Me too. Took me 14 years of apologizing for spanking my boy before i got some peace. I was the only one in his life who protected him, but then he acted out, trying to vent all of the bad things that had been done to him, i saw it as disobedience and beleived that if i didnt spank him he would somehow become a criminal. I know it makes no sense. Its what fear and stupidity did for me.
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Very few of us were taught or really even allowed to make thinking for ourselves a habit. School and traditional parenting are all about compliance and obedience so I understand feeling badly - I certainly do - but to some extent it's only to be expected considering the years we are conditioned to just carry on the same old way.