Bi Polar can be exciting to say the least. This is very personal to me but maybe it'll help some, and entertain others... Feel free to read.
i don’t know what to write here but my buddy madillorama wants me to write for this new website. he says my story is unique.
Im pretty picky who I share my story with though.
OK, first things first, Dorito is a nickname.
my first question to you is, What single word in the english language would you say is the most significant?
think about it.
. Balance .
Thats what I would say if asked.
My next question, would you dress up as a clown for your nieces birthday party when the planned one could not attend? I would, because really what is there to be embarrassed about? you made your niece smile and laugh? sounds like a good day.
And see if you would have asked me that last question 7 days ago, my answer would have been the same yet i would have been terrified to do so and probably would have smoked a big bowl of weed out of one of my home made pipes (I recently started glass blowing, I believe every human being needs a passion that challenges them aimed at nothing but pure enjoyment and creativity). I wouldn’t smoke to get stoned, but rather just to curb the intense anxiety I feel around the energy of others. It would help the task of dressing as a clown to be simple and not a big deal, as when i feel ‘down’ even the simplest minor task can feel like it takes every ounce of my energy and cause my brain to race while my body is exhausted.
I was diagnosed bi polar last summer, and even having spent 7 weeks in the psych ward last summer i still don’t really quite know what it means. I honestly view ‘it’ as a gift. Recently i had been continuously exhausted, waking up groggy afraid if i close my eyes again ill wake up 2 hours later. My life was void of feeling, this was not new. Ive realized now i have spent a lot of my recent life living this way. Going about my life not feeling emotion, completely uncomfortable where I am, missing the pride i know i have deep down. Last summer this all changed.
I led an ok diet through a lot of my life, but frequently had sugar binges/ slurpees/gatorades etc to function throughout the day. especially after a lil toke ;p
i never really thought too much about it… everyone does.
-random fact: 1822 - Americans consume 45g of sugar every 5 days
2012 - that number has changed to 756 g.
I have dealt with stomach problems much of my adult life, was growing continuously nauseous at times, and was tired of being continuously exhausted from work everyday and spending every night feeling ‘nothing’ so i was finally ready to take a new approach as me trying to avoid acidic food wasn’t working well enough. I had always been intrigued by the thought of seeing a naturopath but never really got up the urge to go. One day while gassing up my truck with my friend nolan at 7-11 i left the nozzle in my ride as i went in and bought a large pepsi slurpee. After purchasing it i found myself pissed off because the 7-11 pepsi slurpee just didn’t hold a candle to the macs pepsi, so i hop in my truck and continue to bitch about the slurpee to nolan, putting my truck in gear and the going forward only to realize i had forgot to take the hose out so i ripped the the nozze hose and all off the pump. quite embarrassing to be honest, i had been noticing for quite some time that i could not focus or keep my mind on task at times, and this was the final straw. Something wasn’t right with me.
I forget how it came about but i got a suggestion of a naturopath to see from my friend jessie. She’s always had such a good spirit i figured if she said he was legit and helped her, it was worth it for me. I made the appointment, as soon as i met the man i felt his energy. He was playing guitar in his waiting area and everything about this man was just smooth and welcoming, i had mentioned that i play some guitar so he asked me to play something. Even though Ive been playing guitar for like 15 years or so (with no training so i don’t really know anything about music itself) I still don’t consider myself a pro by any means and find myself getting intimidated by actual musicians, but i played anyways and he said he enjoyed it. He had a human sized ohm meter that would measure my resistance to things. He had come to the conclusion that my adrenal glands weren’t functioning properly anymore, that i had run them dry. He then prescribed me on a Hypoglycemic diet, and 2 other simple herbal pills.
I felt inspired from this man, and was excited that maybe i had a reason for my nausea at times but mostly i was excited to try and get my adrenals pumping again! I followed his advice to a T, i switched to only eating as many complex carbs as i could with lots of protein.
Ok side note, whats everyones opinion on plain old fashioned refined sugar….
I believe it is the highest used drug in the world, especially in the western world. Don’t get me wrong i partake too, but if I’m living my routine life i try and limit using it to my morning coffee and i often hammer down a sugar binge to make me pass out at night. Other than that i stay away from it like the plague.
I also decided not to use marijuana at all during the day until after 9 pm, i wanted to be in the right mindset to know how i felt. My life changed within 3 days…
I was BURSTING with energy, I would jump out of bed in the morning immediately doing pushups. Then id continue to make a smoothie for me and my dog. At this time i had done some research about glucosamine and really didn’t like the idea of crushed up crab shells and fish bones being fed to my dog. I mean, is it normal to feed your human baby crushed up bones to help their joints? So i actually integrated my diet into my dogs life and he loved it! It made me feel so connected to him knowing that our “machines” were running on the exact same fuel. Different species, same energy.
soon after i bawled my eyes out one night going to bed…
so this is what its like to feel, to be living in the moment of now. to be using your brain as you live. I was always an intelligent kid, but i wondered why i wasn’t one of the smart kids anymore. I believe my brain had just been in survival mode and i only had enough energy to function not to think. I thank my diet for changing this. This trend continued for about a week. July 28th i seen a post a friend had on Facebook exclaiming how good the movie pixels was, “Pixels was insane!” i think were his words. So me and my roommate / friend since kindergarten decided to go to it that night, it was good he was usually up for anything unlike me it had got to the point i wouldn’t do anything unless my mood was just right. I hated doing things when i wasn’t feeling anything, it annoyed me when purely joyful experiences gave me nothing. On the way to the movie we noticed a homeless looking man throwing out some type of candy on the sidewalk. It looked like he was planting seeds, very similarly to the way i scattered my own ID out on the highway the next day. I found it funny too because i noticed my naturopath in the movie lineup behind me and i pointed him out to my friend.
The movie was amazing. I find adam sandler actually to be a genius in his own way sometimes haha (and actually one guy i think is too brilliant for his own good is seth mcfarlane, there are so many levels to his jokes that poke fun at absolutely everything in this world). I felt so much energy sitting in my seat, it felt like it was surging through me and i was pushing it right back. And while my memory is very vivid during this whole experience, so that is why it puzzles me I’m pretty sure the movie became distorted while watching it so I took my 3d glasses off and focused and made it clear… odd i know.
Then things got a lil crazy :)
Here is the letter i sent ICBC.
Everything that I remember from July 29, 2015
I hadn't slept much if at all the night before, I had been getting less and less sleep it had seemed like leading up to this day.
I was up most of the night researching Japanese culture and their life and in the morning I had an urge to take out my ac unit. I acquired the help of my room mate when he was up to help me remove it. I had then texted my boss to see if it was cool that I drove to meet him at work that day instead of meeting him at the shop which was the usual. I took this extra time to play with my dog and remember thinking about how concrete was made and raked a path in my back yard thinking that if I alternated walking between fine rocks, mud and grass in between I could make my own 'concrete shoes' persay but remember thinking that it would take forever so I gave up.
The day prior I had brought my dog jax to art knapps to buy a bonsai tree for my friend Darren for his birthday. The current day was Darren's birthday. Prior to leaving for work I gathered my dog jax and this bonsai tree. We had left to head to the west side, then I felt compelled to go to big white. On this drive I remember stopping to help a man that had car troubles, but that he did not want any help. I carried on, stopping by a road sign and left a western shirt (my mom had made and given to me for a birthday present 7 years prior) on a road sign. I continued driving but then felt the urge and changed my mind and decided I needed to drive out to kettle river where we had camped a couple weeks prior.
then again stopping beside the road and this time feeling the need to spread my ID/wallet belongings etc around on the road. Then I kept driving until I came to a turn off on a logging road, I decided to take this turn. I came across 2 pairs of underwear and one had feces in them. I took a bottle of water I had and washed what I could of the underwear. I then continued driving down this logging road opened all my doors and windows because the airflow felt better on me. I had stopped to clean out my pickup and had taken out everything i didn't care about (old video game case, garbage etc) and had left it there on the logging road . At this point I put things I did care about, like the life jacket I had bought for my dad (from atmosphere store the day before) and my skateboard, etc in my back seat. it was at this point I removed all my clothes and had used my bike tailgate pad as a front cushion in my pickup. It was perfect because the latch slot worked great as a little holder/ seat belt for my bonsai tree. I continued on driving and had put in in 4 wheel drive having fun and then I got stuck. I had found a hackey sack in my pick up, at this point I lifted up the bonsai tree and placed the hackey sack beneath the tree in its pot.
I think this would have been close to 9-930 am. At this point I had left my pickup while it was still running to go hiking with my dog. I started on my way naked with my dog and my bonsai tree. I had originally started the hike with a little I pod and a green Bluetooth speaker that was the size of a shotgun shell. I got about 100 feet away from my pickup but then I had to go back to my pickup to leave my iPod and speaker in it. So then I started hiking "little white" I think it was.... And about 10-15 min into my hike I heard 2 or 3 explosions, not knowing what they were. I carried on my hike following a creek with my dog and bonsai tree until I was at the right spot and planted the bonsai tree in the creek. I almost hiked to the top of little white that day, I passed two 4 wheelers that day on the trail while completely naked... With them saying 'hmm good day for a hike at least!'. It would have been around noon that I had almost reached the top of little white then decided that was far enough and headed down. I remember hearing helicopters at this time but weren't sure if they were searching for me or what they were doing but I felt like the helicopter wouldn't fly right if I was near it so I tried to stay clear of it. I followed the creek until I found some forestry pumps and followed the pumps til I heard people. Through out this i had found lots of marking ribbon hanging in the trees. At this point I remember tying a ribbon around my waist like a belt, a ribbon around my ring finger, and a ribbon around my forehead (I honestly thought my hair was growing back that day).
I sent my dog out to meet the fire woman first as I knew me coming out naked would startle them. I remember speaking with the firemen and one of them had actually worked for concrete creations (the company I currently work for) before as I remember thinking it was a small world. Then the cat operator came and I mistook him for my dad at first. The fireman gave me water and snacks and at this point introduced me to the police officer. The fireman gave me some clothes and the cop took me and my dog in his car to go meet the ambulance and get checked out.
At this point I had to leave my dog with the cop, I felt very scared then realized I could trust the police man to take my jax home to Nolan my friend since kindergarten and room mate. I had a very calm ride down to the hospital with the paramedic and things all go very fuzzy once I had taken medication at the hospital. I believe I was given atavan at this point and I remember it screwing with my brain, but I'm not sure on what drug it was they had gave me. My memory of that day is very vivid until I reached the hospital. Everything I have said is 100% true, you have my word. There is a police investigation as to the cause of the fire. While I know it was a mistake to leave my pickup running unattended, I have no idea as to what led my truck to be demolished that day. That is the honest truth, I am not trying to take advantage of anyone. It was a really weird day all around... And I spent the next 3 weeks hospitalized trying to fix my brain.
The hospital was a hard place. Here i was, feeling “woken up” from the slumber that i didn’t even know my life had become.
I didn’t want to slow down.
I made business plans, i drew house plans, i wrote songs, i practiced piano, i read about health, i was feasting for knowledge.
-side note, has anyone heard of this google site?! any human in this world can gain the knowledge that someone else has put the time acquiring, just by writing the exact question you want answered in the search bar. I find this to be one of the most amazing/abused privileges we have as humans. It bugs me when people say they don’t know how to do something, before even putting any research in. Humans are amazing people and i now that i realize all of our brains are at different speeds. Fuck am i excited if this steemit thing can take off. Imagine if all the brilliant minds in this world could reach the stability where they could focus their life on creation for the greater good? I mean like id rather the world be more excited about sustainable energy then futile things like “oh my good, metallic reflection nail polish?!!!!! i can see my reflection in my tiny little fingers? Fuck yes i can feel self conscious any time of day wherever i want, where has thing been all my life i NEED this. LOL
yes i don’t bitch about things too often (its something i told myself a long time ago. never write anything negative on Facebook. sometimes i catch myself writing something out ridiculing something, only to backspace it all because it really has no value to make the world a better place) but seeing the priorities that many humans have evolved to having, is pretty disheartening. But Thats where i decide to separate myself from this. Why let someone else’s views affect my life, they’re not MY views….
Have you ever talked to someone who was very excited and passionate about what they were talking about? they tend to elevate the speed and volume of what they are saying. My doctors didn’t like me being fast, It was so hard for me. I was so excited to have a BRAIN that could think. create, learn again. So when i would talk to my doctor, then get carried away about blood sugar levels and so forth and my speed would raise. when this would happen the doctor would just shut down, tell me I’m not ready and leave. This was so hard for me, i wanted to express myself but when i did it just made me fit her mold for “bi polar” even more.
I think she could tell that i doubted some of her methods, as one session she proceeded to say… “I’ve been doing this for over 20 years so id like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at my job”
so i replied “ Ya well I have 29 years experience being the person you see in front of you so I’ve come to think I’ve gotten pretty good at being me.
I didn’t like the thought of medication.
One time when i was in the ICU unit i made the mistake of saying “I think I’m becoming manic, can i call my mom”
They brought me to the side room and sat me down and proceeded to bring me atavan…. i say “wait a second… i actually confide in you and tell you when my brain is racing because i think your here to help me, and your FIRST REACTION is to throw a pill that terrifies me down my throat?!!!!!! When all i want is to hear my own mothers voice knowing it would help calm me down…. this made me very upset and began my doubts in the system. I put the pill under my tongue, when they turned away i immediately snuck it out of my mouth. I wasn’t risking the feeling that ataman gave me when i was put in the holding cell earlier.
The ICU was a scary place, no control over lights in ur room, bed on concrete floor, thick locked doors with little hole to look through and the entire staff behind glass. Chairs weighed a ton as to keep people from throwing them, I feel bad for frail people or elderly in the psych ward, everything is so damn heavy. I started on 3 medications. I was still in my ‘manic’ phase at this time so i was actually having a lot of fun too, but i had a couple tough nights. one with me hallucinating that i was actually in this adventure book i was reading flying around the world with my friends family turning into a horror story with me sitting on the toilet with my feet inside as to not get electrocuted and splashing water on the ground around it. with another day believing one of the nurses was a cannibal and he and i were the only two in the hospital and i had to try and find a way out and outsmart him. I thought about that one so long i think i kinda talked myself out of the whole situation as it was too crazy to be real… but eventually i would get some sleep and wake up with a straighter mindset.
I actually look back at my hospital time now quite fondly now tho… I met some amazing, talented, unique, crazy and pretty fucked up people in there. It was nice in there because i didn’t have to have a single care in the world, except for what was best for me. I was having so much fun being interested in books, music, spirituality health. but i learned to curb my enthusiasm when talking to my doctor. She did not want to hear about career plans, house plans, diet changes, etc. All those things pointed to the signs of “manic”, and she insisted that we keep slowly raising the dose of my meds to keep my thoughts under control.
And in no time, there i was, sleeping through breakfast… taking naps…. sitting in my bed watching tv series on my laptop all day, void of creative thoughts or ambition feeling sorry for myself in there.
The crazy thing? THIS was when the doctors finally said i was improving!!! It confused me so much, i felt like i was losing the best version of myself that i had ever felt. But they were telling me it was the right thing to do. And i knew the only way i was getting out of the hospital was with their stamp of approval.
My first medications were lithium, olanzapene, and something else i think. i knew i didn’t like the lithium, but it was the main drug that was supposed to help me. It gave me kidney pains everytime i tried to jog, i was getting the weirdest allergic reactions and i just had a feeling it wasn’t right for me but i kept taking it to make doctors happy and “slow down” from my ambitious thoughts. i also knew not switching drugs was the quickest option to be released. So i thought maybe id get used to it.
After 3 weeks I was released from the hospital. I kept taking lithium but ultimately i knew it wasn’t a drug i wanted to be on so i asked my mom if i could stop taking it, i didn’t feel like myself anymore. She wanted me to be happy so i agreed.
Later on learning Stopping meds abruptly really isnt the right thing to do… I don’t recommend it to anyone Lol
ok Im getting tired, but this steemit site is intriguing me alot right now so I’m thinking about getting the ball rolling and posting this unfinished right now.
Fuck it lets put it up and see what happens.
#steemforchange
#lifeparty
#bipolar
is this only in the 'party' thread? i put lots of tags and that one is actually the least relevant lol
@dorito Mine ended up in the 'help' category without any prompting. No idea how that works. PS, this is your other bandmate. ;)
hello hello