"Concerns over the harmful impact the incident may have on our image and sales."
Breda, the Netherlands, October 29 - The aftermath of Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar's ignominious death at the hands of fresh Israeli trainees almost two weeks ago has caused consternation to the company that manufactures the candy that the soldiers found in the terrorist chief's pockets, calling into question the wisdom of the firm's arrangement to advertise its flagship product by associating it with such a prominent international personality.
Perfetti Van Melle, makers of the Mentos brand of hard-shelled, chewy-core candies, released internal documents today disclosing some misgivings among the company's board of directors regarding the choice of Sinwar as a brand ambassador, especially in light of the negative publicity effects that many executives believe deserved greater scrutiny prior to selecting him for the role, should he come to a grisly, undignified end - as in fact he did, dying not in a blaze of valorous glory but almost by accident, wounded in an impromptu firefight with IDF personnel, and feebly trying to ward off a surveillance drone by using his non-injured arm to throw a stick at it before Israeli gunfire dispatched him.
"We have concerns over the harmful impact the incident may have on our image and sales," read one memo. "Perhaps no one could foresee the specific scenario that resulted in the death of our brand ambassador. However, the nature of his career and habits should, we believe, have prompted closer, more critical, examination of the ramifications of the likely circumstances of his demise, whether sooner or later."
IDF soldiers did not know the armed man they saw running into a building with two others was the Hamas leader; they only confirmed his identity through forensic tests conducted on his disfigured corpse after the brief battle. His personal effects included tens of thousands of dollars in cash, a fake United Nations relief worker ID card, a passport, and a package of Mentos. Perfetti Van Melle entered into the ambassadorship agreement with Sinwar only three weeks ago. At the time, several executives boasted of the arrangement, which dislodged a rival brand from the coveted product placement niche.
"We must institute more robust review procedures ahead of any future brand ambassador arrangements go forward," a second memo read. "Our brand image cannot sustain many more blows of this magnitude, certainly not in combination with the cumulative effects of the partnerships we only recently ended with Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs and with Jeffrey Epstein."
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