SINGLE MOMMIES-TRIPLE DUTIES

I've been a single mom for almost 7 years now and it was really hard and heavy responsibility, it was my choice so I have to deal with it. My daughter was just four years old then when me and her dad got separated, I can't stand anymore how mama's boy he was and how irresponsible he is to take care of us. It was in the mid September 2010 when I left him, I am third year college then. I stayed in my parents house and they helped me to look over for my child. It was never easy but I learned to let go. I am happy, I feel so relieved. Though for my child it was the saddest part of her life, I know someday she'll understand. And she did.

Now, she's ten years old, very cool and happy kid. She's already a grown up girl and I can't imagine how I manage to raise her all by myself. Of course, thanks to my mom and dad for the full support. They didn't gave up at me. The love they had for me was the same they had for my child, actually, my daughter is getting more and I am happy about it. I disappointed them but they never disappoint me. After all my mistakes, they embrace me with wide open arms. Meanwhile, being a single parent is somehow a privilege yet a burden for me at the same time. Privilege in a way I free myself from headaches, disappointment, madness, abused and trauma from my live-in partner. A burden as well since I have to take all the responsibility as a parent, financially and physically.

Across the industrialized world, about 15.9 percent of children live in single-parent households. Divorce, accidental pregnancies and single parenting by choice are now the leading reasons for the rising number of single parents.

According to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD, 2014):

● 17% of children aged 0-14 live in single parent households worldwide
● Women head approximately 88% of these households
● Contrary to popular belief, the majority of single parents are employed
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Meanwhile, from the Philippines itself, data from National Statistics Office indicate that more than 37 percent of the 1.8 million babies born in the Philippines in 2008—at least 666,000—had unmarried mothers, representing a worrying increase of over 12 percent from the previous year and an upswing that has become a trend in recent times.

Is this means when you are a single parent you have a triple duties? How can we deal with our frustrations and how can we manage our time with our children, our work plus the financial struggles?

I have some list of those common single mom like me who struggles in so many ways and of course some point of view on how I overcome it, I hope it will inspire all single mom's out there.

Pressure in Decision Making

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Single parents bear the weight of all of those tough calls—where to go to school, which friends are okay, or when a child is mature enough for a new privilege or responsibility—alone. The emotional burden for me sometimes makes me feel down. Not only that, everyday you're feeling worried if you are doing things right, is my decision acceptable for my child or does she really understand the situation? There are so many what if's and advanced thoughts in my mind. Each decision we made are aligned to their future. If we do it correctly or made some mistakes, it will always have an impact to them so we better be thinking a thousand of times before we drop our decisions.

Important Factors
Ask for guidance or advise from your love ones. Find a support form your family or friends. Make a checklist so you can weigh your decision and to easily identify the pros and cons. Always consult your decision with others so you can collect other's point of view. If we will just defend on ourselves we might overlook the main goal so better seek help if you needed to.

Guilty or Not?

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The moment I left him I keep asking myself if my decision was right. Is it right to destroy the family we had? Is this the only way I can choose or is it not a betrayal for my child's part? I knew to myself I cannot compromise at all. I knew to myself I wasn't happy at all. But if leaving him will set me free from sadness, it is right to exchange my child's needs to have a complete family? No, because I believe it will be more difficult for her if she keeps seeing us arguing and fighting.

I admit at first I was guilty. I feel so ashamed when people asking me "where's her dad?" I feel ashamed when we are not complete attending her school family activities. I feel sorry for her seeing her classmates with their mom and dad. I know she's wondering. I know part of her is missing, I know she hopes and wishing to have a complete family. Later on, I survived that. I learned to accept the reality and embraced all the opportunity. I learned to build my confidence and stand high for my kid. As time goes by, she learned it to. Always remember, what your kids see at you, they will adopt it too.

Important Factors
Acceptance is the key factor for you to move on. By learning it, all the positive thoughts will comes out and things will be fall to its place again. A clear mind will bring you to a clear path.

SELF ISOLATION

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Part of feeling guilty is to isolate yourself from others. I was hesitant to hangout with my friends to avoid a Q & A about my separation. It gets me annoyed actually, each person I met keeps asking "what happened?", "I heard...", "I feel sorry for you" blah blah blah. C'mon, it won't give any relief instead you're just making me recalling everything. So I distanced myself for a several months just to make sure everyone will forget about it hahaha! And it works, it healed. I moved on and everyone does the same. After sometime I decided to go out again, meeting new and old friends, I engaged myself in more activities in school and in my organization. I spend my time with my kid, being a father and a mother at the same time. I found peace and harmony. I was totally re-born.
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Financial Strain

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Single moms often hang in limbo waiting for child support that never arrives or paying attorneys to pursue what should be paid. There always seems to be a little less in the checking account than what your kids need. While you can’t control others (like my ex-live-in-partner), you can control your own decisions and get organized and intentional about how you handle your money to lessen the stress. First thing to do is to FIND A JOB. Any kind of work that will give you earnings whether you choose to be an employee or running a business that will fit your expertise. Aside from being employed, always find a way to have an extra income. There are so many options you can find in the internet which will surely give you ideas, in this way you are enjoying and earning at the same time.

Important Factors
As much as possible, find a job that will suits your time with your kids so it won't cause any troubles in the future. For example, working as a call center agent is not a good options since the work schedules are tight specially if you fall to night shift. Work schedule is very important so you can maximize your time with your kids as well. Find a job where the company is a family oriented that supports single-parenthood. Nowadays. there are several companies who allowed bringing their children at work (my previous company in NGO supports single-parenthood, they allotted a room for kids to hangout.)

TIME MANAGEMENT

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The fact that we often feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually worn out is not just our imagination. But because our kids depend on us, we can’t afford to push ourselves past a certain point. We must take care of ourselves and our health in order to be there for them.

Important Factors
Find ways to take a breather, even if we have to swap out child care with another single parent to make it happen. Spend that time recharging in some way that will continue to pay benefits when the busyness kicks back in: with exercise, spiritual growth, or good, old-fashioned sleep. Take a look at these quick and easy energy boosters for ideas! It’s not selfish to maintain the engine that keeps your home running--- You.

I've been beaten many times
I've crawled all around
Every time I lift up
I keep slipping on the mud

I tried to run away
I looked back and you stared
Those tiny eyes full of tears
Keep sobbing with fears

I went back and grab you
But someone is pulling you
They don't want to give you
I stand firm and fight for you

Grey skies turned to blue
And its all because of you
You light my room, spread love
from my heart that was broken apart.

In the end it's you and me
In the end we will always be
Mother and child through thick and thin
No matter what comes whithin

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