that. Continued reading like nothing happened, is it ok to say that?
(Good racist joke)
Better than a bad one, I guess. iHeart shitty racist jokes said no one ever. To be fair, maybe they're neither good nor bad and to label it either / or is prejudice.
Suppose I could've just said joke with no adjectives. Definitely can't say gay joke. Or at least I'm pretty sure you can't say gay joke. I don't even think you can say happy joke without pissing off the gay community. I said off—o.f.f.
A couple letters are all that separate ha! / hate!
Fat's still socially acceptable in '24. They even made it cool depending how you spell it. We hardly ever see fat shaming in the headlines anymore anyway. Totally should've gone with fat—nice, descriptive, universally recognized adjective even white chicks and black dudes can agree on.
Good fat joke.
Alright, let's go with that. Forget everything I just said. From the top in three...
Two..
Ever try zooming in on fixed lettering like a book or magazine the same way you do your phone?
I do that sometimes—try to enlarge text with the same thumb / finger combo I use to enlarge text on my phone only to realize it's a got dang magazine!
How embarrassing.
Looks around; side to side and behind right quick like I got a good fat joke..
...
Where I'm from, ladies wear bikinis year round. In The South, they put bbq sauce on everything.
(Good call going with a not gay one)
So, anyway, I'm at the car dealership waiting while they service the car. Thumbing through a magazine, sipping coffee, flipped the page and saw off-road accessories. Zoomed in on available tire sizes before instantly recalling it's a got dang magazine with zoom resistant text! Looks around..
...
I don't think anyone noticed, sweet! Reminder to self: magazines don't do that. Continued reading like nothing happened when my phone vibrated. It's my wife.
Yeessssss?
I said quietly in seductive voice while avoiding drawing attention to myself cuz she might be in the mood and I hate missed opportunities.
False alarm.
She's at the market. Sounds urgent:
Hurry! I'm about to check out, can you think of anything we need from the store?!
I can. The baby needs meat. We call Atlas the baby, she's the year and half old German Shepherd Dog I haven't shut up about. We call her all kinda things: Biggest, Dudakis, WinerPants, so many I can't remember them all but she'll always be the baby. We have no kids. She's not a child, obviously, but when Pura or myself says 'the baby,' there's no confusion who we're talking about. So, anyway, she needs meat.
Turkey or beef only. Chicken and pork do unspeakable things to her.
That, and I need crackers but they're not actually called crackers, they're called golden rounds but no one calls them golden rounds, either, because they're store specific—Pura's there now. I'm a big fan of humus, like to keep a couple different flavors on standby and Rittz crackers suck! They're fragile like gen-z, humus kicks their ass every time. So, anyway, auto dealership.
There's about 10 of us in there waiting together in a customer waiting room designed to accommodate around 20 people max. It's not uncomfortable, just slightly crowded. Occasionally a mumbled conversation is overheard. One lady's reading a book, another's on her laptop, the rest are staring at their phone except one dude. He's taking notes.
= }
It's quiet. And white. Reeaaal white. You'll understand why that's significant in a minute. We're in The South right now. I've mentioned before how white it is here but white-white like Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene procreated.
Zoomed in on tires, dammit!! It's a magazine! Hope no one saw me. Pura's calling.
Yeessssss?
Hurry! I'm about to check out, can you think of anything we need from the store?!
What I didn't realize was, when I said yeessssss all hush-hush, quiet and discriminate like that, it really aroused curiosity in the waiting room. They're paying extra close attention to me now, all 10 of them. I didn't know that..
...
Crackers and baby meat.
Hehe - they're all listening 😂.
I put my boyfriend on speakerphone in the hairdressers and the whole room went quiet wondering if he would let me down/show me up. I swear they might even have frozen mid-cut until I hung up, then they all breathed out and my hairdresser said to me, "you were brave".
How's your knee? Looks like you're getting around and into trouble without even trying. 🤗
Awwwe, I resemble that remark.
Wait, you did what now, pushed play?
Really cool you asked. I'm told I'm progressing nicely. It's encouraging. Physical Therapy released me on Monday, that's a good sign. My surgeon is pleased, very positive and optimistic. Much appreciate you keeping up with me but boyfriend what?
Who's they? I hope you're saying what I think you are. <3
Thank you.
I'm so pleased to hear. You were waiting a long time.
Good greetings, I'm a first time caller on your post.
This certainly is what some call whiling away time writing. So many jokes all in one blog, some too specific for some readers to decode.
It became increasingly suspense filled ,as if anything could be said, even Donald Trump's name found it's way in.🙂
So, well I traced you to thank you for picking some interest in my latest blog and giving it a positive accent. Thanks, I do not take such things for granted.
Much regards sir.
Most welcome, it's my pleasure. I was scrolling through recent releases when I found you, glad you posted when you did, good timing.
Learned a long time ago so long as they're laughing, I can say anything I want even about quack Donald Duck.
Oh okay, the timing. Still glad you chose mine.
Erm excuse me please, when you say "new releases", what medium do you use to spot them? You check random tribes or what?
Yeah,the one serving humour indeed has some liberties, eventhough I'm lost on the Donald Duck remark.
Thanks for your reply, nay, your pleasant reply actually.
Regards sir.
Cheers.
That's not a post.
That's a work of art.
Outstanding piece of thinking, Sir 👏🏼
Very clever you!
Awwwe. Thank you more than THIS, Nic!
I made a pecan pie the other day, first time,
never baked anything in my life. I can scratch that off.In case you're wondering.
Fuck I want an oven and I want to bake!
But I'm still working on that. Um... do you do deliveries?
My move to bakerville has been postponed.
I'm making art instead. Writing again after that.
Seeing you all the time in between here for sure.
I hope you're healing, angel.
Did I say pecan? I meant, humble. Can never have too much.
What are you working with, stove top only? Stovetop and microwave? What about a grill, got one of those? You have a countertop type convection or substitute or...? Is this too many questions? How long you been ovenless like that? What about now?
Well Pecan isn't humble at all. Very expensive around here! Nuts.
You'd think they'd be cheap cheap because so many nuts around here and supply and demand and all that! :D
Yes. Best to stay humble. It's less terrifying than free falling without a parachute. Been there. Done that. A lot! And remind myself every moment now. I hope...
No oven since April 2017. Bit sad for a someone who enjoys cooking and wants to learn cake art. And confectionary. But I'll get there and confectionary doesn't need an oven. Ingredients are not affordable right now though. An expensive hobby!
I have a microwave. A toaster. A snackwhich thingy. And a two plate stove. Not mine.
And an electric Wok that works on fucking hot, or completely off, that my mom gave me as a birthday present in my twenties :) Thirty odd years this things been going.
They don't make 'em like they used to!
Did you bake that?! 👀
Guy taking notes jots down:
dude in corner trying to zoom in on magazine
answers phone with yessssss, baby needs meat
only person worth writing about in the room
Also, did you give me a raise? If so, thanks!
It's pure greed on my part, no closet crow tabooness or anything.
Kaw!
Turned up a couple of you most deserving you know whats. My curation went from 10-14HP/day to as much as 21 now.
Most welcome. <3
Thank you.
My heart is warmed by your self-interested motivations. 😊 Glad to know that my content could benefit others in ways I could never have imagined. Wow. I earn other people money.
Oh wait. I forgot. That's just capitalism. Damn it.
Say hi to the baby for me.
I love ritz crackers, because they are so soft and crumbly. Not with humus though. Yuck!
Nope. I never tried zooming in on a magazine photo. I hardly ever remember to zoom in on anything, anywhere, unless someone who is paying attention to me notices my squinting while I try to see, and reminds me that zooming in is a thing. I'm old like that.
Speaking of seeing, I got new glasses. They have corrected my double vision (which really sucked), but are coke bottle thick. Can I say that? Am I shaming old people or near-sighted people by saying that?
How's the knee?
You sure are good at nice comments.
Hello. Progressing nicely. Had my 6-week check up yesterday, my surgeon is happy and PT dismissed me Monday. Really cool of you to ask.
Did you get the anti-glare / transition coke bottles? I just got a new pair myself. I need to take them back. It makes all the dark colored vehicles on the road change colors depending which angle you're looking. I got about another month to take them back, need to do that.
Mhm, shhhuurr, and I don't try to zoom in on the go-pro ALL THE TIME. = }
Thank you, neighbor.
What can I say? Your posts inspire me.
Good news about your knee. Seems like a very speedy recovery if PT is over. How's the pain and use? PT lets us go at 80% I understand. I always paid out of pocket for more PT to make sure I was 100%.
I got EVERYTHING lenses. Transition for UV protection, blue light protection, special lens thinning, special reflective reduction, lens scratching protection, insurance, and, this time, prisms to stop the double vision. About two years ago, I noticed there were two performers on a stage where there was only supposed to be one. Then I noticed there were two identical men crossing a far away bridge when everyone else with me only saw one. Of course, I thought I must have a deadly brain tumor, so I ignored it. Then my sister told me she had double vision and got special glasses for it, so off to the opthamologist I went. Turns out, double vision is all the rage now, and pretty easy to correct. I can drive at night again, and don't have to close one eye to see, or take my glasses off to read.
It's a good thing I live in hillbilly country now, where lenses are less than half the price I had to pay in an urban area.
Some people pay a lot of money to do that. Just joking.
Ok, totally not!
My therapist and my surgeon both complimented my work ethic actually, I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I'm progressing ahead of their expectations. I attribute most of it to I'm still in my 40's but I'm also gimping around the gym on a cane—determined. Thanks more than THIS for noticing.
Now I'm outta character again, danget. See what your glasses do to me?!
I kinda get into getting well again, too. I can't understand folks who don't. Glad to hear it's going so well, I was a bit worried after that first (last?) post about it. It sounded really bad. Well done!
Guilty. I experienced a couple curve balls lately that sent me down some dark places. It's nice to see the bright side again. Thanks for hangin in there.
I'd so rather catch a comedy special than a ______________.
cold? I suck at jokes.
Good to hear you are out driving and obviously walking around. Hope the recouping is coming along alright. I know it takes awhile to get back to 'normal'. No thumb spreading for me as I'm old and I just whip out my big eye...erm, magnifying glass lol. Race jokes, fat jokes, religion jokes and yes, even old fart jokes are all on the table as far as I'm concerned. Too much political correctness in the world today and it's beginning to stink :D Good thing you're keeping the baby in meat!
That's two of you who commented on my recovery. I hope you know how much I appreciate that. Ok, going back in character now.
Glad it's not just me. Even #tagged funny and joke in case a softie stopped by and got all negative review on me.
Everywhere, it seems, or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places but it seems like sorrow is outweighing humor. Doesn't have to be that way. <3
Thank you.
😂😂😂 the feeling of walking into a bank. I read, and pushed it out. However, my mind didn't as it kept reminding me of the words read earlier.
"Please, don't stare at me." 😂😂😂
This is one of those times I need something better than thank you. Original material, know what I mean, gratitude that resonates.
Yeah 😃. You did really well.
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She owns each of them. SmartyPants is another one. Quite a few have pants actually.
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